cause I might clog your sink, burn your children, serve you frozen smoked turkey, and give your kids toys that will knock out their teeth.

Yes, it's that time people. Rit's In-law Christmas Time!

So Friday I go home early from work to start preparations for the entertaining. I get home and Skywalker is asleep on the couch. What? We need to clean (I am totally OCD, so everything is already clean but I should clean it again anyway). He is unwakable, so I start working on my own. Here is the plan. We need to clean, go to Costco, go to the regular grocery store, and be showered and ready to go to my company Holiday party by 6:30. I wake the hubbo up at 3, he is pissed. He is not to friendly after a nap, oh well, we all have our crosses to bear. But I notice he is more surly that usual. Yep, he is not feeling well. After 3 cups o' starbucks he is still unhappy and sleepy. I call and cancel our RSVP to the company pary. By 4:30, we head off to Costco. I buy the hors 'douvres, shrimp and puff pastry cheese thingys. Skywalker isn't so sick that he can't wonder around looking at tools and stuff. I buy too much as usual and find my other half playing solitare on one of the computors. I shake my head and come up with a brilliant plan. "Hey, lets get a pizza from here and call Maryanne and Todd and tell them to come over and we'll play spaids?" Skywalker "We are having 12 people over tomorrow, I don't think it's the best idea, but you do whatever.." I'm dialing the phone. They come over and we play cards until 1:15 in the morning. Fun was had, girls kicked boys asses, and I stayed up until 2:30 finishing my cleaning.

6:00 am - Alarm goes off. I jump out of bed and grab a cup o' java, and run around my house. At 7:45 Skywalker comes downstairs. Everything is done except vaccuming and moping the kitchen floor. He is mad I didn't wake him up. I wanted him to get some sleep. Awe, we are cute. So I have to run to the grocery store and pick up stuff for a salad. I decided last minute to make a salad too. Then I have to run by my office because I left my ice bucket there from my client party and then go to my parent's place to borrow a card table. It is 8:00. At 9:30 I am heading from my office to the rents and my phone rings. "Uh, honey. I was putting the new shower liner in and um, we need a new curtain rod." Me "Why? Did you break it?" Boo boo "Nope, I'm using it to clean out my ears." I have to stop by Target now and get a new rod (hahaha). 10:30 I am heading home and 'she gives me money when I'm in neeheeheed' It's Skywalker again. "Where are you!!" he's frantic. "I'm at the park." Hubby "What?! Why?!" me "I'm milking a duck." Him "Damn it, my cigs are in the truck and I need one. How close are you to being at home." Me "Well I was about 5 minutes, but I think I will drive around the block a few times." Skywalker "Rit Margaret Meyer!" I now know I am in super big trouble and I've been standing outside our condo, so I open the door holding his smokes and he looks at me all lovingly and lites up as quickly as possible.

Noon-My sister-in-law Kat and her husband Ron and the two most adorable children in the world call. They are lost. I can hear veggi tales and my 1 year old nephew Jack screaming in the backround and his older 4 year old brother Ben saying "Wow mom, he's mad." Dang, kids seem fun after 5 hours in a car. This is when I find out that my other SIL has decided she will not be attending the christmas festivities due to personal reasons I can't devulge. Kat, none to pleased with the situation. Directions are given and I get back to pealing the potatos. Shit, I need a shower. Skywalker offers to finish peeling so I can get all made up. He asks if it is ok to be putting the peels down the drain. I tell him yes. He looks worried. I tell him it is fine. I get all clean, make up on, and my hair did when I hear cussing. It seems that the potato peels have clogged our sink. Whoops. Off my hubby heads to the store to get drano, candy, and a gift certificate for his grandma.

12:45-Kat, Ron and the two adorables get here. Ben is blind, so he starts checking out the place. Kat & Ron unload the car, so Ben & Jack hang with me. "Aunt Rit, what is this?" he asks about everything he touches. In 10 minutes he has the layout of our first floor down. The kid is amazing. Oh and brilliant. He is four and can already spell stuff. "Aunt Rit. Rit. Rit starts with R. Ben starts with B. Microwave starts with M." I scoup him up and declare him the smartest boy in the world as Jack looks over at me from across the room laughs and pulls my lamp on the floor shattering the bulb. I run over and pick him up and put him in the living room and sweep up the glass. I hear a little screech. I run in the living room to watch Jack dipping his hand in my candles wax. I grab him in one arm, blow out my candles, set him down in a chair and proceed to move all my candles. Ben continues asking what everything is. It isn't until 2 hours later I catch on that he knows what everything is, he is just asking to ask. I get the candles moved and walk in to see Jack pulling off my ornaments from the tree and throwing them at his brother. I quickly realise that my house is not even 1 % kid proof. Kat and I spend 20 minutes proofing the house. She says "So, are you going to start having kids now or what?" all weekend she looks at me and laughs a little. She and her husband are awesome.

1:15-Hubby returns and starts to work on the drain after he runs around with the kiddos for a bit. I set out the appetizers and wait. Turkey in oven, check. Potatos peeled and ready to be boiled, check. Veggies, check. Salad stuff ready to be mixed, check. Rolls, check. Pie, check. People who were supposed to be here at 1pm. Not check.

2:45- In comes grandma, Aunt Vodka, Uncle Blah, cousin Greg, and cousin Pat (like It's Pat from SNL, seriously). Sink, totally still clogged. 5 minutes later, in walks the mother-in-law. Jack keeps running from the family room into the kitchen and once he hits the kitchen tile...splat! The kid just rolls over, gets up, and continues running into the kitchen. I am starting to boil the potatos and hear nothing...silence. Not good. I look over just in time to see that Jack has climbed up on one of my kitchen stools and has his hand in one of my candles. He sees me seeing him. He quickly picks up all the napkins and throws them off the counter. I laugh my ass off and grab him off the counter and shower him with kisses. I'm screwed as a parent. I find all the f*ed up shit they do hysterical. I set him down and off he goes.

3:30-Dinner will be ready in 30 minutes so someone says something about presents. Ben starts flipping out. "Presents, Toys, Presents, Toys, Presents, Toys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jack makes a break for the stairs for he 100th time and I caught him on step 2. Skywalker places the present from Aunt Rit & Uncle Skywalker infront of him. He attacks that present, eyes huge, smile ginorous. "What is it, what its it. Aunt Rit! What is it!" It was in plastic so he couldn't tell from feeling it. "It's a firetruck Ben!" Ben "FIRETRUCK!!!!!!! Hey, get it out. GET! IT! OUT!" Uncle Skywalker gets to work. The kid is pissed, so I give him his present from MeMe. Same problem. The kiddo karaoke machine needs batteries. By this time uncle skywalker got the firetruck ready and sirens blare whilst Mom tries to get the batteries in the karaoke. Jack's turn. We got him a huge steel (I thought this was not smart) Tonka dumptruck. He opens it and pushes it two feet then jumps in it and bangs his face on a corner drawing blood almost knocking out a tooth. The kid is fine, but MeMe freaks out. MeMe opens her present from Aunt Rit, it's a foot massager. Jack manages to climb up the box. Mr. Monkey.

4:00-We take the turkey out and Skywalker starts to carve it. I go into the living room to take drink orders when "Uh, honey. Can you come in here?" I walk in the kitchen. "What?" Hubby "The turkey is still frozen in the middle." Great. We spend 30 minutes microwaving the turkey. Everyone eats. My food is a hit. But drunk people don't count for taste and the others are people who share plates with young children who slobber on stuff.

Ron got Skywalker a DVD of a hunting reality show. Yeah! 2 hours of this crap, while Kat and I chatter in the kitchen cleaning and MIL plays with the kiddos. Eventually the kids wore themselves out and passed out. MIL went to bed too. We stayed up until 1:30 playing cards with Ron and Kat.

The baby alarm went off at 7:30 and I cooked up a mean breakfast of bacon, eggs, and muffins while we tried to play Uker inbetween. It was a wonderful time with the kids.

Of course there are many things that Jiminey will not allow me to say...

Nice move by Skywalker to fake sickness to avoid the company party.

Yeah that was ingenius. I'm having cramps this Friday. Big ole cramps.

Guess who's under a sink with a bucket right now. Hahahahaha. Guess who's pissed off at a certain somone because they put potato peels in the garbage disposal and now they are under a sink and blah blah something, something about a pee trap?

Wait, at no point did you douse your MIL with gasoline and set her ablaze? Apparently you weren't following HT hoiday recipe book.

Wow, Rit. You're a saint, as far as I'm concerned. Soon, children will be choosing their confirmation names after you.

I couldn't handle that. Just reading it made me want to drink. A lot.

My full name is Rit Margaret Hart Elizabeth Meyer. Elizabeth being my confirmation name. Being Irish catholic means that I could never fit my name on the SAT/ACT scantron. St. Rit, nice ring to it.

Wow that was some weekend! Glad it all turned out good. I'm having Christmas Dinner at my house! I guess I need to start planning.

This sounds like Christmas with my In-laws...
Can't wait!