Random Thoughts this side of Normal

Who do you think you are talking to, The kid down the street?!

2009-09-13T22:23:00.019-05:00

When I was gestating Timmers, I was obsessed with everything baby. Learning the best things for me to eat and do while he was in the belly. Figuring out all the things I would do when he was out: baby yoga, sign language, co-sleeping, breast feeding, cloth diapering, etc. I spent hours pouring over the inter web, etching in stone how we were going to raise our offspring.

Then he was born...and reality bitch slapped me in the face and shoved some humble pie down my throat. Every new parent goes through it, the initiation into the I Just Want to Sleep and Pee Without an Audience Club. The complete understanding of why your parents did all those screwy things. Riding the high horse is not a luxury you can afford anymore. Mine happened when Timmers was 4 weeks old. I was sitting in my living room at 2 am pumping after I feed him from the bottle I swore I wouldn't give, filled with half breast milk and formula that I swore I would never feed him. My kid is great, but a horrible sleeper. Not only that, when he does sleep he makes a ton of noise. I had decreed that he was to sleep in the co-sleeper attached to our bed until he was weened from the breast no earlier than a year...but I hadn't slept for more than a hour in sucession for 4 weeks. So, he was banished from our room to sleep in his own. As I sat there trying to remember when the last time I showered was, thoughts started to race through my mind. It was every judgement I had ever expressed for my family/friend/random shopper's parenting choices. There were many. Reality, you are a cruel mistress.

We have done baby yoga, once. No sign language, unless you count Luke and I gesturing wildly at each other to BE QUIET I JUST GOT HIM TO SLEEP!!!!! Co-sleeping is when he wakes up too early and I drag him in to bed with me because Rit is still sleepy. Breast feeding-long story. Cloth diapering, yes. I have allowed my child to use my flip flop as a chew toy, much to the dismay of the germ-a-phob mom in my playgroup. He has a wicked temper and throws himself backwards, smacking his head on the ground when you take things away. She would have been much more horrified if I took said shoe away, he did that, and I told him that no one likes a cry baby.

Now when my friends without kids, horrified by watching someone let their kid do something they deem questionable, say "I will never let my kid do -insert thing they will probably let their kid do-!", I smile and nod. I know that someday at two in the morning they will remember this conversation and want to go hop in a delorean and shove those words back in their mouth. Especially since they are friends with me and I will say "Hey, Fanastic Parent, I thought you weren't EVER going to let your kids do that!" After you have kids, fewer and fewer things are black and white. Most things are gray or brown, because brown is the color of poop...which you will talk about more than you would have ever thought possible.

Today I stand tall and proud knowing that at some point in my child's life, I will ask him if this is his dirty bowl sitting on the coffee table, he will look at me and say "no", and I will say "did I ask if this was your bowl? Clean it up!!"

Gifted, of course he is!!

2009-09-08T15:47:00.009-05:00

My son has hit most of his milestones early. Held his head up the day he was born. Mastered rolling over back to front & front to back by 4 months. Sitting by five months. Most parents would be through the moon, bragging, excited for how advanced their offspring is. Not me. I know what all this early business means. Number one, they all even out anyway and he will do something else painfully late. More importantly, the amount of time that I am able to sit him down in a room, come back and he will still be there playing with the age appropriate toy I left him with will be short. And they were. At 7 months he was crawling. But really, he just uses crawling as a means to an end. His main goal is to get to the thing he has decided he wants to pull himself up on. Coffee table, the dishwasher, the dog. Anyone who has seen his moves say something like this "My kid/grandkid/nephew/friend's kid was like that and they walked at 10 months." It's always 10 months. Not 11, not 9, but ten months. So, I possibly have 2 more months until my job gets much harder.

My kid is also the one who likes to stick everything in his mouth. Yes, I know all kids like to do this...but El Beaner is special. He may do things early physically, but here is what he was doing while I was typing the first paragraph

When I said "Tim, what are you doing?" He looks at me

And goes back to licking the wall. Yes, he is my kid alright!

My days are filled with poop!

2009-09-05T20:39:00.006-05:00

Alot has happened in my life since I vanished from the blog world. Um, let's see. We moved again. I took up running 5ks. I still don't smoke. Um..Let's see...um...oh yeah, I grew a baby in my belly and then expelled him from my womb. FYI-Epidurals are magic...pitocin is the devil.

On January 2, 2009 Mr Ritmeyer and I welcomed into the world Timothy Charles aka Beans. Labor was induced by several bowls of Rit's Super Spicy Deer Meat Chili. We are still pissed he screwed us out of an '08 tax deduction.

After 3 months of crappy sleep and getting pooped, peed and spit up on, I went back to work, ready to feel like me again. After 5 days I quit. Now I am a stay at home mom. Yes. Me. I LOVE IT!!!! I make homemade baby food, meals from scratch, garden, and cloth diaper my Beaners butt. I go to a stroller workout class on tuesdays, thursdays and Saturdays and have playgroup on Wednesdays. My highschool self would be horrified.

Because of this new career path my days are filled with poop and drool filled, open mouth baby kisses. Beans and I have many long, intellectual confabs about doggies, colors, the wheels on the bus, and whether we believe Lindsay is really a lez or just going through her version of "college experimentation". I believe a child is never to young to start reading to or watching E! News. I mean, how else is he going to learn to not tape himself having sex or being super wasted and making up porn names when he is famous?

El Beaner wanted to say hi to you. Here he is earlier today in his sweet new ride. It's roomy and still has that new car smell.

Are you there blog, it's me Ritmeyer?

2009-09-03T22:27:00.006-05:00

So yesterday I'm driving with a new friend of mine to a store, and I mentioned that I use to have a blog. A blog? Really...me? What did I...when did I...why did I...I sat staring out the front window, sitting on my knees with my hand in the backseat holding my son's binky in place. The memories came flooding back.

I haven't thought about you in so long, blog. Or the wonderful people I came to know and love. TinaPopo, Tim, Beebers, there are too many to list. So I came back to you blog and read and read. I laughed, I cried. I made a vow. I will blog again.

I still have thoughts. They are random, this side of normal and they now involve an eight month old...

The Times, they are a Chaaa a a ngin'!

2007-01-22T18:30:00.000-06:00

My husband was born in a teeny, tiny, town in northern Missouri. According to him the closest radio station that would broadcast to his little radio, in his little town was from Chicago. His team, Da Bears.

Eight years ago I sexually transmitted the bears as my team. Yep. Eight years of being ridiculed. Eights years of living in St. Louis going to the Rams/Bears in full Bears gear. Eight years of being on the other end of smack talk from our male friends. Eight years of learning deplorable stats and telling people to kiss my ass. Eight years of listening to everyones shit has come to end. This is it. This is our time. Please for the love of Ditka...

The Super Bowl Shuffle

What has Rit Been Up To?

2007-01-22T17:50:00.000-06:00

This is a question that I have seen a few times, so I thought I would give you the short version.

1. I lost all my quitting smoking weight.
2. I broke my foot going for a head ball in soccer. (go for it, Luke does)
3. Reclaimed my love of the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
4. Put on 15 lbs after I broke my foot.
5. Learned that my husband's idea of cooking is bbq pork steaks (yummy) and microwaved pork n' beans (opposite of yummy).
6. Have not been knocked up.
7. Have been cleared by my doctor to start working out again.
8. Trying to find a new doctor who thinks my foot still needs healing.
9. Moved.
10. Became obsessed with the shows Dexter, The Hills (oh my gawd, is Heidi preggers?!), Heros, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and the Dog Whisperer.
11. Got TIVO.
12. Made the decision to boycott Grey's anatomy until they fire Isaiah Washington or make his character gay so people constantly ask him if he is gay in real life thus making his big, stupid head explode.
13. Found that telling Luke "You are suppose to be CALM assertive" when he is angry with the dog really makes me laugh.
14. Especially when I do it with a hispanic accent.
15. Finally convinced my husband that if we moved to Kirkwood (where I grew up) and not some small town out in the boone docks, our children would grow up in a safe place with a "small town" feel.
16. Drove home from work last Friday to find police swarming 2 blocks from our new home. Turns out our local pizza parlor manager likes to kidnap 11 year old boys. I hope he gets out of solitary real soon. That's my version of the Missouri Miracle.
17. Learned that when you move 5 minutes from my parents that equals feeding my 17 year old brother and his friends who come take Mr. Rock Meyer for "runs" (show up stoned and make him chase his tail)
18. I'm sick of typing, just make up some interesting shit and I'll say that's what I have been up to.

What happens in Vegas...

2007-01-22T07:40:00.000-06:00

So the hubbo is in Vegas for business. Yep, business. I buy this like I buy that Britney and Paris were just friends. I dropped him off at the airport last night. I was able to enjoy the big TV in all it's wondrous glory. Studio 60 on the sunset strip will be viewed in all it's glorious bigness this evening. Life is good.

In other news I am scared shitless of staying in a house all by my lonesome. I usually chicken out and stay with my parents. Yes, I use to live by myself for many years. Apparently living with a boy has given me some sort of force field from the bad guys. This force field disappears with every business trip and every animal shooting excursion he goes on. Last night I slept with the lights on. Mr. Rock Meyer apparently heard many killers lurking outside my home, as he would arouse me from my slumbering unicorn dream with "I'm gonna eat off your face killer" barking on four different occasions. I could go on a trip with the bags under my eyes. It's official, I'm a huge wuss. DAMN IT!!

New Meyer Addition

2007-01-15T11:48:00.000-06:00

This is Mr. Rock Meyer. He wanted to be introduced to you all. He is believed to be between 1 and 2 years old. We brought him into our family 2 months ago. He is a stray rescue dog. He is awesome. Yes, we have independent confirmation of this fact.

He spends his days hiding my spatula's and Luke's Mountain Dew bottles about the house while lounging on the couch we said we would never let him on. His feud with the mail lady is palpable. He spends his nights staring at the food we eat while drooling profusely on the floor and sleeping in our bed that we said he would never sleep in. Eighty lbs of Chocolate Lab has forced us to get a king sized bed. His favorite T.V. show is The Dog Whisperer, we mock the failings of his fellow dogs. He also enjoys Dexter. He is not a fan of I Love New York, he finds the bat shit nuts ladies hard to stomach.

Rock wanted to say hi to the blogosphere, but he has mixed emotions about the whole thing. We walk to the computor and when I sit down, he is not thrilled with the lack of attention he receives. Much like his mother, he is reduced to raming his head into me and giving me his best "love me" eyes to get attention. I have taught him well.

New Years Resolutions

2007-01-14T11:06:00.000-06:00

1. Make a post on blogger everyday, not like the last time I claimed I was back.
2. Stop telling Luke he is my father after I turn the fan on every night before bed.
3. Do more cooking, cleaning, and sexual favors.
4. Discontinue grabbing friend's children, walking them over to my husband and saying "I wannnt onnnneee!" And then refusing to go off the pill, cause "I will get fat!!!!"
4. Stop asking Luke for imput on self improvement.
5. Stop asking people if they think Britney flashed the cooch on purpose when current events are brought up.
6. Continue trying to read that Anne Rice from the Retard Book Club we tried to start here on blogger last year before I so rudely stop blogging with no explaination.
7. Never again ask a room full of men whether they think Madonna's adopted baby could kick Angelina's adopted babie's asses for what Angie said about the whole "Madonna steals african baby" debacle when they are "discussing" who's Team is going to win the superbowl.
8. The Bears are going to win.
9. It is OUR YEAR!
10. Never again post when Luke is reading over my shoulder and reminded of the *crickets* his wife created in his living room last Sunday.

It's a New Year for Rit. And I have missed you all terribly!

2006-04-28T10:16:00.001-05:00

2006-04-28T10:16:00.000-05:00

2006-04-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

Guess who somehow fried her engine?

2006-04-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

Give up? Yeah, so does Luke. I killed my car. It's a goner. So after the initial, "Shit, I only got to enjoy 5 car payment free months!" I realised that I get to get a new car. Yippee for me!

That is until our real estate agent to us that we need to wait until we purchase a house before we get financed for the big ole SUV my husband thinks we need for all the children that we don't yet have. Luke agreed that we should put the house buying above a pretty new car for me, since that is all that is standing between us and me getting knocked up. I tried really hard to convince him that an infant can totally live in our condo. Really, it could. Then he reminded me that we have already have a truck that collects dust in our driveway because Luke gets a company vehicle. Our agent looked at me and said "you guys have another vehicle and you want to buy a new one?" In my mind I get all whiny and stomp and yell "But I don't WANT to drive a truck!" In reality I am going all red neck woman on y'all. Being an adult sucks!

Rit, perpetuating sexual stereotypes since 1977

2006-04-20T00:36:00.000-05:00

My stereo in my car stopped working last week, so I just drove around listening to my ipod. Fixed.

Then about 20 minutes into every drive since then the battery light would come on and go off, so I stopped looking at it. Fixed.

Today I am in the turning lane at a busy intersection during rush hour and my car shakes and dies and it won't turn back on, so I stare at my car in shock. Problem.

I turn on my hazards and hear all the honking, so I scream "Hey asshole! See the Hazards!" while motioning wildly. Panic.

I call Luke's cell phone and he does not answer, so I leave a message with words like die, stuck, intersection. Freaking out.

I call the house phone and his cell phone in rapid succession until I arouse him from his nap, so he yells "What do you want!". I scream "HELP ME!" and hang up. Over reaction.

The police come and then the tow truck, and I tell them how mean people honk alot and they just nod their heads. Crazy lady and her pissed off husband.

Get towed to the mechanic and he asks if anything happened prior to my car dying, so I told him nope. Honestly.

Unless of course the stereo dying and the battery light meant anything, so I tell him that. Luke is shamed.

So now I am driving my 17 year old brother's honda since he is grounded from it. The car was passed down from my 21 year old brother. It looks like someone ran around it beating it with a baseball bat and then opened the door up, dumped 10 ashtrays and year old gym socks in it. Of course it was so below empty I coasted into the gas station and had to get a car load of teenagers to help push it to the pump. I called my brother to thank him and to remind him that Luke and I have been commissioned to babysit him while my parents go to San Diego next week. Muy Ah Ah Ah. He said "Whatever. I'm not afraid of you!" I told him that I found his fake ID in the car. "Who's scared now biaotch!" We love babysitting him. The last time he and he friends came home drunk and we had my friend Mike tell him he was a cop. He searched their cars. They almost wet themselves, it was awesome. But anywho. Then I drove to my house praying that if I got pulled over and the police searched the car, that there was nothing in it that would put me away for awhile. Apparently, Luke believes I deserve all this. I mean really, do those lights mean anything anyway?

The Surrey with the Fringe on Top

2006-04-18T20:21:00.000-05:00

Aren't we all glad I made it back just in time for this!

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have welcomed their first child together, two inside sources told PEOPLE. The couple "joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today," the actor's rep said in a statement after PEOPLE first broke the news exclusively. "The child weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 20 inches in length. Both mother and daughter are doing well." The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning "princess," or in Persian meaning "red rose," the rep added. (source)

Or the origins are the ever popular musical OKLAHOMA. People really need to stop saying Tom is gay. I don't know where the get these crazy ideas from.

Welcome to the world Suri Cruise Xenu.

Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry
When I take you out in the surrey,
When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!
Watch that fringe and see how it flutters
When I drive them high steppin' strutters.
Nosey pokes'll peek thru' their shutters and their eyes will pop!

Hey, do you think Kate will let me borrow her baby bump to go with my lady lumps? My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,My hump, my hump, my hump, I needs some fake baby bumps.

I just can't be snarky today folks

2006-04-18T19:20:00.000-05:00

So, some of you may have noticed the missing poster link I put up the other day. It is for a 17 year old boy named Wade Lurk who went missing on April 1 after a party. For two weeks extensive searches were conducted, even the FBI was involved. A good kid, on the honor roll and an athlete just vanished along with his car. Most believed foul play. I did not know him or his family, but this story has gripped me from the beginning. Maybe it's because he and my brother we born 4 days apart from each other, but he has been a constant part of my thoughts and my prayers.

Everyday I check the website set up for him and look at the news many times. Yesterday they found his car in the lake with him in it. It seems that he may have been drinking and somehow got turned around and drove into the lake. It is just so damn horrible. I can't imagine what this family is going through. I'm glad they know where he is now, we were just all praying for a better outcome.

I looked on Pink is the new Blog and saw that maybe TomKat's alien spawn has been beamed down...well looky there, I can be a bit snarky. I cracked a smile even...crack. Ok, I'm feeling a little better.

If you pray, say a little prayer for these people.

Um, remember me?

2006-04-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

I am an ass. But my ass is alive, and skinny. But it's back. I promise.

I really have no excuse. None. You see, I was crushed when work firewalled me from blogging there and then a few no post days turned into weeks. Then I felt bad. Real bad. I don't know what was wrong with me. It all just snowballed, and here we I am filled with shame and remorse. Pretty much like college, but I wake up knowing who the man next to me in bed is. I tried to get up early to blog, but I like to get my sleep on. Then I tried to blog after work, but that is when I workout like a mad woman. And then I couldn't even bring myself to look at my blog. Tonight I was looking on the internet when I said "Rit, you are being Ritarded! It's like Sean Bower all over again." Then my stomach hurt and I clicked on my blog and my hands are now typity type typing this.

Flash back to the seventh grade. I'm "dating" Sean Bower. I'm a good Catholic girl who is saving herself for marriage, so naturally kissing is out too. Sean and I had been together for a month and we were at the mall and he tried to kiss me. I ran away from him and from that day on avoided him like the plague. I wouldn't take his phone calls and finally I convinced my best friend Kelly to break up with him for me. We did it on three way so I could listen. It was bad. Real Bad. Flash forward. Sophmore year in high school. I am drunk at a party making out with some guy and I here "RIT! RitMeyer!" Yep, it's Sean. He proceeds to call me the biggest wussy bitch he has ever met, remarking how well my good girl path was going for me. He caused a huge scene and random make out guy looked at me all weird and my friends still make fun of me for that one. I promised never to avoid another situation again. Apparently I'm not good with promises.

I have missed all you bitches dearly! I fit working out back into my daily life, I can fit blogging back in there too. Cause really, it hasn't been the same without you all.

2006-03-10T10:26:00.000-06:00

2006-03-06T17:01:00.000-06:00

Let the Discussion Begin

2006-02-27T10:02:00.000-06:00

Popo said we have some Grey's Anatomy to discuss, and to that I say Hell to the Motha F*ing Yeah! If you don't watch it, just pretend I'm still working really hard and didn't post today.

I have decided I hate Meredith. Yep. It started a few weeks back, got stronger with the whole hand in the guy's inside touching the bomb, and now she has hurt George. Damn you to hell! When we finally got to see what happened during the sex they had I wanted to find George and have none crying sex with him. Well, wait I'm married. So I would bring my friend Maryanne and she would have hot, no crying, and definately not say "You are almost done, right? sex with him. Sheesh!

Now she and Dr. McDreamy are going to be friends? What asshats! This isn't going to turn out bad or anything. Nope, not bad at all.

Addison brought a whole new meaning to the term "fire crotch". For some reason I don't hate her now. Which adds in the whole hating Meredith when she and McDreamy end up having sex and ruining this marriage. She is about to make herself the bad guy. I can't wait!

Luke and I joined a soccer league and the games are on Sunday. This will not due, so I am getting Tivo.

Discuss!

I need some Blog, STAT!

2006-02-24T11:37:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to have blog withdrawal. I am muttering "hobo hooker" and "anywho" to myself while trying to get all this work done. I laugh at nothing, it is the witty shit I imagine you all are blogging about in my head.

Luke and I are going out of town this weekend with some friends. Well, some of them are friends and others are people we will try to avoid all weekend. It should be a much needed break from all the working.

Movies do mirror life!

2006-02-23T14:48:00.000-06:00

I know you all miss me terribly, and I miss you too. Damn work! Anywho, here is Sharon stone pulling a Basic Instint. I thought this might make up for my absence. No? For a close up go here. You know you want to.

Ok, photoshop mirrors the movies. (source)

2006-02-22T11:18:00.000-06:00

Poop!

2006-02-18T11:40:00.000-06:00

Thanks BabyJewels. This is fun.

Happy Anniversary To ME!

2006-02-17T09:20:00.000-06:00

Happy anniversary on Sunday to Me! Happy anniversary on Sunday to Me! Happy anniversary on Sunday to Me-hee, happy anniversary on Sunday to Meeeeeeeee! and Luke too!

Now it is time for me to subject you to some of my wedding pictures. Hey, it's my blog and I'll do what I want to.

I can't believe it has been a year (on Sunday) since my sissy wrote this on a board in the room we were getting ready in at the church.

This picture was taken of me 10 seconds before I realised that I left my vail at my parents house. Thank god they live 2 minutes from the church.

Here are the guys and my dad. The boys were late to the church because the groomsmen all the way to the right of the picture ran out of gas. If I didn't love James, I'd have killed him. Killed him dead.

Here Luke is waiting for me to walk down the aisle. He looks kind of freaked out.

Here I am! I am trying not to cry, I was so damn happy. I must really like that bald headed guy who is looking at me from down the aisle.

This picture always freaks me out. That cross right above our heads...sheesh. It may be because I had a sex education class in the eight grade in that church and the cross above my newly married head makes me think of sex and Jesus. Yeah, send your kids to catholic school their whole lives and they will have scars. Also by this time we are sick of the photographer of asking us to kiss.

Here is me wit my bitches. My sister Lolo is on the right side. Skinny little biotch. Her bridesmaid dresses are going to be kelly green, so I told her that if we put our wedding pictures next to each others it will always be christmas.

Peek a boo, I see you!

This is not my favorite picture of us dancing. Actually not many of these pictures are my favorties. I had to get these of the photographer's website because I don't have a scaner.

I even sang to him. I used to sing and a few months after we were going out Luke found that out. He asked me to sing for him and I said jokingly "I will at the reception if we ever get married." thinking that we were around 20 years old so there was no way I marrying this guy. He remembered and I paid up.

This day was the most fun I have had ever. I still can't believe that I am as blessed as I am to have this man as my husband. My sister's speech made me laugh and cry, but seriously how awesome is a toast that mentions that when you were kids you did a play about Amy Fischer and had your 3 year old brother play Joey Buttafucco. Can't top that. Or that the best man who made whole room tear up and laugh. It was a wonderful day and I hope I can always remember it.

In the words of TinaPopo, "Happy anniversary Rit, from yourself!" Now I'm going to go get some Starbucks.

UPDATE: A few more photos

The Rambler

2006-02-15T10:26:00.000-06:00

For the love of Xenu, let this be true

2006-02-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Life & Style has learned exclusively that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding — and, ultimately, to split.

Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom’s saying: “Their relationship is basically over.” Another friend adds: “They both agreed that the marriage wouldn’t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.”

The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby’s birth this spring. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home — though sleeping in separate bedrooms — through the summer. Then, presumably, they’ll announce a separation — but Tom plans to buy Katie a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes.

“They’ll share custody,” says the friend, who claims the couple are drawing up a legal document to provide for Katie’s and the baby’s financial well-being for life. “Tom will set up Katie and the baby,” adds the pal.

Life & Style

Can it be? Is our Joey Potter back? It is nice to see that they are still clinging to this baby business. If you lie you really should stick with it. I learned that lesson in highschool and it involved beer, a roof, and a broken leg. Nuff said.

Dear Celebrity Break Up God,

With all the celebrity break ups, for the love of you let this be true. If it is not, can we trade Nick and Jessica or even The Hoff and Mrs. Hoff? How about that chick who played Jane on Melrose Place and her husband? Sorry, you are right. That wouldn't be even. I understand that there must be a balance to these things. Anywho, this is creeping me out. I miss the old Katie Holmes.

Love,

Rit

Happy Valentines Day!

2006-02-14T10:21:00.000-06:00

Yippee! I have made each one of you a Valentine. Yes, I have. But since the restraining orders I can't exactly deliver them. So here is one for all of you.

And anyone else that is not named. I love you all. I will love you more if you give me things. So far Luke is winning with two pairs of earings and a hand made card.

Happy Monday

2006-02-13T09:56:00.000-06:00

Hello all! I'm busy, and this is not fun. I miss blogging, I miss it bad.

A few quick things.

#1 thank you Tim for wishing me a happy anniversary...a week early. It is Feb 19th. You will know because I will post pictures of myself looking fabulous while wishing myself a happy anniversary. And showing you all how modest I am.

#2 I have lost 11.6 pounds in my "Lose the Weight You Put on When You Quit Smoking So You Can Get Pregnant and Gain it Right Back" quest. Only 13.4 pounds to go until I make my husband knock me up. Yippee!!

#3 Valentines day is tomorrow. I really could care less. I am making Luke a homemade V-Day card a la grade school. I am thinking about creating a valentine box and sitting it on my desk and seeing how many cards I get.

#4 Tom Cruise is an idiot. First he says he has "tucked Katie away so no one can get to her" now he gets all mission impossible at a Kanye West concert. I have no words left for this asshat.

#5 I still can't believe Britney drove around with Sean Preston on her lap.

#6 I love The Office. Last thursday's episode was priceless. I'm just sayin'.

#7 I woke up this morning and everything tastes like I put a pile of salt on it. Even my water. Web MD says if I pursists more than a day to go to the Dr. It's not a tu-ma!

#8 I hate Billy Blanks ASS!!! His Tae Bo Billy Bootcamp almost killed me. Luke said he didn't know if I was giving birth or having sex with someone name Billy since I was screaming "F*ck You, Billy Blanks! You are F*cking Me!" grunt, groan, scream. But I feel the burn, and yes Billy every day above ground is a blessed day you strong healthy man.

#9 Did you hear that Dick Cheney shot his friend while they were hunting this weekend? Ha, ha! That is the best thing I have heard all week. Oh shut up, you laughed too. The guy isn't dead or anything.

I said 3 Hail Mary's for 24 comments, lets see if My Mom is on to something

2006-02-09T14:25:00.000-06:00

Sushi, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Yogurt

2006-02-09T10:27:00.000-06:00

That sums up my night last Friday. My sister Lauren (Lolo or Lo is what I have called her for years, so Laguna's Lo can kiss it) and I love us some sushi. Love it! My mom on the other hand is not a fan. Not that she has ever even tried it, but she says she knows she will hate it. Whatever. So I meet up with Lo over at the rents house. We sit with my mom talking wedding stuff for about an hour when I go change into going out clothes. I come back in and sit down for more wedding talk. Then my mom says "So, you are going for sushi?" We both sense that she wants to hang out with us. The only reason that we didn't invite her was because she said she hates sushi. We love hanging out with her, she is good times. So we spend the next 5 minutes telling her to come and then looking for a sushi place that also serves cooked dishes that look nothing like sushi.

Then my dad comes home from work. He is on a super health kick. He is working out and watching what he eats. He walks in the door and says to me "Weren't you already here once this week eating my food?" My mom informs him that we are all going out to eat and asks if he wants to come. He decides not to. Then he walks to the fridge and gets out a yogurt and says "Did you know that yogurt helps you lose weight?" me "really. I did not know that." My dad goes and reachs in the liquior cabinet "Yeah and red wine is good for you too. I going to have some tonight as a treat." This must be tough for my beer loving father. Me "Yeah, mom told me you lost some weight. Looking good pops. Is this what is referred to as a mid-life crisis?" Dad "What is Luke doing tonight? Loving his break from your smart ass?" While we are waiting for my mom to get dressed I watch my dad eat 3 yogurts. I look at my sister and we start cracking up. My dad walks to his bedroom and returns in workout gear "I'm going on the treadmill. Have fun eating sushi." We are off.

Sushi was good. We decide to go see Walk the Line, but the showing was too late and so we went to Blockbuster. We can't agree on anything when genuis strikes. My mom and sister are both fans of The Office and my aunt gave my brother The 40 Year Old Virgin for christmas. I ask if they had watched it yet and this is the response I got. Lo's eyes get big and she looks at me with the shut up look. Damn it, I forgot. My mom says "No I have not seen it. I hid it from your brother. That is the most inappropriate gift to give a 16 year old. Don't you think. Shit!" I forgot, damn it. My mom is awesome. She has a great sense of humor and we have a blast, but I'm 28 and it wasn't always like that. She is a wonderful parent who believes in instilling values in her children. She was pissed that my drunk aunt bought this for my brother. And you know what, I don't blame her one bit. I flash back to christmas:

We give out presents oldest to youngest. My brother opens his gift from my aunt who's stint in rehab obviously worked like a charm as she is f*ing trashed. Even my brother know this is f*ed up as he opens the gift and says weakly "Oh, it's the 40 year old virgin." My uncle (who married this woman, thus inflicking her upon us) stares in horror. My mom says "What? The 40 year old virgin?" Then a voice says "Are there condoms in there too. There should be!" I am sitting next to my mom and she believes my sister said this. Mom "WHAT! Who said that! Lauren, what in the hell is wrong with you." I lean over and whisper "Mom, it was drunk aunt." My mom glares at my aunt and uncle "You are messed up."

So now I'm back in Blockbuster. Shit. She may not be able to enjoy this movie knowing it was a gift for my brother. When she and I when to see Good Will Hunting and the sex scene came on she covered my eyes and I think I was like 21 or something. So I ask "Will you be able to just chill out and enjoy this movie? It is really funny and it is with Michael from The Office?" My mom with her jaw clenched "Yes, I will try. Is it really bad?" Me "No, it's not that bad."

We open the door to the house and my dad is passed out on the couch with the wine bottle on the table. He jumps up "What? Who's there? mumble mumble" This was my Dad's first lesson that you can't drink the equivilent liquid of 2 beers in red wine. You will be drunk. 3 yogurt cartons are on the coffee table as well. Healthy living at it's finest.

My mom lasts 20 minutes in to the movie when she says "This is terrible, I can't believe that woman bought this for your brother!" And leaves. Lo and I watch and laugh our asses off! It was a good friday.

Opps, I spoke too soon

2006-02-08T09:15:00.000-06:00

DCFS does want to talk to her. Um, and she doesn't look scared in this picture she looks like she is chilling and thinking of cheetos.

This afternoon, Deputy Sheriff Mark Winn went to the Spears home. The official told TMZ Winn made the trip to get contact information for DCFS, so that DCFS "could do their thing." Britney's rep told TMZ Winn spoke with security - not Spears herself.
As we first reported, DCFS contacted the LA County Sheriff's Department earlier today, inquiring about the incident. TMZ contacted a DCFS official who would not comment on the matter.

Britney issued a statement saying, "I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger." She added, "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way..."

The TV show 'EXTRA' has obtained the following statement from X17, the company that took the picture: "These pictures were taken in a very peaceful context, in which photographers exhibited no aggressive behavior. We believe the pictures speak for themselves."
[source]

Britney, for the love of all things holy please... Whatever, she's a dumb ass and beyond hope.

2006-02-08T08:25:00.000-06:00

It's Only a Game!

2006-02-06T09:27:00.000-06:00

Good morning after the Super Bowl people. My head still hurts. Not because I drank anything stronger than a diet coke, but because I watched the game with the "Super Bowl Party" friends. This consists of 8 guys going ape shit for 50 freaking hours of a really long game with totally shitty commericals. What happened to the good commericals during the Super Bowl? Seriously? Tom and I have decided it is partly Kurt Warner's fault. Did you see his "You are going to hell" commercial? Well, good thing he has Jesus' phone number and gave it to all of us so we don't burn in the firey pits of hell from all our sinning. I sin alot. So I better call Jesus.

I only got hit in the head with the nerf ball 4 times this year, so I consider it quite successful. We had a new addition to the "party players". First I should say that Karen and I are the only girls who have made up this "party" for 4 years. Each man has the team they religiously back. Luke=The Bears. Tom=Tampa Bay. Todd=Seattle. Chuck=The Rams. Mike=The Steelers. Obviously this year pitted Todd against Mike. It was ruff. And loud. Mike brought his new girlfriend. When he about had his first coronary and his string of Cock*ucking Mother*uckering Ass*uck! F*ggots! What in the sh*tass mother*ucker are you doing! She looked at him in shock and said and I quote "It's only a game!" The room fell silent, every male looking at her, Karen and I both shaking our heads and she says "Come on, it is. It's only a game. What is your problem?" I try. I'm working really hard. But it happens. I get the church giggles and say in between each giggle "It was nice to meet you, but I don't think I will see you again." Karen bursts into laughter. Mike stares at me with this look of help me and says to the soon to be ex "We each have been following a team for years. (Here he names off each guys team) This year I'm in the Super Bowl. Get it." She actually says "Come on, YOU aren't in the Super Bowl. Some team is." My mouth drops open, all the guys stare. Mike says "Some team. Some team!" turns to me and says "Can you explain this to her?" I try "Doesn't you dad or brothers or uncles watch sports?" She says "No, not really." I stare mouth agape. I turn to Mike "I can't help. She may just be beyond help." Luke looks at me from across the room and says "I didn't know it was possible to love you anymore than I did yesterday, but I do at this moment." Tom says to Karen "What he said."

I don't think I will see that girl again. And honestly, I don't want to.

Thank god for Earl and The Office

2006-02-03T09:08:00.000-06:00

I found myself saying those words while bawling last night. You see, we were watching Smallville. I still can't believe it made me cry, I mean it's not Steel Magnolias or anything. Bo Duke died in last week's episode. Um, I mean Clark's father Jonathon Kent. Luke and I have been watching Smallville since it started. Last night's episode Clark deals with the loss of his father. His mother Martha gets mugged in Metropolis and his father's watch is stolen. A bunch of stuff happens, but Clark comes home to find his watch sitting on a table. His love Lana went to pawn shops and found it. They have a wonderful conversation about loss, that is so damn truthful. Lana, having lost both of her parents says "No matter how many people are there for you, you end up walking through this alone." Clark puts on his father's watch and walks in to see his mom watching a video of he and his dad when he was little. His mom turns around to see Clark and sees the watch. Clark starts crying and they hug. I had been fighting the tears because I knew what I was going to see when I looked at my husband. I look over to see him rubbing his watch. His father's watch. I burst into tears and yelled "I hate Smallville! I hate it! Stupid Smallville." Luke looked over and smiled at me. "I know you do, babe." Then I excitely changed the channel to watch My Name is Earl and The Office and said "Thank god for Earl and The Office!" Luke said "Yeah, nothing cheers me up more than white trash and Michael. Maybe someone will leave another package in his office."

God bless you The Office, for making male bonding turn into the wharehouse trying to unionise. And allowing Michael to operate heavy machinery. I love you!

Project Get my Husband to Watch Things I like

2006-02-02T14:05:00.002-06:00

My new reality TV addiction is Project Runway. Luke is not pleased. He hates it. So every Wednesday I have to watch the 2nd showing from 10-11. This Monday I went to the parents house to use the tread mill in their gym and I ate dinner with my family. I have started calling them my old family because my dad likes to remind me that I have a new family and I should go eat with him. When he was out of town last week I ate a can of his chili and someone ratted on me, so this week he was especially "pissed". Dad "Did you eat my chili?" Me "What? I know nothing of this chili of which you speak." I stare my mom down. "Did you eat a can of Skyline chili!?" My dad is from Cinncinatti. Skyline chili is sacred. He buys like 5,000 cans whenever he goes there. I would NEVER eat a can of that chili. Me "Are you kidding me? It was Chili Man." Dad "So you did eat a can of MY chili." Me "Shit!" Dad "After all I've done for you, and you lie to me? Nice. You are out of the will." It's his way of telling me he loves me.

So we eat and are watching TV when a commercial for Project Runway comes on. Mom "I hate that show." Me "Are you kidding me? It's totally awesome!" My sister Lolo, "I know! Dad and I watch it every week." Me "What? Who? The man who fathered you and me? OUR Dad?" My dad is the biggest mans man you will ever meet. When I dressed my little brother in a dress when he was 1 my dad grounded me for 2 weeks and lost his mind. My brother was a good dancer and he wouldn't let him take dance lessons. One of my gay friends has an amazing voice he sings at their church. My dad says "I'll tell you something. When that fairy sings Be Not Afraid, it brings tears to my eyes. (He says shit like that for the shock factor, he loves my friend) He follows and watches ever sport there is. My husband loves him. He loves my husband. They are men.
Lolo "Yeah, he loves it." As fate would have it, my dad walks out of his bedroom. Me "Hey dad, I hear you like Project Runway?" Dad "Let me tell you one thing. Gays are funny."

I told Luke my dad watches it. He didn't believe me. At 9:05 last night I had him call my parents house and talk to my dad. My dad asked him if he could call him back because he was watching TV and I quote "Have you seen the show Project Runway Luke?" Luke "No" Dad "Gays are funny. And damn creative. They are making dresses out of flowers! Watch it." Luke hung up the phone with a confused look on his face.

Guess what we watched last night...

image from Pink is the New Blog

And god said "Today Rit, I have answered one of your Prayers"

2006-02-02T09:57:00.000-06:00

No, no. He didn't instill world peace or make me patient in traffic. He let this little video be seen by me last night. Watch here as Starr Jones takes one in the face. And you know it isn't from Al. Cause Luke said he was all Brokeback Mountain.

[source]

He's just a Good Ole Boy

2006-02-01T10:50:00.000-06:00

Well, here it is. My interview with my husband. Oh, I know US is pronounced us not U.S., but that is what Luke calls it.

Here he is thanking god he married me. He is damn it!

Audio Blog Wednesday

2006-02-01T10:15:00.000-06:00

When I was a kid, spelling wednesday was quite the task. I still say wed-nez-day when I'm spelling it. Whoever made up spelling our language I would like to punch in the kidney's.

My audio post will be coming soon. I promise. This week it will happen damn it!

Giving the People what they Want

2006-01-31T10:52:00.000-06:00

TinaPopo did this post last week and I have been storing it in the "no idea what to freaking blog about" bank since. Well, I'm busy and thoughtless today so here we go.

Sitemeter rocks. You can see who is on your blog, but most importantly you can find out how people come to find you. So now I give you the top Ten searches that land unsuspecting web searchers here.

10. Cute Cool Thoughts- I don't know exactly what this person was looking for but cute only describes the way I look, not my overall being. A Paris Hilton post and a dig on AC Slater brought you here. Oops.

9. coke fridge codes fälschen- I'm German! I must love The Hoff. Seriously, I was the number one search result for this one. Whatever.

8. monty python flesh wound- Of this I may be most proud. Number 2 for search result!! ::tears well in eyes::

7. White trash image- I want to thank Britney & KFed for this one. The smokes and cheetos are on the way.

6. PoPo keep on moving- Was this from one of your hobos?

5. Gagged- Um, please don't come back to my blog. I found your search offensive.

4. Starr Jones Husband Gay- I am your second stop for information on Al Reynold's beard.

3. How to tell if your Husband is Gay- I have seen more searches on this than I care to say. Ok, like 50. Man Starr Jones must be using the internet alot.

1. Brody Jenner- I seriously get 10 searches a day for this asshat. What the hell? I find this frightening. (I can't click on the link, work says it is not work related.)

I am totally aware that there is no #2. Your searches fall off and I know that deer hunting was a big search result for awhile. Oh well.

My Weekend By Rit

2006-01-30T09:21:00.000-06:00

Good morning friends. Well, really I should say good morning readers. Some of you I may consider friends, the others lurk and I don't even know who you are. I know you want to be my friend though, cause I'm super cool.

Friday-I got my hair cut. Luke and I went out to dinner and rented 3 movies. The Blockbuster kid tried to sell us their rewards program. We told him we usually don't rent many movies and wouldn't be interested. He typed stuff on his computor and then said that we have rented 8 movies this month. I told him that during the winter months we may order lots of movies, but in the summer we never do, so again no thanks. He said that we would have already been well on our way to recouping the money it takes to join the program. Luke said "No" and we both stared at him until he finished checking us out and he gave us our movies.

Saturday-Luke informed me that he doesn't like being refered to as Mr. Rit a la Lulu's J. He thinks it would have one assume that he is my bitch. Which he is not. So I asked him what he wanted to be called since I refuse to type Skywalker anymore and he told me to make something up. I have chosen Luke. Because that is his name.

I bought the book for our book club, but didn't read any of it. It was a rainy day, so I watched TV and a few movies. We went to a friend's house and ate homemade pizza and played games. Well, I watched everone eat homemade pizza after I had my one sliver of pizza. I sat and munched on carrot sticks while they ate cookies, brownies, chips and pizza. Then we played taboo and I yelled at Luke for not flipping his card in a way that used optimum speed. I blame it on the carrot sticks. And the fact that I am hungry.

Sunday-It was a beautiful day, so I took a super long walk. I can't run yet, which I thought about while I was zipping through neighborhoods. Last year at this time I ran 6 miles 3-4 times a week. Now I am speed walking the neighborhood like a soccer mom. Then I came home and started reading the book club book. It's really good so far.

Wow, I'm boring.

Hooked on The Hoff

2006-01-29T23:25:00.000-06:00

He's not just for German's and Popo anymore. Cause he's hooked on a feeling and please god tell me he is high on something more than believing. This is fantabulous. Oh, and don't blame me for the picture of The Hoff. Blame Perez Hilton. And the German's. Maybe Kit too.

Retard Book Club Bitches!

2006-01-28T10:38:00.001-06:00

We are nothing if not supporters of literacy and poop jokes. TinaPopo, BabyJewels, Lulu, Tim, Hizzle, Mad Ethel and myself have started a blog book club. If you are interested in reading things possibly about poop, please check it out. We are edumacated and stuff.

Don't Mess with Oprah!

2006-01-27T09:23:00.000-06:00

Or she will look at you like this. James Frey, the writer of A Million Little Pieces, was on her show. I'm not an Oprah fan, but she was pissed at this asshole and it was awesome. Gawker gave a live blog of the show. It was great. I am glad that she did the responsible thing and showed her viewers that this guy is a fraud.

I hope people suffering from addictions will find help and peace from honest recoveries.

Wham, Bam, thank you Rit

2006-01-26T13:40:00.000-06:00

This is going to be quick and random. Much like most of my relationships.

* I am really busy at work today, yet I found myself staring out the window wondering if the fact that it is 55 degrees in the midwest in January really means that there is something to all this global warming crap. Then I thought about whether Angelina's belly tatoos are going to look messed up when her tummy goes back to normal size.

*My mom called at lunch and I told her that after last night's and this morning's conversations, I will be reading self help books and joining weight watchers online instead of accompaning she and Lolo to look at flowers this evening. She apparently forgot how to speak sarcasm and exclaimed "They have weight watchers online now? Wow, I'm going to check that out now." I told her that you have to be at least 5 pounds over the medical communities definition of your ideal weight so she is SOL. I hate my mom right now.

*I joined weight watchers online and will be billing my mother along with the self help books I will purchase.

*Why DO we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

*When will Britney Spears get a clue?

*Poop!

FINE! I'll finish the story. Geez Jewels.

2006-01-25T18:41:00.000-06:00

Oh, and apparently I'm from st louis and my mom is from Fargo.

Not all that special, not really a treat

2006-01-25T15:35:00.000-06:00

Laguna does Sundance

2006-01-25T13:27:00.000-06:00

Jason does Sundance. My only question is how he was let on the plane? Maybe he was sober for the flight, because he certainly isn't for this picture. The dog definately helps with the manly image. Although not as much as his mani & probable pedi.

2006-01-25T08:01:00.000-06:00

"What the hell did I do?"

2006-01-24T13:29:00.000-06:00

I went over to my parent's house last night to hang out with my mom and my little sis Lolo. My Dad was out of town on business, so I didn't have to hear any shit about eating his food or how is Mr. Rit going to have dinner if I'm not there to cook it. We discussed all the important things. The bridesmaid dresses, how she just finished registering, and how weird the whole Angelina & Brad thing is. My mom just can't get over the whole Billy Bob blood vile thing, well me neither. That's just plain weird.

So we are sitting on the couch, gabbing and watching E! News Daily, when the following conversation takes place:

Rit: Hey mom, I was wondering something. When dad goes out of town, do you miss him?

Mom: No, not really.

Lolo: Gasp and says "Mom!"

Rit: I figured. I mean, you guys have been married for 33 years. Do you like it when he comes back?

Mom: Sure. But it really is nice to have the down time. Or alone time. I get to watch The Bachlor on the big TV.

Lolo: Larger gasp "Mom..." This is the sibling that used to cry everytime our parents had a fight because she thought that they were going to get a divorce.

Rit: Yeah, I still miss Mr. Rit when he goes out of town. I'm so excited before he goes, but by day two I start missing him. Then he comes home and I want total control of the big TV back. Project Runway sucks on the 21 incher.

Mom: I felt the same way until we had kids. Once you have kids any alone time you get is precious. And that means alone time from EVERYONE.

Lolo: I miss fiance. That's not going to happen.

Rit: Yeah, you aren't married yet. Wait until you have the "What the hell did I do" moment.

Mom: Oh, that's fun. I cried for 3 days and asked my Dad if I could move back home. Thank god you waited until you were 27 to get married. No one should do that at 20.

Lolo: eyes huge "what are you guys talking about?" fear griping her voice.

Rit: Karen and I were just talking about it. She just had hers. See, you date and it's great. Everyone is nice, pleasant, you're in loooovvve. He gives you a ring. Then your parents spend a ton of money and you are told you are beautiful all day long. Then you wake up 8 months later, get out of bed, step on all his dirty clothes on your way downstairs to make coffee, remarking how you make it everyday, throw some cereal in a bowel, get a cup of coffee, you look over to see your husband scratching his balls asking if you made any damn coffee, and you wonder how he hid that he is a cranky asshole almost every morning until he drinks some coffee, you sit down you watch some tv and he turns on the news, you don't like the news and then it hits you...WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!?

Mom: It took you 8 months? Wow that's impressive.

Rit: I know, all my friends said so too.

Lolo: Um...

My mom and I laughed our asses off. She has no idea. I love freaking her out.

Rubber Ducky

2006-01-24T10:19:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I was slamed at work. I barely had enough time to post the Holmes belly stuff. So today was going to be calmer. So far, it is not.

I forgot to set my alarm and when I rolled over at 7:30 to look at the clock, I was up and running. I went into the bathroom and started running the water for my shower. I pull up the little thingy that makes the water come out of the shower head...and the thingy is in my hand. Huh? It does not go back in, I have broken the shower. I run a bath. I don't like that, it makes me feel dirty. I grab a big cup and use that to help facilitate cleaning.

I jump in my car at 8:10 and start to work. I pull out of my street and turn into massive traffic. I guess more people drive to work at 8 than at 7:20. Nice. So I listen to my Howard Stern substitute, Rover's Morning Glory. I deside I hate them. I hate each and every one of them. I call Mr. Rit and tell him what I have done. He laughs at me. I get to work an hour late. Work is busy. I just want to blog. Damn it! But, it really hasn't been that bad of a day...I got to eat a bagel this morning. I like bagels.

Titties to you!

Timeline of the Mysterious Holmes Bump

2006-01-23T09:45:00.000-06:00

This was on Pink is the New Blog. You can't click the image, click here to see the larger image. Yeah, something weird is going on.

Shocking News (If shocking means we already knew)

2006-01-20T09:15:00.000-06:00

Paris Hiton is a moron.

TMZ.com reports that this is what Paris said in a recent deposition. It was taken last November, in connection with a defamation lawsuit by Zeta Graff against Paris. Graff says Hilton planted lies about her in the New York Post's Page Six. The item says Graff went nuts on a club dance floor last July and attacked Hilton and tried to remove Hilton's multi-million dollar necklace before being tossed from the club. Here are the highlights:

*When she is asked what her companion from that night named Terry's last name is, Paris replied: "It is like a weird Greek name. Like Douglas."

*"I meet so many people. I don't even know some of my friends' names." said Paris

*When asked if she was aware that the article had been republished in various newspapers. Graff's lawyer, Paul Berra, asked, "Were there U.K. publications?" Hilton responded: "No... there is stuff in London." Hilton's lawyer, Larry Stein, jumped in: "London is a U.K. publication." Her retort: "Right. U.K. Whatever."

*Hilton swore she never saw a republication of the article: "I was in Europe the whole summer, and all there is is like French -- I didn't see anything because I wasn't in America."

*Paris testified on the night in question she did have a minor run-in with Graff, the former girlfriend of Hilton's then-boyfriend Paris Latsis. Hilton stated, "I just said to her... she is old and should stay at home with her child instead of being at nightclubs with young people. And just that -- I just - what else did I say? Just that she is not cute at all."

*Hilton, who was admonished several times to use the word "no" instead of "huh-uh," had problems explaining emails between herself and her then-publicist, Rob Shuter. Hilton claims she talked to Shuter after the incident and said: "I don't want this getting out..." But Shuter sent Hilton the article the day it ran with the note: "This is genius." Hilton responded, "You are amazing! I f..... love it!!! You are genius...." Her response is that Shuter is "a f...ing liar."

*When explaining her emails she says "Whatever I write in e-mail, it doesn't mean anything. It is just words I write."

*At one point she blurted out: "I'm so hungry."

*When asked if she was stalking this woman Paris says "I would never say stalking. I'm not a dude. Like, I think a girl can only stalk a guy. She can't really stalk another girl."

I am conflicted. I don't like the skank, but then she says stuff like this and I laugh for a whole hour. Thank you Paris, for being the dumbest person in the world.

When the teacher pops a test and I know I'm in a mess

2006-01-19T13:02:00.000-06:00

Anyone who is anyone watched Saved By the Bell. If you didn't you are either A. too young or B. In serious need of some Jessie Spano.

I just saw on People.com that Zack Morris is having a baby. This peaked my interest into what is going on with our other friends at Bayside High. Here they are in descending cool order.

Kelly Kapowski has her own website. We all know she played a total bitch on 90210, but just what has our dear Kelly been up to lately? Well, looking over her site it seems she has started to direct and her little film has won some awards. Why am I totally surprised? Good for Kelly.

Lisa Turtle was hard. She has no website of her own, but I did learn that she is a Jehova Witness and had parts of Days of our Lives and The Bold and the Beautiful that she quit when she realised she would have to do sex scenes. This apparently goes against her beliefs. That is very un-Lisa Turtle like.

Naturally AC Slater has his own website. He's such a tool. He was on Pacific Blue and is now on ESPN Hollywood. He was also married to the Dorritos Girl, Aly Landry for like a minute. She found out he was a cheating bastard. Cool points way down AC. What would Jessie say?

Screech. I loved Screech. Well, pretty much until he did Saved By the Bell the new class. It was downhill from there. Celebrity Boxing against Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter, not the best idea. He is doing stand up comedy and I am very sad that his website, and this is right no joking, trustthedust.com is not yet up and running. Here is an interview with him in April of 2005. A few notables from the interview. Mike D from the Beasty Boys is not his brother and Neil Diamond is not there dad. (I have totally helped perpetuate that rumor since highschool) And he likes chess and computors and says it is hard for people to see him as anything but the nerd character he played. Um, ok.

Jessie Spano, thank you for teaching me not to get strung out on diet pills. You my friend are a talent. I think we all remember Showgirls. Nuff said.

I'm going to eat cookies in Bed

2006-01-19T09:32:00.000-06:00

Mr. Rit informed me that he is going out of town this weekend. It was pretty funny, because he said it as if I should already know that he was going to go to his friend's land and start burning stuff so they can build a cabin or something. Sometimes I still am amazed at how different we are. My people call contractors, he knows how to build things like houses with his own hands. That's hot.

Anywho, I was so excited! Another "It's like I'm single and can go anywhere I want and not have to call anyone to tell them where I am going" weekend. Friday is on! But after getting off the phone with everyone I know, I found out that they are all busy going out with their husbands or boyfriends on Saturday. My lone single friend who is a nurse is working. What's a girl to do? I'll probably end up stalking all your blogs while listening to Celene Dion's All by Myself, eating oreos, and giving myself a mani and a pedi. Maybe I'll go teepee my parent's house? Who wants to hang out. I just went to Costco so I've got the toliet paper.

I told you I have a foul mouth when driving

2006-01-18T17:00:00.000-06:00

Morning Commute with Me

2006-01-18T08:22:00.000-06:00

Refer to this picture with the Audio Blog. Happy Audio Blog Wednesday!

Remember When,

2006-01-17T14:19:00.000-06:00

No, not that Alan Jackson song that now I have in my head. Stupid Song stuck in my head. I saw this on Lulu's site and it was fun. And dirty.

Please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you! You've got free reign. Start your sentence "Remember when you and I...."

I know you guys are good at making stuff up.

Tag teamed by Hizzle and Tim and boy am I Itchy

2006-01-17T12:47:00.000-06:00

Four Job You've Had

1. Sandwich engineer at Amighettis
2. Order Technition at Outback Steakhouse & Ruby Tuesday's
3. Party Condiment Salesperson
4. Wouldn't you like to know

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:

1. The Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon playing...wait that's not much fun anymore
2. Dazed and Confused...still funny even without refering to #3.
3. History of the World
4. Every Monty Python Movie

Four Places You've Lived:

1. St. Louis, MO
2. Columbia, MO
3. Colorado Springs, CO
4. Delusion

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch:

1. Anything on MTV
2. Law and Order SV (aka Rape Show)
3. Law and Order CI (aka Weird Guy Dund Dund Show)
4. The Office
5. My Name is Earl (yeah, I get 5 kiss my ass)

Four Favorite Books:

1. Everybody Poops
2. Didn't we answer this question on our profile?
3. It seems redundant.
4. Click my profile.

Four Places You've Been on Vacation:

1. Destin, FL (if you are from St. Louis you also have a condo there)
2. Las Vegas, NV
3. Cancun, Mexico (so the pictures say)
4. A padded room

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. Here
2. Most of my links
3. Bankofamerica.com (I really can't stand not balancing my checkbook)
4. Every porn site in existence.

Four of Your Favorite Foods:

I just don't like peas.

Four Places You Would Rather Be Right Now:

1. Under Mr. Rit
2. On top of Mr. Rit
3. In a brokeback sandwich
4. Reading books to sick kids

Four Bloggers You Are Tagging:

After the last four I will tag:
1.Me
2.Me
3.Me
4. Tim (hahahahahahahahaha)

"Cool, a Cowboy Movie!"

2006-01-17T08:47:00.000-06:00

This is what Mr. Rit said as we were watching TV the other night and a preview for Brokeback Mountain came on. Yeah, I know. What to do, what to do. I want to see the movie, but I had resigned myself to seeing it with some girlfriends and not my husband. Now look at what the sweet lord dropped in my lap! But then something weird happened. Real weird. A little angel appeared on my shoulder. I thought that the little devil and I kicked her ass long ago, but there she stood and she wanted to be heard.

My angel started making her case. "Rit I know your small town husband has opened his mind more with the help your gay friends, especially Mark and the fact that he is in drag shows, but he has never gone to see them. You can't take him to see this movie expecting some great macho cowboy movie, only to discover it is a love story. Between two men. Hey, has he been living under a rock or something?" Me "Seriously, he must be. That reason alone should make it ok for me to not tell him and go see the movie in an hour." My angel smurks, "Rit, come on. Be nice." I respond, "Man, this sucks. This is so perfect. He has no idea! Oh, man. Fine, but you have to go away for a really long time again damn you!"

I turn to my husband while visions of him being a cowboy dance in his head, "Um, that movie is about how those two fall in love but since people are prejudice assholes they have to hide their love." Mr. Rit's face falls "What?" I spell it out for him "It's about gay cowboys! Man, how do you not know that?" Mr. Rit "Are you serious? It's..they...really?" His face falls "I get it, that's why it's called brokeback mountain." I glare at him.

I deserve to be sainted for that.

And Bingo was his Name-O

2006-01-13T10:56:00.000-06:00

GAME OooN! Bingo is totally on tonight. I am so excited I could wet myself. Blue-haireds...watch out. Sodd, Tom, Karen and a bunch of our friends went last week and Sodd said "man, I can't believe how serious those people are. They almost took Mike's head off when he yelled Bingo before he should have." Then I cackled. Yep, a cackle. Sodd is becoming increasing concerned about my attendance this evening. I just called him.

Sodd: Hey, Rit
Rit: There was an old lady who had a cool marker caddy for her favorite game called BINGO
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-...interuption.
Sodd: Little excited aren't we, Rit.
Rit: I love old people. I especially like taking all their money. Hey, did they have those cool marker caddies on sale at Bingo last week? How many different color markers can I get?
Sodd: What? What's a caddy? Wait, some ladies had something they put their markers in, is that what that is called? You really need to not be so, um, these people are really serious about bingo Rit.
Rit: I'll fashion one out of my curtain fabric. Maryanne is meeting at our house at six. Six o'clock. We will be at the church at 6:15. I don't want all the blue haireds getting the good seats.
Sodd: Ok. Um...interuption.
Rit: I gotta go. I need to practice whoopin' ass. I have my boss calling out the bingo numbers. See ya at six!

Also my dad called me and said "Hey, when is Mr. Rit coming over so I can kick his ass in poker again." To which I responded, "What you don't want me to come? You are totally scared of me since I kicked your ass on Christmas." Then he said "Whatever, I'm not scared of you. I'll beat your ass this time. Oh, and your mother said your anniversary is almost here and she's talking about spending more of my money. I'm still finding bills from christmas tucked all over the house so let's make a deal. We will take you guys out to dinner and have a moment of silence for all the money I shelled out on your wedding. Anniversary present done." Me "Deal. But I'm kicking your old ass on Saturday, Daddy!" We are going over to la rents on Saturday night for dinner. My sissy's finance is coming in town this weekend and we will be having a Texas Hold em' tournament.

Calling all Ladies!

2006-01-12T22:57:00.000-06:00

Guess who is back on the market. Mr. Knight Rider. Yes, indeedy. The Hoff is open for business. Get in line, Popo is first.

Ask Rit

2006-01-12T11:52:00.000-06:00

Everyday I read Dear Abby. I do. I enjoy it. I am also pretty good a dispensing some advise. So this morning I was reading it and it hit me. "Self, you could do a little segment called Ask Rit." Genuis. So email me at ritmeyer@charter.net and I will answer your life's troubles. Trust me, I know stuff. I was in therepy from 14-20. Yeah, once the Rents cut me off I didn't have to go anymore. I will use terms like, passive agressive, empowering, sexual disfunction, and asshat.

Tagged, gagged and the ransom note has been sent

2006-01-12T08:33:00.000-06:00

I was tagged by Amanda to reveal my 5 weird habits.

"The first player of this game starts with the topic five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

That was very discriptive. Anywho, I wonder if I can find anymore weird habits after doing the 100 things wrong with me up to 80?

1. I never wear matching socks. I will even wear non matching socks to the gym, with shorts or my pants that end 4 inches above my sock line. One could be black, one could have snowflakes on them. One could be white, one could be multi-colored stripes. I find sorting socks boring.

2. My kitchen has to be clean before I will relax and watch TV. Period. I think this is why Mr. Rit married me, he never has to do dishes.

3. I don't wash my makeup off before I go to bed. I was blessed with good skin and I somehow got this idea in my head that that meant it was ok. Which it does. Shut up about getting wrinkles, I'll believe when I see it. Then I will get botox.

4. I HATE long voice mail messages. Mine cell says, "You've reached Rit..beep" our home phone says "You've reached the Meyers...beep". I'm pretty sure people know to leave their name, number and message and that I will call them back. If not, you're a retard and to quote Popo "No offense to retards." When I call a friend and they have a long message, I hang up. When they call me back, because they have caller id, and ask me why I didn't leave a message I tell them that I must have fell asleep during their long message and hung up the phone. If you have you kids do some long cutsy message, I find it cute once. Just once. ONLY ONCE! Then I leave my own form of "cute" message on your VM that may or may not involve my rape whisle and my stunning rendition of I'm a little Teapot, Bobin' up and down in My Little Red Wagon, and It's a Small World.

5. I can't get off the phone or leave somewhere without telling the people I love that I love them. Even if my mom just called me a selfish little pain in the ass, I will storm out screaming "I love you so much!" Even if my husband and I just got into some major fight and then I have to go to dinner with my friends, I walk up to him and say "I really don't like you right now, but I will love you forever." I can't stand the thought of someone's last encounter with me ending with me not letting me know how I feel. I guess that happened one too many times...The surprising benefit to this tick, is that my loved ones find it so hysterical that it ends the fight.

I tag the usual suspects. Hizzle, Tinapopo, Tim, Lulu, and BabyJewels. Oh and anyone else who wants to.

National Delurking Week

2006-01-11T14:42:00.000-06:00

I have seen on several sites, namely Kimmyk where I found this image above, that it is National De-Lurking Week. If you lurk, which I know you do because I know you come here, that's ok. But this week say something, anything:

Hello, You are my Hero
I worship you, so why won't you answer my emails.
You are so hot, leave Skywalker for me.
You are incredibly selfish.
Why are you such an evil bitch?
I read you because your life makes me feel better about mine own.

You know, let me know you were here. It's like my bulldog Ms Maggie Magee peeing on my carpet. She's just telling me she loves me.

No More Buns

2006-01-11T12:46:00.000-06:00

Unless you put crack on a bun.

More Buns!

2006-01-11T09:39:00.000-06:00

A bun is in Angelina's oven, and Pitt put it there.

After weeks of rumors as reported here and here, at thebosh, the sexy actress confirmed the pregnancy while in the Dominican Republic, where she is filming "The Good Shepherd" with Matt Damon.

"Yes, I'm pregnant," the magazine quoted Jolie as telling charity aid worker.

Last week, Celebrity Weekly Life & Style reported on exclusive evidence pointing to a pregnancy for the Hollywood star. According to the mag, when the actress returned to the set of The Good Shepherd in early December for a few days of reshoots after a two-month break, the crew immediately noticed a problem: The costumes no longer fit over Angie’s suspicious stomach bump. “Her body had changed so much,” an onset insider tells Life & Style, “that her wardrobe had to be refitted to give her extra room in the tummy area. Several dresses had to be altered.”

I wonder how long until Maddox gets out of rehab and Zahara gets knocked up and blames it on their parents loving their "real" kid more. Oh shut up, you know you thought it too.

Think Outside the Bun

2006-01-11T09:07:00.000-06:00

PS. My boss knocked on my door right after I said the first John, um that's his name and he thought I was calling him. Oops.

If you build it...Hey what the HELL!!

2006-01-11T08:28:00.000-06:00

So yesterday BabyJewels said and I quote "Psst. Audio blog tommarow. pass it on.(also, popo's sleeping with the janitor) ". So last night around 10:30 pm I made my audio post. It was awesome. There was mid-west accent all up in that post. I pressed the button to post to my blog. Where the hell is it? Um, somewhere on some blog someone has an audio post with some mid-western freak yelling Taco Bell and calling out one BabyJewels to represent.

Now Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

2006-01-10T15:21:00.000-06:00

Damn, we got all serious. Tim likened us to Dr. Phil and I have to agree.

Thank god we have quasi-celebrities doing things like this. Hey, at least she didn't take after Paris with the ole whoo-ha digging. [source]

A Million Pieces of Bullshit

2006-01-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a departure from my normally light and breezy posts, if you don't like it please wait a couple hours until some juicy gossip post goes up.

Oprah and the rest of the world has fallen for A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I also have read this book. Due to my close proximity to recovering alcoholics, I found much of the book hard to take. His claim that alcoholism and drug addiction is a choice and not a disease, is not only wrong as proven by medical science which has classified it as a disease, but a gross lie that will help further perpetuate the idea most of the world has that an alcoholic is mearly a person who has no self control. He also claimed that 12 step programs were crap. Not according to the many love ones I know who have found sobriety through these programs when they couldn't go a day without drinking or using. I don't believe that 12 step programs are the only way to get sober, but to say they don't do anything since they aren't diseases, is an irresponcible statement.

Imagine my not a all surprise when I was looking at the Smoking Gun and found their in depth exclusive A Million Little Lies that came out on January 8, 2006. James Frey has exaggerated and out and out lied about almost everything in his book.

BlogNYC says it best:

Sounds like little Miss Oprah got duped, and made a lying preppy boy who says the 12 step program is bullshit and that addiction is a choice not a disease, really fucking rich in the process.

Make sure you go read The Smoking Gun's version, it goes into much more detail and actually chronicles interviews with Frey himself as well as law enforcement and acquaintances of Frey's and point out every step of the way how Frey just makes shit up.

That, my friends, is the definition of an asshat.

****Lulu has brought to my attention that Oprah and her people need to be held accountable as well. Nice research Oprah, nice research. I will continue my not reading of your book club books. (I have read many books that eventually find their way on your list, and when it was a good one it makes me sad for the book.)

Oh, it's SO on

2006-01-09T10:01:00.000-06:00

This weekend was awesome. Why was it so awesome? I'm not freaking sick anymore that's why. Friday Mr. Rit and I decided to have date night. On our way out the door some friends called and say Bingo was on. We were conflicted, but Italian food was calling my name so off we went to my friend Nick's family restaurant. We love going to The Hill. Yummy, yummy toasted ravioli. It's a St. Louis thing that you all must try before you die. Dinner was lovely and romantic. Yes, we do romantic every once in awhile. Of course we can't possibly continue romantic all night. We went home and played gin rummy, which Mr. Rit hadn't ever played. I must have forgotten to tell him that you don't have to lay down the run or 3 of a kinds as soon as you aquire them. When 5 hands in I picked up a card and layed everything down and won, he looked at me and threw his cards across the table and yelled "Cheater! " I looked at him all innocent like and said "It's in the rules, do you want me to google it?" Mr. Rit "well, well, if those are the rules, that's the chicken shit way of playing! I'm not going to play anymore!" Me, "Boo boo kitty head don't be like that." Mr. Rit "Fine, fine we'll still play but I'm going to hold all my cards. Let's see if you will still win after that." Well, I did still win. I was a tense game up until it hit 500 points. He challeged me to another game, he won that. He trash talked and I asked God if he was there, because Margaret was about to whoop some husband ass. Aren't we precious?

So, la Skywalker and I had a bit of the pregnancy scare this month. Mr Rit has been bugging me about having a kid since the minute we got married, but I wasn't ready. I was 5 days late and when Saturday rolled around and we discovered we weren't pregnant, I found out that I want a baby. I cried. I walked downstairs in tears to get some comfort from my football watching husband (who is also watching with Tom and Sodd):

Rit: ::tears in eyes:: I'm not pregnant.
Skywalker: You I-D-I-O-T!!!!
Rit: What?
Skywalker: DAMN IT! made aware of me because Tom and Sodd are staring at me and hitting him What...oh my god, why are you crying. What's wrong!
Rit: I'm not pregnant.
Skywalker: On no, really? I totally thought you were. Damn. hugs me then starts watching game again.
Rit: So, um. I was thinking we should just start trying.
Skywalker: WHOO HOOO! clapping while Tom and Sodd's mouths drop open. Tom starts laughing.
Rit: SKYWALKER! I'm trying to talk to you.
Skywalker: Rit, you're killing me. Can't this wait until..YES!!!! all the boys have jumped up and clapping and yelling, I'm wishing Karen had come over with Tom.

I know it is stupid to be talking to him in the middle of watching whatever game he is watching. I also know that this is not the type of conversation you have infront of your friends. I know these things. But my mommy clock has over ridden my brain, rendering my rational thought powerless.

Rit: I want to start trying to have a baby now.
Skywalker: But I thought you were all upset that you might be pregnant because you wanted to lose that last 10 lbs you put on when you quit smoking before you get pregnant? Tom looks at me eyes all big looks back at Mr. Rit and says "you're an idiot"
Rit: glaring at him, mouth agape when genuis strikes Fine, how about we start when I lose that 10 lbs.
Skywalker: Oh my god, son of a bitch and all the boys are yelling at some dumb ass football player
Rit: Mr. Rit!!! So...
Skywalker: Ok, fine.
Tom and Sodd's mouths drop open, I leave the room satisfied.

The adult in me thinks I may need to discuss this with him again. The bigger part of me worked out for two hours yesterday and got up at 5:30 this morning and worked out. Besides, Tom and Sodd probably told him what he agreed to anyway.

Ways to Tell if Your Husband is Gay

2006-01-06T13:26:00.000-06:00

Here are answers Star Jones gave about her husband Al. [source] In order to get an actual hetrosexual male's responce, Mr. Rit was interviewed.

On Al's bedroom attire: About a week later, in bed, I said to him, 'Honey, you have on your T-shirt - are you cold?' And he, whom most people consider to have one of the most gorgeous bodies on the planet - those shoulders - answered me by saying, 'I just don't look as good naked as you do.'"

Mr Rit's bedroom attire: Did he want to get laid? Is that why he said that bullshit about her looking better naked than him? You always look better naked, cause you have boobs and I don't. Who is Star Jones?

On Al's passion: "My man - he's passionate ... Al is passionate about some textures - he loves the feel of cashmere."

Mr. Rit's passion: What's cashmere? Is that like whatever a Duvet is? Hey, are we gonna do it tonight or what, cause you'll see my passion there.

On how they got through two months of celibate courtship: "Al and I often used dancing as that outlet ... We'd read poetry out loud. When I say to you that this was far more intense lovemaking than any 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am' could ever be, I mean it."

Mr. Rit's responce: Did you just say poetry and "lovemaking"? Ha, ha, ha. I'll show you wham, bam, thank you Mr. Rit" hell yeah. Hey, why can I hear you typing? Are you gonna put this on your stupid blog thingy? RIT!

Somehow we were disconnected.

Why Not!

2006-01-06T09:42:00.000-06:00

So, for some reason Bingo is game off tonight. I don't know if Mr. Rit saw Tim's suggestion for yelling at the blue hairs during the high stakes game and he knows that I would indeed do that or if my insane competitive nature has driven my friends from wanting to do anything with me that declares a winner. Hey, I apologised 2 weeks ago for getting all crazy and I have incorporated something in my prayers that has been helping me.

::Kneeling at bedside::

Are you there God? It's me Margaret ::laughter:: I know I do that everytime, but seriously it is funny. Oh and thanks for letting someone invent adhesive strips. Anywho, I've been having some trouble with being too competative. You know how my earthly Dad told me that there was no such thing as being too competative? I think he was wrong. Mr. Rit stares me real mean when I yell at someone for messing up if we are playing teams. I think I may actually care about embarassing him. Well, just with this one thing. Please help me not care so much that I win. Um, ok that's too much. Please help me not yell and berate my friends and trash talk so much. I don't like hurting people's feelings. Ok, people I like. I don't want to be mean to my friends, please help me to be kinder. Oh and world peace.

I think it is working. Last weekend I didn't yell at anyone, and i lost both games of Apples to Apples. See!

Popo Loves Me

2006-01-05T16:49:00.000-06:00

She really loves me! Look at me beautiful new template and logo. LOOK DAMN IT! Isn't it awesome. This was well worth the wait.

Thanks TinaPopo!

A Meme

2006-01-05T08:53:00.000-06:00

Because I like anything with Me in it. Thanks, Popo and Lulu.

First off, I'm still sick. I am on a course of antibiotics that haven't kicked in yet. I will be traveling home soon. And then spending the day blogging. Fine, sleeping. (If sleeping means blogging)

A is for age:
28 years aged to perfection.

B is for booze of choice:
Nyquil

C is for career:
I thought C was for cookie, that's good enough for me! Oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

D is for your dog's name:
Ms. Maggie Magee (bulldog )and Gus (lab). They are camera shy. And Ms. Maggie Magee is lazy. Like her mama.

E is for essential items you use everyday:
Clean undies, a shower, and my coffee maker. Oh and Mr. Rit. And my pact with the Devil.

F is for favorite song at the moment:
I'm not sayin' she a golddigga, but she ain't messin' with no broke nigga.

G is for favorite games:
Poker online or in person I will smoke you! Apples to Apples, scene it, and spaides. I will crush you. Kill you. You. Will. Lose. Does someone want to come play with me, Mr. Rit and my friends won't play with me anymore?
::crickets::

H is for hometown
Des Peres, Mo. We love it when fellow Missourians call it Dez Perez, Missoura.

I is for instruments you play:
Guitar and Mr. Rit.

J is for jam or jelly you like:
Ewww, the word jam makes me think of toe jam.

K is for kids?:
Well, I'm 3 days late so here's to freaking out!

L is for last kiss?:
5:30 am this morning.

M is for most admired trait:
My shocking beauty. But that is a tie with my emense humility.

N is for name of your crush:
Ummmmm, Mister Rit? Yes. Yes that's it.

O is for overnight hospital stays:
Well, there was the time I slamed a bottle of Vodka the first time I drank. I believe that may have been a two dayer.

P is for phobias:
We don't have the time for this one. Baby steps...

Q is for quotes you like:
"Lots of people go to school for seven years."
"Yeah, their called Doctors." Tommy Boy

R is for biggest regret:
As cheesy as this may sound, I have none. I know everything I've done has made me who I am. Wait, scrap all that shit. I am pissed I didn't buy those boots at Nordstom's the other day. Damn me, damn me to HELL!

S is for sweets of your choice:
REESE"S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!

T is for time you wake up:
Alarm 6:00am. On a good day, I'm up. The other 364 days. 6-snooze. 6:09 snooze. 6:18 bargain with self, no breakfast, change alarm to 6:45. 6:45 bargain with self no shaving the legs in the shower, hit snooze. 6:54 drag ass out of bed.

U is for underwear?
Yes, please.

V is for vegetable you love:
All but peas. I hate peas. Peas suck.

W is for worst habit:
None. I quit smoking and now I am perfect. Fine, gossip. Just like Popo. I LOVE to know.

X is for x-rays you've had:
Each finger. Both wrists. My left leg. My knees. My right ankle. My left arm. 2 Cat scans.

Y is for yummy food you make:
I make a killer chili, great salads and hors d'ouevres, and an awesome chicken dish that involves bacon, sour and cream cheese among other things.

Z is for zodiac sign:
Taurus.

Patient and reliable
Warmhearted and loving
Persistent and determined
Placid and security loving

On the dark side....

Jealous and possessive
Resentful and inflexible
Self-indulgent and greedy

This sign crap is for the birds. Anyone who knows me would never use the word Patient or placid to describe me. Or loving.

Oh, and you know I pronouce my sign like this: TAR-US
I take this sign thing to mean I'm a Ford.

Some totally not at all Shocking News

2006-01-04T13:37:00.000-06:00

Lindsay Lohan revealed to Vanity Fair that she had bulimia and has used drugs. [source]

"I was sick ... I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself,' " the star admits in the latest issue of Vanity Fair, which hits newsstands today. She's used drugs "a little" -- but quickly insists, "I've gotten that out of my system." Then, squirming over her sudden public admission to the mag, the star appears flustered when asked if her drugs of choice included cocaine and denies she ever did it. She adds only, "I don't want people to think that I've done ... you know what I mean? It's kind of a sore subject." Vanity Fair said her publicist phoned the mag the next day to try to squelch the confession.

How could she have let something like that slip out? Maybe she was all coked up, or had just eaten too much and needed a potty break? She is looking rather thin again and was just hospitalized for an "asthma attack".

She also admitted that she smothered Wilmer and that is why they broke up. Don't feel bad Linsday, that is how all 18 year old girls relationships get broken up. Well, the ones that are insecure and smothering.

In other news, Michael Jackson's career is over.

Hells to the Yeah!

2006-01-03T13:56:00.000-06:00

My best pal KFed dropped his single- Popozao. This song is so bad it's good. Like when I heard the little bit of his last song and I played it 500 gazillion times. Yes, I did. Let me be the first to connect our Popo to Kfed.

I wanna see your kitty and a little bitta titty
Wanna know where I go when I'm in your city
Girl, don't you worry about all the dough
Cuz a cat is coming straight outta the 'No

How is that not about Popo and her 'night' job.

What's missing in 2006?

2006-01-03T10:35:00.000-06:00

Nicole Richie, that's what's missing. What happened chica? This is so not hot! Please, eat something. PLEASE! [source]

200th Post

2006-01-02T10:58:00.000-06:00

as well as my first post of 2006. I could not have planned this any better. New Years was great. We went to a friend's party then back to our house for Texas hold em until 5 in the morning. I won 2 tourney's and came in 2nd in the third and my friends are starting to think twice about playing with me anymore. Kiss it, I can't help it if I rock at the poker. I'm going to the World Series of poker, hell yeah I am.

I got all pyched up and ready to kick some wrinkled ass and do some yelling Bore-a-phil style at Bingo on Friday. We pulled up to an empty church parking lot. Not going on that night, so bingo is happening this week.

Yesterday we layed around the house and watched movies. March of the Penguins, which I cried my eyes off at. Poor baby penguins that didn't make it. Damn IT! Then we watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith and I have discovered that when I look at Angelina I want to hit her. I am definately for the non cheating Team Aniston. Screw those two assholes. Mr. Rit said the same thing. Then we watched the Law and Order CI marathon.

Today I have just woken up and feel like when you were a kid and you know that you have to go back to school the next day and you are all sad. I don't want to work tomorrow. Oh well, I'm going to go wake up Mr. Rit and see what fun we can go have today.

2005 Was a Pretty Good Year

2005-12-31T02:01:00.000-06:00

Rit's 2005 Year in Review (aka an excuse to post her wedding pics and some of other Pimps and Ho's)

Jan 1-February 18th- Finished planning my wedding or as Mr Rit likes to say "The time I was wishing the girl I asked to marry would show her face again"

February 19, 2005

First we did this. Then

We did a little of this

Then danced like this

and a whole lot of that.

February 20, 2005- We slept alot.

March-August, 2005-Lived life. But something was missing. I just didn't know it. Then one day I was looking at freekatie.net and stumbled on to

this. And this was born.

Then I met someone who hated me

Then a woman who lies

and good ole Hizzle who like to set loved ones on fire.(who had no pictures for me to use against her, but me loves her so)

There's this big ole teddy bear, the proud papa

2005 Continued...

2005-12-31T02:00:00.000-06:00

Proud Papa

And Lucy's crazy friend

Last, but not least the sweet angelic face of this lovely creature

And then I found the rest of my links and stalk you all and you stalk me. It's kinda like a back stratching thing. Um...

We've laughed, we've cried, we've brought shame to our parents, we've called each other names and made dirty films about each other.

Thank you, 2005, for introducing me to some of the sickest SOBs in the world. I never knew there were so many like me. I truely love you all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We're going to party like it's 2050!

2005-12-30T09:24:00.000-06:00

In my fastpaced, exciting life you must keep weekend partying changing so it stays fresh and new. This is what Sodd and Mr. Rit (I'm lazy and typing Skywalker is starting to annoy me) decided whilst yours truely lay on the couch deathly ill last week. So last night we are watching Supernatural, which by the way those guys are smoking. The episode was set in St. Louis so I'm pointing out where each scene was filmed and Mr. Rit, who is NOT sick, is blowing his nose for the bizzionth time and saying "Yeah, I don't care. Rit!" He is so cranky when he is ill, and I just love to agitate people so I just keep pointing it out. Tee Hee. I make him soup and shit, back off. So when a commercial comes I ask him if I can make plans for Friday since he is too sick to go out. He responds that he is not sick and that he and Sodd decided that we all will go play Bingo tonight. Um, what? He tells me that Maryanne is already in. Excuse me? Really? This is where he gets excited "Yeah, the big prize is $1,000." I am shocked, I mean that's not chump change. I could really get him to see that buying me photoshop would be in his best interest then. Muy ha ha ha. So I say "Honey, but I don't have time to make myself a holder for all my different colored markers?" Confusion spreads across Mr. Rit's face. He and Sodd have no idea how serious this is. I am so excited, I will take pictures.

Kfed is my Friend!

2005-12-29T22:37:00.000-06:00

Yes he is.

Go Paris, Go

2005-12-29T18:44:00.000-06:00

I saw this earlier on A Socialites Life and thought to myself "self, should you really subject your viewers to another 'famous for no reason person' doing something fucked up?" Here's my answer people. I am doing the internet a service. Take your herpes meds or you'll itch like crazy. Or is it an eye STD that has spread to her who-ha? Whichever.

New Year's Decisions

2005-12-29T10:46:00.000-06:00

So I was on the phone with the husband while driving into work today. I called to see how he was feeling, since he IS NOT SICK! He is totally sick. I told him that one of my New Year's Resolutions will be to eat healthy. I believe this is why we are sick. Not at all because everyone we know is sick, and now we have gotton it. It's because I loves me some pringels and rotel dip. (dinner last night)

What was Skywalker's response?

Skywalker-::stuffy laughter:: People always make resolutions, never a decision.
Rit-Um, ok Yoda. Kiss my ass. Guess who is making green beans and chicken for dinner tonight. Me, that's who. Decision Made. Seacrest OUT!
Skywalker-It's not even New Year's yet, decision lady. I'll believe it when I see it.
Rit- I said, Seacrest Out!
::crickets::
Skywalker-What does that even mean?
Rit-Later
Skywalker-Ok ::cough::
Rit-You are totally sick
Skywalker-I am not! NO I AM NOT SICK!
Rit: Outy 5000
Skywalker: what the hell is wrong with you?
Rit: Cold meds
Skywalker: Oh yeah, cause you're sick.

So, who else is gonna make some New Year's Decisions?

1. Eat healthier (not hard, just an apple a day would be heathlier)
2. Continue not smoking
3. Keep blogging

That's good so far.

Let's give props to the Mullet People

2005-12-28T12:04:00.000-06:00

In honor of Lulu's post about her white trash ex-hubby, I give you Rit's Excersion into the world of White Trash.

The year was 2000, the place was the apartment Skywalker and I were about to move into. We both worked for this company and we were friends with the owners. They had just promoted me to property manager and said, "Hey we have a place that just opened up in such and such, you should move in. We are rehabing them and we would give it to you under going price." Hell yeah we will. We never went to look at it and Skywalker is from a little bitty town up north and I grew up in richy richy land and had no idea what lay beyond the west county borders. We drive and drive with our stuff a packed in tight. We pass this store called Dirt Cheap and cops, ambulance, firetrucks are swarming it. We turn onto our street just beyond the Dirt Cheap and as we pull up the street we see a bunch of ganster looking people hanging out on the porch of the duplex connected to our new home. We pull in the drive and step out of the truck. All eyes are on us. I hear an airplane fly by over head. I whisper to Skywalker "Hey, are we actually that close to the fucking airport!?" Skywalker "um, I guess." Me "We are going to die here." Skywalker "Stop being so dramatic." A voice from the porch "Hey fine thang. You moving your sweet ass in?" I stare at the ground wishing it would swallow me whole. Skywalker "What the fuck! Do you not see me standing here with my girlfriend? Don't you ever talk to her like that again." My life flashes before my eyes.

Out of nowhere I hear a woman's voice. "Hey you f*ers, leave em' alone." Walking towards me is a woman...I think. She has a mullet, missing teeth, a two year old on one hip and a beer in the other hand. It's 10:30 am. I mean, my people at least have the decency to hide the fact that they are drinking at 10:30 am. "Hi, I'm Bunny and this here is Tammy. We live two places down. I was just talking to my husband Clyde and we are so glad that yous are white. We need us some more whites on the street." My mouth drops open and I just stare at her. The "gangsters" about pissed themselves when they saw my horrified face. She never did seem to understand that I was offended by what she said.

Long story short, all the "coloreds" as Bunny likes to say were nice to us except the folks who ran the crack house across the street. It would seem that they didn't like the property manager living that close to their operation. But I saw alot. They invited us to go swimming one day, which intailed sitting in their kiddy pool and drinking Dirt Cheap beer. One day Bunny came over and knocked on our door. I made the mistake of answering it. "Hey, does your man know how to set up an air purifurer (pronounced fur)? We got one off the sidwalk. Tammy's been gettin her a smokers cough and we thought puttin this in hers room would help." Me "What? Your two year old smokes!?" Bunny "Ha ha, yous funny. It's from all the smoking me and Clyde do."

We got out of the lease 1 month after we moved in. We found out that the reason all the cops were outside of the Dirt Cheap the day we moved in was because all the employees were shot and killed. Gang related crime. Those happened alot out there.

Dear Marisa,

2005-12-28T12:03:00.000-06:00

Why did you turn your comments off?

Love,
Rit

191

2005-12-28T10:44:00.000-06:00

That is what number this post is. It's my 191st post. Yep, that's all I got. Well that and my mom just called.

Mom: Hey Rit, how are you feeling?
Rit: H-silence-y m-squeak.
Mom: Oh, honey you sound like shit. Well, hey I can hear you now that's good, right?
Rit: Ye-squeak.
Mom: Your dad has laryngitis now too and he totally blames you. He said if you wouldn't have stayed over until 2am on christmas playing texas hold 'em he wouldn't be sick.
Rit: H-silence-y, may-squeak-e if h-silence did-squeak-t get dr-squeak-nk...whimper.
Mom: Stop trying to talk. I told him that he was already getting sick and that all that beer on christmas didn't help matters. He's just kidding, but when you come by he's gonna blame you. Ha ha, not that he can talk or anything. Do you want to go shopping or something? Hey, we could go see the Producers and go to Nordstroms!
Rit: Ye-squeak.
Mom: Be over here at 4 tonight.

I am really sick of being sick. All the cold meds have interupted my brain's normal functions and don't get me started on this whole not being able to communicate with words shit either. Here's to praying I will come up with something better for my 192nd post.

MY EYES!

2005-12-27T10:36:00.000-06:00

Sweatin' to the Ball Sack, Simmons newest exercise craze. See how much people enjoy it!

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-25T08:06:00.000-06:00

or as my people say...Merry Christmas!

I have gotten sicker and sicker by the day, and now I have lost my voice. I am going to the Docter tomorrow. Christmas Eve was fun, but I couldn't talk. This made me sad, however my family is full of some funny S.O.B's. My uncle polled my family about whether they promote the "war on Christmas" by saying Happy Holidays or do they just suck it up and say Merry Christmas. 20 out of 21 members of my family said to screw political correctness, that's just not for us. The one PC person was a drunk aunt who's stint in rehab 10 months ago apparently was just for a 30 day rest from work, and she married into the family so we are debating as to whether this counts towards our numbers. We ate our own weight in food, opened tons of presents, went on the annual "we need more alcohol" beer run (irish catholics loves them some christmas drinking), watched the annual Christmas episodes of South Park (a record year, my grandma only yelled "oh, that's terrible" four times), and hugged and said goodbye as if we all weren't going to be at my parents house at 1 today. Life is beautiful. Skywalker and I drove home and he said how blessed he feels to have married me, to be apart of this wonderful family, and for all the friends we have to which I teared up and nodded. This no voice thing sure has made him a happy man.

I love you all, Merry Christmas!

All alone again

2005-12-23T08:43:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning even sicker. This sucks! Sick on Christmas, oh the horror. Now Skywalker said he made plans with Sodd and they are going out today at 10. Last night we were going to do something fun today. I believe it is because I am sicker. He is mean and I hate him.

Mother Daughter Moment

2005-12-22T11:26:00.000-06:00

This moment brought to you by Creepy Mother Daughter Photos, If I squish the Hell out of my Boobs Maybe People will Think I Have Some and Your 15 Minutes Are Up!

We are on a schedule

2005-12-22T11:16:00.000-06:00

Skywalker is off work to, and we just got back from a trip to Blockbuster, McDonald's and Walgreens. I wanted a crossandwich from Jack n' the Box, but apparently with all of the nothing we have to do today, Skywalker said we had to go to McDonalds because it is closer to the other 2 places and he would only have to make right turns. Um, ok. Boys are silly.

Good Morning

2005-12-22T08:54:00.000-06:00

This makes me not hate her so much. No makeup, not too good. Thanks Eva for letting us mere mortals not feel like the hunchback.

Cold Meds make me Creative

2005-12-21T21:59:00.000-06:00

Look at me movie

2005-12-21T20:33:00.000-06:00

Martha Stewart is freaking out

2005-12-21T19:11:00.000-06:00

Not because I just gave her insider information or made her my bitch. No sir. Here is an example of a thank you card some people received as a result of giving me a present on my wedding day:

Dear Person who thought I was beautiful,

We so happy that you were able to help us celebrate our wedding. Thank you so much for the cookie sheets and mixer, it will help me in my quest to dethrone Martha Stewart as The Domestic Goddess. Without the jail time of course.

Love,
Rit and Skywalker Meyer

Well my friends, let the dethroning begin! Here is my kitchen table. What is covering it?

Only these delicious confections. We made chocolate covered pretzels, covered in m & m's, christmas tree sprinkles, crushed oreos, dipped them in carmel & chocolate and cover them in pecans...that's all. Oh, then we are going to put them into hand decorated coffee mugs. Tomorrow I am going to see what kind of craft I can fashion from something from my backyard. You know I got the mad skills.

**was an actual sample of a RitMeyer Wedding Thank you

Yes, I'm Here

2005-12-21T09:49:00.000-06:00

I'm at home, and fucking posting. Right the hell on! Shit, Maryanne just knocked on the door. It's Martha time. Oh, I'll be back bitches...

Museum Opening

2005-12-20T12:10:00.000-06:00

The Psychiatry: Industry of Death museum opened December 17 by the aliens who brought you TomKat.

Hollywood Scientologists turned out in force on Saturday night (Dec. 17) for the opening of the new Psychiatry: Industry of Death museum.

The museum was created by the Citizens Commission on Human Rights (CCHR), a psychiatric watchdog group founded in 1969 by the Church of Scientology.

The gala affair brought out such stars as Catherine Bell, Anne Archer, Jenna Elfman, Danny and Chris Masterson, Leah Remini, and Lisa Marie and Priscilla Presley.
While none of the stars are believed to have a medical degree, the colorful graphics and informative documentaries in the exhibits certainly seemed convincing enough for them to confidently label psychiatry a "fraud" and an "industry of death."

Actress Anne Archer delivers the startling news that at least 100,000 electroshocks are administered annually. The CCHR press release further informs that "psychiatrists kill up to 10,000 people" annually with their use of electroshock, which works out to one in ten.

Actor Danny Masterson explains that anyone who disagrees with them on the subject is "completely misinformed."

If your psychiatrist is not otherwise occupied murdering 10 percent of his electroshock patients, you still run the risk of having one of the 10 to 25 percent of psychiatrists that sexually assault their patients (unsubstantiated figures courtesy CCHR).

The American Psychiatric Association was unable to provide a comment for this story. [source]

Here is the website of the CCHR if you are totally bored. It's a wonderful read of fiction and lies if I have ever seen it.