Rit's 2005 Year in Review (aka an excuse to post her wedding pics and some of other Pimps and Ho's)

Jan 1-February 18th- Finished planning my wedding or as Mr Rit likes to say "The time I was wishing the girl I asked to marry would show her face again"

February 19, 2005

First we did this. Then

We did a little of this

Then danced like this

and a whole lot of that.

February 20, 2005- We slept alot.

March-August, 2005-Lived life. But something was missing. I just didn't know it. Then one day I was looking at freekatie.net and stumbled on to

this. And this was born.

Then I met someone who hated me


Then a woman who lies



and good ole Hizzle who like to set loved ones on fire.(who had no pictures for me to use against her, but me loves her so)

There's this big ole teddy bear, the proud papa

Proud Papa



And Lucy's crazy friend



Last, but not least the sweet angelic face of this lovely creature



And then I found the rest of my links and stalk you all and you stalk me. It's kinda like a back stratching thing. Um...

We've laughed, we've cried, we've brought shame to our parents, we've called each other names and made dirty films about each other.

Thank you, 2005, for introducing me to some of the sickest SOBs in the world. I never knew there were so many like me. I truely love you all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

In my fastpaced, exciting life you must keep weekend partying changing so it stays fresh and new. This is what Sodd and Mr. Rit (I'm lazy and typing Skywalker is starting to annoy me) decided whilst yours truely lay on the couch deathly ill last week. So last night we are watching Supernatural, which by the way those guys are smoking. The episode was set in St. Louis so I'm pointing out where each scene was filmed and Mr. Rit, who is NOT sick, is blowing his nose for the bizzionth time and saying "Yeah, I don't care. Rit!" He is so cranky when he is ill, and I just love to agitate people so I just keep pointing it out. Tee Hee. I make him soup and shit, back off. So when a commercial comes I ask him if I can make plans for Friday since he is too sick to go out. He responds that he is not sick and that he and Sodd decided that we all will go play Bingo tonight. Um, what? He tells me that Maryanne is already in. Excuse me? Really? This is where he gets excited "Yeah, the big prize is $1,000." I am shocked, I mean that's not chump change. I could really get him to see that buying me photoshop would be in his best interest then. Muy ha ha ha. So I say "Honey, but I don't have time to make myself a holder for all my different colored markers?" Confusion spreads across Mr. Rit's face. He and Sodd have no idea how serious this is. I am so excited, I will take pictures.

Yes he is.

I saw this earlier on A Socialites Life and thought to myself "self, should you really subject your viewers to another 'famous for no reason person' doing something fucked up?" Here's my answer people. I am doing the internet a service. Take your herpes meds or you'll itch like crazy. Or is it an eye STD that has spread to her who-ha? Whichever.

So I was on the phone with the husband while driving into work today. I called to see how he was feeling, since he IS NOT SICK! He is totally sick. I told him that one of my New Year's Resolutions will be to eat healthy. I believe this is why we are sick. Not at all because everyone we know is sick, and now we have gotton it. It's because I loves me some pringels and rotel dip. (dinner last night)

What was Skywalker's response?

Skywalker-::stuffy laughter:: People always make resolutions, never a decision.
Rit-Um, ok Yoda. Kiss my ass. Guess who is making green beans and chicken for dinner tonight. Me, that's who. Decision Made. Seacrest OUT!
Skywalker-It's not even New Year's yet, decision lady. I'll believe it when I see it.
Rit- I said, Seacrest Out!
::crickets::
Skywalker-What does that even mean?
Rit-Later
Skywalker-Ok ::cough::
Rit-You are totally sick
Skywalker-I am not! NO I AM NOT SICK!
Rit: Outy 5000
Skywalker: what the hell is wrong with you?
Rit: Cold meds
Skywalker: Oh yeah, cause you're sick.

So, who else is gonna make some New Year's Decisions?

1. Eat healthier (not hard, just an apple a day would be heathlier)
2. Continue not smoking
3. Keep blogging

That's good so far.

In honor of Lulu's post about her white trash ex-hubby, I give you Rit's Excersion into the world of White Trash.

The year was 2000, the place was the apartment Skywalker and I were about to move into. We both worked for this company and we were friends with the owners. They had just promoted me to property manager and said, "Hey we have a place that just opened up in such and such, you should move in. We are rehabing them and we would give it to you under going price." Hell yeah we will. We never went to look at it and Skywalker is from a little bitty town up north and I grew up in richy richy land and had no idea what lay beyond the west county borders. We drive and drive with our stuff a packed in tight. We pass this store called Dirt Cheap and cops, ambulance, firetrucks are swarming it. We turn onto our street just beyond the Dirt Cheap and as we pull up the street we see a bunch of ganster looking people hanging out on the porch of the duplex connected to our new home. We pull in the drive and step out of the truck. All eyes are on us. I hear an airplane fly by over head. I whisper to Skywalker "Hey, are we actually that close to the fucking airport!?" Skywalker "um, I guess." Me "We are going to die here." Skywalker "Stop being so dramatic." A voice from the porch "Hey fine thang. You moving your sweet ass in?" I stare at the ground wishing it would swallow me whole. Skywalker "What the fuck! Do you not see me standing here with my girlfriend? Don't you ever talk to her like that again." My life flashes before my eyes.

Out of nowhere I hear a woman's voice. "Hey you f*ers, leave em' alone." Walking towards me is a woman...I think. She has a mullet, missing teeth, a two year old on one hip and a beer in the other hand. It's 10:30 am. I mean, my people at least have the decency to hide the fact that they are drinking at 10:30 am. "Hi, I'm Bunny and this here is Tammy. We live two places down. I was just talking to my husband Clyde and we are so glad that yous are white. We need us some more whites on the street." My mouth drops open and I just stare at her. The "gangsters" about pissed themselves when they saw my horrified face. She never did seem to understand that I was offended by what she said.

Long story short, all the "coloreds" as Bunny likes to say were nice to us except the folks who ran the crack house across the street. It would seem that they didn't like the property manager living that close to their operation. But I saw alot. They invited us to go swimming one day, which intailed sitting in their kiddy pool and drinking Dirt Cheap beer. One day Bunny came over and knocked on our door. I made the mistake of answering it. "Hey, does your man know how to set up an air purifurer (pronounced fur)? We got one off the sidwalk. Tammy's been gettin her a smokers cough and we thought puttin this in hers room would help." Me "What? Your two year old smokes!?" Bunny "Ha ha, yous funny. It's from all the smoking me and Clyde do."

We got out of the lease 1 month after we moved in. We found out that the reason all the cops were outside of the Dirt Cheap the day we moved in was because all the employees were shot and killed. Gang related crime. Those happened alot out there.

Why did you turn your comments off?

Love,
Rit

That is what number this post is. It's my 191st post. Yep, that's all I got. Well that and my mom just called.

Mom: Hey Rit, how are you feeling?
Rit: H-silence-y m-squeak.
Mom: Oh, honey you sound like shit. Well, hey I can hear you now that's good, right?
Rit: Ye-squeak.
Mom: Your dad has laryngitis now too and he totally blames you. He said if you wouldn't have stayed over until 2am on christmas playing texas hold 'em he wouldn't be sick.
Rit: H-silence-y, may-squeak-e if h-silence did-squeak-t get dr-squeak-nk...whimper.
Mom: Stop trying to talk. I told him that he was already getting sick and that all that beer on christmas didn't help matters. He's just kidding, but when you come by he's gonna blame you. Ha ha, not that he can talk or anything. Do you want to go shopping or something? Hey, we could go see the Producers and go to Nordstroms!
Rit: Ye-squeak.
Mom: Be over here at 4 tonight.

I am really sick of being sick. All the cold meds have interupted my brain's normal functions and don't get me started on this whole not being able to communicate with words shit either. Here's to praying I will come up with something better for my 192nd post.

Sweatin' to the Ball Sack, Simmons newest exercise craze. See how much people enjoy it!

or as my people say...Merry Christmas!

I have gotten sicker and sicker by the day, and now I have lost my voice. I am going to the Docter tomorrow. Christmas Eve was fun, but I couldn't talk. This made me sad, however my family is full of some funny S.O.B's. My uncle polled my family about whether they promote the "war on Christmas" by saying Happy Holidays or do they just suck it up and say Merry Christmas. 20 out of 21 members of my family said to screw political correctness, that's just not for us. The one PC person was a drunk aunt who's stint in rehab 10 months ago apparently was just for a 30 day rest from work, and she married into the family so we are debating as to whether this counts towards our numbers. We ate our own weight in food, opened tons of presents, went on the annual "we need more alcohol" beer run (irish catholics loves them some christmas drinking), watched the annual Christmas episodes of South Park (a record year, my grandma only yelled "oh, that's terrible" four times), and hugged and said goodbye as if we all weren't going to be at my parents house at 1 today. Life is beautiful. Skywalker and I drove home and he said how blessed he feels to have married me, to be apart of this wonderful family, and for all the friends we have to which I teared up and nodded. This no voice thing sure has made him a happy man.

I love you all, Merry Christmas!

I woke up this morning even sicker. This sucks! Sick on Christmas, oh the horror. Now Skywalker said he made plans with Sodd and they are going out today at 10. Last night we were going to do something fun today. I believe it is because I am sicker. He is mean and I hate him.

This moment brought to you by Creepy Mother Daughter Photos, If I squish the Hell out of my Boobs Maybe People will Think I Have Some and Your 15 Minutes Are Up!

Skywalker is off work to, and we just got back from a trip to Blockbuster, McDonald's and Walgreens. I wanted a crossandwich from Jack n' the Box, but apparently with all of the nothing we have to do today, Skywalker said we had to go to McDonalds because it is closer to the other 2 places and he would only have to make right turns. Um, ok. Boys are silly.

This makes me not hate her so much. No makeup, not too good. Thanks Eva for letting us mere mortals not feel like the hunchback.

Look at me movie

Not because I just gave her insider information or made her my bitch. No sir. Here is an example of a thank you card some people received as a result of giving me a present on my wedding day:

Dear Person who thought I was beautiful,

We so happy that you were able to help us celebrate our wedding. Thank you so much for the cookie sheets and mixer, it will help me in my quest to dethrone Martha Stewart as The Domestic Goddess. Without the jail time of course.

Love,
Rit and Skywalker Meyer

Well my friends, let the dethroning begin! Here is my kitchen table. What is covering it?


Only these delicious confections. We made chocolate covered pretzels, covered in m & m's, christmas tree sprinkles, crushed oreos, dipped them in carmel & chocolate and cover them in pecans...that's all. Oh, then we are going to put them into hand decorated coffee mugs. Tomorrow I am going to see what kind of craft I can fashion from something from my backyard. You know I got the mad skills.

**was an actual sample of a RitMeyer Wedding Thank you

I'm at home, and fucking posting. Right the hell on! Shit, Maryanne just knocked on the door. It's Martha time. Oh, I'll be back bitches...

The Psychiatry: Industry of Death museum opened December 17 by the aliens who brought you TomKat.

Hollywood Scientologists turned out in force on Saturday night (Dec. 17) for the opening of the new Psychiatry: Industry of Death museum.

The museum was created by the Citizens Commission on Human Rights (CCHR), a psychiatric watchdog group founded in 1969 by the Church of Scientology.

The gala affair brought out such stars as Catherine Bell, Anne Archer, Jenna Elfman, Danny and Chris Masterson, Leah Remini, and Lisa Marie and Priscilla Presley.
While none of the stars are believed to have a medical degree, the colorful graphics and informative documentaries in the exhibits certainly seemed convincing enough for them to confidently label psychiatry a "fraud" and an "industry of death."

Actress Anne Archer delivers the startling news that at least 100,000 electroshocks are administered annually. The CCHR press release further informs that "psychiatrists kill up to 10,000 people" annually with their use of electroshock, which works out to one in ten.

Actor Danny Masterson explains that anyone who disagrees with them on the subject is "completely misinformed."

If your psychiatrist is not otherwise occupied murdering 10 percent of his electroshock patients, you still run the risk of having one of the 10 to 25 percent of psychiatrists that sexually assault their patients (unsubstantiated figures courtesy CCHR).

The American Psychiatric Association was unable to provide a comment for this story. [source]


Here is the website of the CCHR if you are totally bored. It's a wonderful read of fiction and lies if I have ever seen it.

I love shopping. I love it. I love getting people presents. I love it. I shopped until midnight last night and I am freaking tired today. This is my last day of work until sometime next week when I decide that my ass might want to work since I dropped a retarded amount of money last night. You may be asking yourself: Hey Rit, if you have all that time off before christmas why in the name of all that is holy would you have spent the night shopping? Well here is the answer, are you ready? I would like to spend my days in my slippers, PJs, hair all a mess, while blogging. Yep, I am going to be a professional blogger come Wednesday. Ok, tomorrow I have to be all Martha and make my chocolate covered prezetels and handpaint the coffee mugs they will go in, but I will blog inbetween. I believe this may tempt me to find other employment or ideally no employment. This does pose a problem since I like to do all the shopping. Wow, this post is crap. It is a total stream of conscious post. Did you ever have to write a paper like that in highschool? Ritsy tired, need more coffee...

My experience yesterday got me thinking about the last time my dad heard me cry. I thought you all might enjoy it. (The actual events, not the events causing the tears) Also, I started tearing up right before we walked down the isle and my Dad looked at me with fear in his eyes and then laughed and said the above "A league of their own" quote. Yep, he totally did. That is my trying not to cry face over there.

Two years ago my husband' father died very suddenly. It was a horrible time in our lives, especially my husband. We weren't married at the time. The memorial service was a month after he died and I am really emotionally retarded, so I hadn't cried at all about this. My parents were out of town for the weekend of the memorial and could not attend. After we spent time with his family we left. Skywalker dropped me off at my car and I was going to go back to my apartment to get changed and meet him over at his place. I got in my car and just couldn't stop thinking about how much pain Skywalker was in and how much I love my dad, how blessed I am and I just burst into tears. I'm talking makeup down my face, snot running down my nose, screaming crying. I had the overwhelming urge to tell my father I love him. I really thought hard about doing this because my Dad isn't good with crying. Or as he puts it "I don't do feelings. Suck it up, move on." or as I like to say, repress, repress, repress. But I couldn't shake it. I needed to tell him I love him even though I always tell him that. I'm five minutes from my apartment and I dial his cell.

ring, ring, ring,
Dad: Hey Rit.
Rit: sniffle and lots of me trying to actually talk "Dad" I burt into tears.
Dad: Whats wrong, where are you, do you need your mom! PAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!
Rit: hysterical "Dad..no...I...just..."burst of tears
Dad: Rit, what is wrong...oh shit today was the memorial. Do you want you mom, let me go get her. PAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM, PAM, PAAAAAMMMMM. (he screamed panic filled his voice)
Rit: "Dad..I...love..you.so..MUCH. HOLY SHIT!!!!!horns, screeching of tires, my cell goes flying
on the floorboard.
Dad: What the hell! Rit, where are you? Rit, rit?
Rit: Crap..I almost got into..an..accident. Dad, I am so lucky to...
Dad: You are driving! Put over. RIGHT NOW! Shit, uh uh uh. Where in the hell is your mother. PAAMMMMMMMMMM! my mom"what the hell is wrong with you! I'm trying to get ready." It's Rit, she's crying and...
Rit: now I'm almost pissing myself with laughter at my Dad's inability to deal with any emotion "Dad, I just called to let you know how much I love you and to hear your voice"
Dad:Oh, uh uh. Don't cry and drive, damn it!

You gotta love it. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. (ten points to the person who know what movie that is from)

Dear Uma,

Your Christmas sweater's ball placement was a serious oversight on your part. Are you going to tell me that you really had no idea that the ball on your breast didn't look like a ginormous nipple? Are you drunk? Please, tell me you are drunk. Please...
::crickets::

Whatever. Titties!
Rit

My life as I know it is over. And no, I am not being over dramatic. Not at all.

I have one single friend left. Well, ok, more than one. But not amongst my bitches. Only one left. You know how it goes, you go to 5 zillion weddings in a 4 year period of time until you have one single friend left who has 5 zillion bridesmaid dresses in her closet. This one single friend left did not bother me. I have only been married 10 freaking months and we still party like rock stars and shit. Well, almost.

My friend Lacy, who got married 3 months before me, was struck pregnant 2 months ago. She told me, we laughed, we cried, good stuff. Three of my other bitches have kids under one. So Sunday I head over to my friend Lana's and we hang out, having a wonderful time. We drink coffee, eat a bunch of her christmas cookies and then I go to get a refill on the java. When I walk back in the room I am shown a pregnancy test. There are two lines. We scream, we cry, we laugh. Oh, it was wonderful. We talked for hours and then I left. Baby showers, hell yeah I throwing some. Yippee! Aunt Rit again. Um...

Then it hits me. I have one single friend left and I am the only married one without offspring. Wow, life sure changes. I start cying. I cry the whole way home. I call Skywalker. "Hey.(sniffle, sniffle) " Skywalker "Whats wrong! What Happened!" I don't cry much, so he is pretty freaked out. "Lana..and Chris are...pregnant, (I sound like a two year old, it took me about 2 mintues to get this out) and everyone is...and...I don't know..cry,cry,cry..everything is... changing...no more late nights...party...cry,cry,cry, harder crying...adult we are adults...cry, cry, cry" Skywalker "Um, uh uh, I love you?" Yes, he said it like a question. Maybe if I cried more he would know what to do. "cry, cry, cry..I love..you..too, hard ass crying..what's wrong with me?.." Skywalker "uh, I don't know. When are you going to be home? Do you want me to get dinner or something. Ice Cream?" Me "I'm 10 minutes...away..cry, cry,cry..ice cream sounds..good...pizza too...cry,cry,cry..It's all gonna change, honey!" Skywalker "uh, ok,uh, uh, see you soon."

So then I did what any self respecting 28 year old woman does. I called my Mommy.

Mom: Hello
Rit: cry, cry, cry..Mom it's..Rit.
Mom: Rit, whats wrong?
Rit: Cry, cry, cry..Uh, Lana's pregnant..isn't that...great! But..uh it makes me realise that my..life..is changing..cry,cry..and everything is different..cry,cry..be in charge of another..life..cry,cry.
Mom: Take a deep breath. Try to settle down, honey. Yes, you guys are all grown up and starting your own families and that's really scary.
Rit: Hard crying, I know..that's why I'm freaked out..Lana and I aren't in the..6th grade anymore..cry,cry..she will have to take care..of a little..person. One day...I will..too. cry,cry.
Mom: Honey, just cry it out? I can hear my dad who like Skywalker is excellent with crying woman, "Where is she, is she driving? Tell her to pull over." Then my mom, "BOB! Shut up, she's upset. Lana and Chris are pregnant, Lacy's pregnant and she's freaking out because she is an adult. My dad "Wouldn't she have to start acting like one. I mean, she's on the phone with you crying. Seriously, is she driving." The only other time I cried infront of my dad was after Skywalker's dad died. After the memorial when I was driving to my apartment I got super greatful that my dad was still alive and I needed to talk to him. I called him hysterical to tell him I loved him. I almost got into an accident and apparently he is worried the same will happen. My mom "You know what, It's your fault she gets like this and only cries once every three years. Maybe if you didn't stuff all your feelings..." My dad "ask her if she's driving." My mom "fine, damn it. Rit are you driving?"
Rit: Um, no? (By this point I am no longer crying, but I am still driving)
Mom: No, she's not driving (to my dad) Rit, are you ok because you don't sound so upset anymore.
Rit: Yes, I'm ok. I can always count on your disfunction to help me out. Hey, how did operation lie to you children about going out of town go?
Mom: So far, so good. Are we still on for Christmas shopping tomorrow night?
Rit: Yep, thanks mom. I pretty much lost it there for a bit. Man, I hate crying.
Mom: No problem. You get that from you repressed father. And who are you talking to? I got married at 20, had you at 22 and everytime your Dad left the house during your first month on earth, I would beg him not to leave me alone with you. I understand the fear of having to grow up and be responsible for another human being.
Rit: Um, thanks? I think? Love ya.
Mom: Love you too.

I got home, ate pizza, and accepted that I am an adult who's friends are all having children and that I will eventually have to take care of a my own little person. Then we went to the mall and played virtual car races for the rest of the day and I puked. Being grown up sure is fun.

This is what will happen. Remember, I have the shine.

Little Zahara looks like she works with Popo and Jewels.

[source]

So, I just got off the phone with my Mommy. She had called me three times since 7:30 this morning, so when I saw the three missed calls I thought...shit, who's dead? OH MY GAWD! I immediately call her back.
Rit: Mom, what's wrong.
Mom: I have a question for you.
Rit: Um, ok.
Mom: So, the Smith's bought a condo at the Lake of the Ozarks and the Gourmet Dinner club (my parents have so many damn friends in order to tell stories and stuff they named the groups. Gourmet Dinner Club-the priest that married us cooks them all Gourmet food and they get wasted off the wine, The Confederate States of East Royal Court-where we grew up, Chicago Group-they go to Chicago every year with these people for the Cubs vs Cardinals game, Ozark Group-they go to the Lake every year over Valentines Day) is going there this weekend.
Rit: Cool, can I come? I want someone to cook me stuff.
Mom: Rit, seriously listen. So, um, this is probably bad but I need your opinion. We are leaving Saturday morning and coming back Sunday afternoon. And, uh, I was thinking of not telling your brothers we are going out of town.
Rit: Like, just leaving.
Mom: Yes. Just leaving and not telling them.
Rit: Won't Sam (17 year old) wonder where you are at midnight when he stumbles in drunk? I think he'll notice no yelling and screaming.
Mom: Shut up. Here's what I was thinking. Mike (20) sleeps until 2 or 3 in the afternoon and Sam is working Saturday, so I'll call them around 5 and say we are Christmas shopping and will be home soon. Then, I will have your Dad call around 8 and say we are out to dinner with the Ryners. You think it will work?
Rit: All I do know is you are setting an excellent example.
Mom: Hey, I learned all this devious crap from you.
Rit: Young Daniel san, you are ready.
Mom: I just don't want to deal with this shit this weekend. After the last time, you and Skywalker won't watch them anymore.
Rit: Well I just don't enjoy drunk teenager, cops, and broken $2000 doors. Call me crazy. Also, it is hard for us to dump out good alcohol. But, dumping out Mike's flask and filling it with water, and getting that phone call did make the whole evening worth it. hahahaha
Mom: Yeah, after that not even your Grandma will watch them.
Rit: Oh, I taught them so well.
Mom: Good idea, reminding me of that so close to when Santa comes. Do you want me to call him.
Rit: NOOOOOOOOO! I'll be good, Mommy.
Mom: Don't patranize me. Seriously, do you think we can pull it off?
Rit: How are you going to explain not sleeping at home?
Mom: Uh, we could just call and tell them we are spending the night at the Jones's house.
Rit: Mom, are you drunk?
Mom: Rit!
Rit: Smoking the pot?
Mom: Rit, come on.
Rit: I see some flaws in your plan. Last time I checked you and Dad have never spent the night out at a friend's house. Also, if your goal is to avoid the two shmucks throwing a party why would you tell them you are spending the night out?
Mom: I'd call them at 1 in the morning. (with an excited sounding voice)
Rit: You are right, they could never round people up for a party at 1. Never. You are like an evil genius. Hey, you and Dad will be drunk at one in the morning.
Mom: Stop it! You and Skywalker wouldn't...
Rit: Nope! Not doing it. I hate being the lame-o older sister. Why can't Lolo do it, she was the dorky one in highschool.
Mom: She's out of town, and they always outsmart her. I mean, when you were outside waiting for them when they tried to sneak out...Genius. You always know what the are going to pull. You and Skywalkers kids are screwed.
Rit: I know, it's a gift.
Mom: Yeah, a gift. (I sensed some sarcasm)
Rit: Mom, I have to go. I will work up all the lies and figure out all the flaws in your plan and call you later.
Mom: Thanks. This is kinda messed up.
Rit: Yeah, but all that shit I put you and Dad through in highschool is paying off now.
Mom: You know, it is. Love you.
Rit: Love you too, mom.

I know you all have tears in your eyes now.

I wonder when Al will tell Starr he's really gay, when Brit will realise KFed is even more white trash skank than she is, and when the aliens will tell Katie/Kate go. Joey Potter would never have been in this position...EVER! At least the Paris' already got all the publicity from their union that they wanted.

I don't like Jerry Manthly as much as the next person who managed to catch a few episodes of her Survivor, but this shit is funny.

Here's my movie, biotches. Hahahaha!

Part Uno

Part 2

PartIII

No characters are made up, and it reflects actual events.

Joel Krupnik and Mildred Castellanos decked the front of their Manhattan mansion this year with a scene that includes a knife-wielding 5-foot-tall St. Nick and a tree full of decapitated Barbie dolls. Hidden partly behind a tree, the merry old elf grasps a disembodied doll's head with fake blood streaming from its eye sockets [AP]

Wow, that's some holiday cheer if I've ever seen it.

In unrelated news, Shrinks in Manhattan show a marked increase in child clients in the past week.

My friend had a weird night. Her husband, Hans Solo, was abducted by aliens and replaced with a crazy jealous person last night. Her phone malfunctioned and isn't ringing so she had her hubbo look at it. He decided to page through her contacts, quizing her on any male name (all 4 of them) jokingly. He then sees his best friend's name, Sodd. He has had this crazy notion that they are hot for each other for 2 years. He always says he knows it is just crazy shit in his head, so he jokes about it. Right now my friend is trying to hook him up with her best friend because they both date people she hates and she would like to still hang out with her friends when they date people. She's a super giver like that. Anyway, Sodd only calls my friend when he can't get ahold of Hans Solo and he needs something. One time Sodd called Hans' phone when Hans was napping with my friend. Then my friends' phone rings and my friend said "Oh, it's Sodd he must want to talk to you real bad." Hans picks up the phone and says, "What the F are you doing calling my wife!" Hans isn't very nice when he gets up from naps. Hans apolygised later, but Sodd hasn't called my friend since and my friend had never saved his number in her phone.

This all changed the other night. Sodd called my friend desparate to use her house phone line for something he needed for work. He had to call her phone 5 times because she doesn't answer numbers she doesn't know. He couldn't get ahold of Hans. After the call my friend was like, this is stupid and saved his number in her phone.

This was the explaination she gave Hans when he quized her. My friend is very confused because Hans usually isn't the jealous crazy type, but he stormed upstairs and spent the night playing solatair on the computor and my friend needed to make a movie...ur do something for work. Hans called her this morning and said he was wrong, but plans on letting Sodd know that he shouldn't call my friend anymore. Is this F*ed up or what? I don't know what to tell her since Skywalker is not the jealous crazy type.

UPDATE: Hans called my friend and said that he is not going to tell Sodd anything. He said he is nuts. I think she is going to get a present or two out of this one. Boys are silly, Lulu.

It's that time, German Karaoke Wednesday. Babel Fish Translator.

1. Mein Vati verließ Haus, als ich drei war und er viel nicht MA und mich gerade diese alte Guitarre und eine leere Flasche Schnäpse überließ. Jetzt tadele ich ihn nicht Ursache, die er laufen läßt und sich versteckte, aber die Mittelsache, daß er überhaupt, war, bevor er verließ, er ging mich nennen "Sue." Gut muß er gedachtes O ', das durchaus ein Witz ist und sie eine Menge Lachen von ' Losen Völkern erhielt, es scheint, daß ich mein vollständiges Leben durch kämpfen mußte. Irgendeine Gallone würde kichern und ich würde Rot erhalten und irgendein guy'd Lachen und ich würden seinen Kopf, ich erklären ya sprengen, Leben sind nicht einfach für einen Jungen, der genannt wurde "Sue." Gut wuchs ich schnell auf und ich wuchs Mittel auf, meine Faust erhalten hart und mein Esprit erhalten scharf, würde ich von Stadt zu Stadt durchstreifen, um meine Schande zu verstecken. Aber ich bildete schwören zum Mond und zu den Sternen, daß ich den Honky-tonks-tonks und die Stäbe suchen und diesen Mann töten würde, der mich gab, der schrecklicher Name

2.Lieben Sie Sie kann nicht alle Weisen soviel zählen, die ich für Sie Mädchen sterben würde und aller sie sagen können, ist "er ist nicht Ihre Art" Sie erhalten müde vom puttin ' mich nie unten und ich weiß nie, wann ich komme um, was ich finden werde lasse sie nicht Ihren Verstand bilden Nicht kennen Sie Mädchen, Sie sind eine Frau gefallen bald, gekommenes Nehmen mein Handmädchen, sind Sie eine Frau, bald bald, das Sie einen Mann benötigen Ich bin für die ganze mein Leben mißverstanden worden, aber was sie sayin ' sind, Mädchen, gerechte Schnitte wie Messer "kein gutes des Jungen"

3.Regler wir regulieren jedes mögliches Diebstahl seiner Eigenschaft und wir verdammen gutes auch, aber Sie können kein geek weg von der Straße sein, erhalten, um mit dem Stahl handlich zu sein, wenn Sie wissen, was ich bedeute, Ihren Unterhalt erwerben! REGLER!!! EINFASSUNG OBEN! Es war eine freie schwarze Nacht, war ein freier weißer Mond Warren G auf den Straßen und versuchte, einige Röcke während des Vorabends zu verbrauchen, also kann ich etwas riesiger Angst gerechtes rollin in meiner Fahrt, chillin ganz allein gerechten Erfolg erhalten das Eastside des LBC auf einer Mission, die versucht, Herrn Warren G. Seen zu finden, das ein Auto, das von den Mädchen voll ist, nicht keine Notwendigkeit ist, alle zu zwicken, Sie wissen umsäumen, was oben mit 213 ist

This just in, German's hate the Hilton's and want them to die. I know that Die means the in German (Thanks, German Karaoke Wednesday), but I believe they are requesting this.
They want them to die, especially after Paris tried to shove Germany in her whoo-ha. I like German's.

with potato peels and probably the grease I always throw down the drain. So as you may or may not know, the in-laws were at la Meyer casa this weekend and I clogged our disposal. So I left work last night and went to dinner with my pal Maryanne. We laughed, we cried because we were laughing so hard at things I can't tell you all, we ate, she smoked, and we shopped. I get a call from our pal Todd, who Skywalker and I joke that we should claim him on our taxes cause he is always at our house and I feed him at least 3 times a week. Anyway, he needs to stop by to use our phone line to plug in some thingy real estate agents use to get into houses and my hubby isn't answering his cell. I tell him when I am getting home, and continue my shopping fun.

I pull in my driveway and there is Todd. It is 9:45. We walk in the house and I step into the kitchen "Hey, you want something to drin...WHAT THE HELL!" I hear Todd behind me. "Uhhh..." I am staring at my kitchen, with the pile of dirty dishes I couldn't put in the dishwasher, everything that was in my cabinet under the sink laying on the floor and counter tops, a saw-uh a SAW, towels with black crud on them, and the sink full of black chemicaly water that smells like ass. No not as good a ass smells, a dead putrified body that has been in the trunk of a car for 3 weeks in August type of scent. "Oh. My. Gawd. What in the. Why is. What?" Todd looks at me, "No, he did what he should have done." Me "So an actual plummer did this? You know, the plummer that he should have called instead of sawing something and making my house smell like rotting flesh." Todd "Um, no." He looks down at the ground. I shake my head, knowing his involvement in this was 50/50. Seriously, these two smart men get together and apparently don't have a brain between them. "Todd, do you want to eat this week. Cause I'll need the use of my sink." Good thing they look like this.

So this one will be a special top ten limited edition.

1. I love christmas music. LOVE IT! I have 50-60 holiday CDs and play them from midnight on Thansgiving to midnight on December 31. In the car, in my house, work, everwhere. My Ipod has all christmas all day long. My husband was ready to kill me the day after the day after Thanksgiving. Every morning when I was growing up, my mom would blare christmas music and wake us up by singing it at the top of her lungs and coming into our bedrooms. Nothing says I love you better than a little wake up call "Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright hawian Christmas day!" Johnny Mathis is telling me right now that It's the most wonderful time of the Year.

2. My mom still hasn't admitted to me that there is no Santa. When I was 10 and went to her and told her that Jason T. told me there was no Santa. She told me he wasn't going to get any presents that year and will probably permantly be on the bad list. I was already suspicious because 4 years earlier I noticed that Santa's handwriting looked like my mom's. After I made that statement, the handwriting was different. Then the next year I noticed that Santa used the same wrapping paper. The following year the paper was different. Every year I try to get her to tell me. I now tell her that when I have kids, they might be totally disappointed when they get no toys on Christmas because I am still told Santa is real. To prove my point, I will not buy them presents and we will wait for Santa. One of two things will happen. Either my children will be scared for life and she will have to admitt this to me or she will break into my house with presents from Santa.

3. Every year, when the first snow happens I get all excited and go sled riding. We registered for a kickass sled when we got married. So we get all bundled up and go to a ginorous hill. We sled down it many times and then I remember that I hate being cold and I will start bitching about how cold it is and that snow has gotten up my gloves and sleeves. Whine, whine. I'm just trying to relive my childhood.

4. I can't hide when I don't like a present. Um, recently I got a present from someone and tried super super hard to look like I liked it. Skywalker said I looked like someone told me a dead baby joke while I smelled someone's shoe. Don't I get points for trying to look happy?

5. No matter how hard I try, I am always still getting presents on Christmas Eve. I love buying people presents and I work really hard to get them something they would like and is meaningful. I tried to start shopping months in advance, but I got too excited and gave them their present early and then had to buy another present. I believe it is a lost cause.

6. This might be the first Christmas that I don't sleep at my parents. I am sad. How will Santa know where I am? ::tears in Rit's eyes:: I think Skywalker enjoyed Christmas at my parents so much last year, he'll let us spend the night again. But we are married now...

7. Every year I buy Christmas cards and every year I send out like 3 cards. I get the stamps and sign them, but I hate addressing them and stuff. I have like 200 various signed christmas cards. This year I WILL do it. Yes, I will. SHUT UP!

8. Every year my Grandma has Christmas Eve. We all go to church together and then eat tons of appetizers. There are no presents anywhere. Then the kids have to go into the basement. We are down there for about 15 minutes when you hear the front door open up and Santa stomps his feet and hells "Ho ho ho. MEERRRYYYY CHRISTMAS!" Then you hear him talk to the adults. "Merry christmas little lady" "Merry Christmas Santa" blah blah. Then the adults yell "Rit, Lolo Hamburger, SANTA was HERE! Wow look at all the presents!" Then we run upstairs and look at all the presents. Oddly enough they are all the presents from all the aunts, uncles and grandma, but Santa brought them. Cool family tradition that Rit still insists on going downstairs for with the kids. I get so excited when I see all the presents. You know it.

9. I hate when a someone gives you a christmas present and you don't have one for them. You ususually don't have one for them because you aren't that good of friends. In order to avoid this ackward event, I keep wrapped presents in my car and in my house. Things like post its and a pack of pens. I really believe people give gifts just to get them, so while I am still handing you something you know I really didn't buy this with you in mind. I probably stole it from work. No, I don't do that, but you don't know that.

10. I try to guess all my presents before I open it. I usually guess them. People now go to great lengths to fake me out.

Happy Holidays!

cause I might clog your sink, burn your children, serve you frozen smoked turkey, and give your kids toys that will knock out their teeth.

Yes, it's that time people. Rit's In-law Christmas Time!

So Friday I go home early from work to start preparations for the entertaining. I get home and Skywalker is asleep on the couch. What? We need to clean (I am totally OCD, so everything is already clean but I should clean it again anyway). He is unwakable, so I start working on my own. Here is the plan. We need to clean, go to Costco, go to the regular grocery store, and be showered and ready to go to my company Holiday party by 6:30. I wake the hubbo up at 3, he is pissed. He is not to friendly after a nap, oh well, we all have our crosses to bear. But I notice he is more surly that usual. Yep, he is not feeling well. After 3 cups o' starbucks he is still unhappy and sleepy. I call and cancel our RSVP to the company pary. By 4:30, we head off to Costco. I buy the hors 'douvres, shrimp and puff pastry cheese thingys. Skywalker isn't so sick that he can't wonder around looking at tools and stuff. I buy too much as usual and find my other half playing solitare on one of the computors. I shake my head and come up with a brilliant plan. "Hey, lets get a pizza from here and call Maryanne and Todd and tell them to come over and we'll play spaids?" Skywalker "We are having 12 people over tomorrow, I don't think it's the best idea, but you do whatever.." I'm dialing the phone. They come over and we play cards until 1:15 in the morning. Fun was had, girls kicked boys asses, and I stayed up until 2:30 finishing my cleaning.

6:00 am - Alarm goes off. I jump out of bed and grab a cup o' java, and run around my house. At 7:45 Skywalker comes downstairs. Everything is done except vaccuming and moping the kitchen floor. He is mad I didn't wake him up. I wanted him to get some sleep. Awe, we are cute. So I have to run to the grocery store and pick up stuff for a salad. I decided last minute to make a salad too. Then I have to run by my office because I left my ice bucket there from my client party and then go to my parent's place to borrow a card table. It is 8:00. At 9:30 I am heading from my office to the rents and my phone rings. "Uh, honey. I was putting the new shower liner in and um, we need a new curtain rod." Me "Why? Did you break it?" Boo boo "Nope, I'm using it to clean out my ears." I have to stop by Target now and get a new rod (hahaha). 10:30 I am heading home and 'she gives me money when I'm in neeheeheed' It's Skywalker again. "Where are you!!" he's frantic. "I'm at the park." Hubby "What?! Why?!" me "I'm milking a duck." Him "Damn it, my cigs are in the truck and I need one. How close are you to being at home." Me "Well I was about 5 minutes, but I think I will drive around the block a few times." Skywalker "Rit Margaret Meyer!" I now know I am in super big trouble and I've been standing outside our condo, so I open the door holding his smokes and he looks at me all lovingly and lites up as quickly as possible.

Noon-My sister-in-law Kat and her husband Ron and the two most adorable children in the world call. They are lost. I can hear veggi tales and my 1 year old nephew Jack screaming in the backround and his older 4 year old brother Ben saying "Wow mom, he's mad." Dang, kids seem fun after 5 hours in a car. This is when I find out that my other SIL has decided she will not be attending the christmas festivities due to personal reasons I can't devulge. Kat, none to pleased with the situation. Directions are given and I get back to pealing the potatos. Shit, I need a shower. Skywalker offers to finish peeling so I can get all made up. He asks if it is ok to be putting the peels down the drain. I tell him yes. He looks worried. I tell him it is fine. I get all clean, make up on, and my hair did when I hear cussing. It seems that the potato peels have clogged our sink. Whoops. Off my hubby heads to the store to get drano, candy, and a gift certificate for his grandma.

12:45-Kat, Ron and the two adorables get here. Ben is blind, so he starts checking out the place. Kat & Ron unload the car, so Ben & Jack hang with me. "Aunt Rit, what is this?" he asks about everything he touches. In 10 minutes he has the layout of our first floor down. The kid is amazing. Oh and brilliant. He is four and can already spell stuff. "Aunt Rit. Rit. Rit starts with R. Ben starts with B. Microwave starts with M." I scoup him up and declare him the smartest boy in the world as Jack looks over at me from across the room laughs and pulls my lamp on the floor shattering the bulb. I run over and pick him up and put him in the living room and sweep up the glass. I hear a little screech. I run in the living room to watch Jack dipping his hand in my candles wax. I grab him in one arm, blow out my candles, set him down in a chair and proceed to move all my candles. Ben continues asking what everything is. It isn't until 2 hours later I catch on that he knows what everything is, he is just asking to ask. I get the candles moved and walk in to see Jack pulling off my ornaments from the tree and throwing them at his brother. I quickly realise that my house is not even 1 % kid proof. Kat and I spend 20 minutes proofing the house. She says "So, are you going to start having kids now or what?" all weekend she looks at me and laughs a little. She and her husband are awesome.

1:15-Hubby returns and starts to work on the drain after he runs around with the kiddos for a bit. I set out the appetizers and wait. Turkey in oven, check. Potatos peeled and ready to be boiled, check. Veggies, check. Salad stuff ready to be mixed, check. Rolls, check. Pie, check. People who were supposed to be here at 1pm. Not check.

2:45- In comes grandma, Aunt Vodka, Uncle Blah, cousin Greg, and cousin Pat (like It's Pat from SNL, seriously). Sink, totally still clogged. 5 minutes later, in walks the mother-in-law. Jack keeps running from the family room into the kitchen and once he hits the kitchen tile...splat! The kid just rolls over, gets up, and continues running into the kitchen. I am starting to boil the potatos and hear nothing...silence. Not good. I look over just in time to see that Jack has climbed up on one of my kitchen stools and has his hand in one of my candles. He sees me seeing him. He quickly picks up all the napkins and throws them off the counter. I laugh my ass off and grab him off the counter and shower him with kisses. I'm screwed as a parent. I find all the f*ed up shit they do hysterical. I set him down and off he goes.

3:30-Dinner will be ready in 30 minutes so someone says something about presents. Ben starts flipping out. "Presents, Toys, Presents, Toys, Presents, Toys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jack makes a break for the stairs for he 100th time and I caught him on step 2. Skywalker places the present from Aunt Rit & Uncle Skywalker infront of him. He attacks that present, eyes huge, smile ginorous. "What is it, what its it. Aunt Rit! What is it!" It was in plastic so he couldn't tell from feeling it. "It's a firetruck Ben!" Ben "FIRETRUCK!!!!!!! Hey, get it out. GET! IT! OUT!" Uncle Skywalker gets to work. The kid is pissed, so I give him his present from MeMe. Same problem. The kiddo karaoke machine needs batteries. By this time uncle skywalker got the firetruck ready and sirens blare whilst Mom tries to get the batteries in the karaoke. Jack's turn. We got him a huge steel (I thought this was not smart) Tonka dumptruck. He opens it and pushes it two feet then jumps in it and bangs his face on a corner drawing blood almost knocking out a tooth. The kid is fine, but MeMe freaks out. MeMe opens her present from Aunt Rit, it's a foot massager. Jack manages to climb up the box. Mr. Monkey.

4:00-We take the turkey out and Skywalker starts to carve it. I go into the living room to take drink orders when "Uh, honey. Can you come in here?" I walk in the kitchen. "What?" Hubby "The turkey is still frozen in the middle." Great. We spend 30 minutes microwaving the turkey. Everyone eats. My food is a hit. But drunk people don't count for taste and the others are people who share plates with young children who slobber on stuff.

Ron got Skywalker a DVD of a hunting reality show. Yeah! 2 hours of this crap, while Kat and I chatter in the kitchen cleaning and MIL plays with the kiddos. Eventually the kids wore themselves out and passed out. MIL went to bed too. We stayed up until 1:30 playing cards with Ron and Kat.

The baby alarm went off at 7:30 and I cooked up a mean breakfast of bacon, eggs, and muffins while we tried to play Uker inbetween. It was a wonderful time with the kids.

Of course there are many things that Jiminey will not allow me to say...

Hey, it's Rit. Remember me? I know that you put me on the permanant bad list after the whole knowing who defiled that holy statue thing and keeping my mouth shut thus making the nuns cry and threaten half the school, knowing who called in the bomb threats, raffeling off that bottle of voda for the charity week my junior year, the drunken antics... you know what you probably remember all that so I'm gonna shut up. But I've been super good this year. I haven't lied, opps. Ok I lied. I have been a super obediant wife, shit. Um, I sent out all my wedding thank yous, crap. I'm putting the last ten in the mail now. RIGHT NOW. I have been nice to everyone, um um who I like. That counts, right? How about being punctual? I mean, not for work but for everything else. Wait, thanksgiving doesn't count does it?

Well here is my list anyway.

A pink is the new blog T-Shirt, one of each color and women's med or large.


A satellite radio and subscription to Sirius. This all must be done by Dec 16th. Howard Stern moves to satellite the next day and Trent is taking the t-shirts of the market.

I promise to be really, really good. I might get knocked up one of these days and people say that makes you a better person, so you should consider putting me on the nice list this year. Please Santa.

Love,

Rit Meyer (formally Hamburger, look someone married me. I can't be that bad)

What? You think it is too early for Christmas? Um, me too. But my husbands family is all staying the weekend at la casa day RitSkywalker for their holiday cheer. Usually it is held at his Grandma's, but she moved into a senior dorm (that's what she calls it, she is so damn funny) and we all can't fit in her apartment. So what do we do, Rit to the rescue. I had the genuis idea to have it a our newlywed home. First problem, I didn't realise that his family doesn't know what a hotel is. They are all STAYING the whole weekend with us. Minus his grandma and aunt, uncle, and their two kids. In our 2 bedroom condo. Yes, it has 3 floors, but only a king bed and two twins. Yep, Rit and Skywalker are going to be sleeping on the floor in the family room. Exciting. I wonder if we will be able to do it without anyone noticing? Whatever.

I am leaving the office at noon today to go shopping and clean the house. I am cooking a ginormous meal and I've got all my china ready to go. Yippee. Exciting. Does someone want to come and pretend to be me for the weekend? Please? Anyone? Hello?

Who rocks the eye patch? Rit rocks it. Hells to the m*fing yeah, biotches! I know you all wish you could be this pretty.

I guess I should shave my head so Skywalker and I will have matching hair do's.

Where is the giant beer can that should be falling from the sky and crushing him right now?

Does anyone else wish the Simpson's would just go back to Texas and talk about their daughter's titties amongst a small church congregation there and leave the rest of us alone? Anyone?

Every couple in Hollywood has broken up. Oh, except Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

What the hell is going on. I know that a "marriage" in Hollywood definately earns the air quotes but what in the divorce lawyer is going on. Nicole Ritchie and DJ AM are dunzo, and I really didn't see that one coming. Heather Locklear/Ritchie Sambora, Kathy Griffith/Matt (who may be getting back together) Jessica Simpson/Nick, Valerie Bertanelli/Eddie Van Halen, the two from One Tree Hill, and others.

My real question is why the people that really should be breaking up have not. Britney Spears and Kevin "Earl" Federline.

Dear Britney,

He's trash. You're not as trashy as him. As Tammy Wynnette would say D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Love,
Rit

So I went to my eye doctor shortly after I made the post. Man, people sure get serious about your eye sight. Well, you would think I would care since my husband is diabetic and goes to the eye doctor twice a year and our nephew is blind, but I could buy something else with the $10 copay.

Whatever, so my Dr. tells me to just come in a wait and he will fit me in. I have known him forever, he is my best friend from grade school to highschool's dad. (We still are good friends, we just don't say best friend anymore, she lives in Chi Town) Yesterday was post op for cateract surgery so me and a bunch of blue-hairs spent the afternoon watching many different judge shows. I didn't know that there were so many, Judge Judy spawned a revolution didn't she.

So I waited and waited and waited. Turns out what was in my eye was goopy guck. I have an eye infection in my left eye. My Dr gave me some antibotic eye drops and said that I am contagious and I could spred it to my right eye. I ask him the first obvious question, "When my regular Dr gives me antibotics he says that that makes my birth control less effective, will this do that too?" He looks at me a bit funny, "Maybe like 1% less effective." Me "So your answer is yes." Dr. "Rit, fine, yes." I am satisfied now "You really should tell women that when you prescribe that." He stares at me, "I have video tape of you and Jen doing a wonderous rendition of CATS when you were in the 5th grade. You want that going around?" Me "You still have that? I'm coming over tonight with Skywalker."

So he did not prescribe me to wear an eye patch, but considering I can wear no makeup I have desided to rock one anyway.

Yesterday was my client holiday party at the office. This meant no blogging and that Skywalker sat on the couch watching TV wondering why there was no din din in his belly. I walk through the door at 8 pm with all sorts of goodies. Cheese, samiches, cookies, brownies, a veggie tray, and an olive tray. Martha Stewart is totally freakin' scared of me. So while munching we watch 'My name is Earl' and 'Supernatural' on the commercials. SVU comes on at 9 . We are lazily eating brownies and cookies while a little boy is thrown from a vehicle at the hospital, when I notice that I have been rubbing my eye for a while and I can tell something is in it. I go to the bathroom mirror and look. I see the offending whatever in far corner in my eye. It won't come out. I yell for Skywalker. He comes in and I contort my eye and tell him to "GET IT OUT!" Then something fun happened. My normally calm husband looks in my eye and says, "You have to go to the docter!" Me, "What, just get it out!" Skywalker, "Honey, I'm not going to be able to get it out, you NEED to go to urgent care or something." Me "No way, that's like $50 or something, just try I can't get it." Skywalker "Seriously, a doctor needs to do this." I pout and try for an hour and a half to get it out and then say fuck it and try to fall asleep. I wake up every couple of hours with my eye in pain and stuck shut from all the eye booger crusty crap. I wake up to go to work and it took me 20 minutes to get my eye open and all the crusty eye booger stuff off. I can't wear makeup, or see out of that eye cause it is constantly running and hurts. I think I am going to have to suck it up and spend the co-pay to urgent care. (I haven't been to an eye doctor in like 17 years).
This is what my swollen grody eye ball looks like:

It's that time again. Babel Fish Translator, check. Really hard songs by Rit, (please god) Check.


1. Ich kann nicht - Baby ist es kalte Außenseite, die ich, wegzugehen habe - Baby wirklich bleiben sie außerhalb dieses Abends ist gewesen -, hoffend, daß Sie in so sehr nettes fallen würden - ich hält Ihre Hände kalt ist, sie bin gerecht wie Eis meine Mutter beginnt sich zu sorgen - schön, was Ihre Hast ist, wird mein Vater den Fußboden schreiten - hören zum Kaminbrüllen, so wirklich ich besser - schön, bitte beeilen Sie sich nicht gut möglicherweise gerade eine Hälfte Getränk mehr - setze etwas Musik an hasten würde, während ich gieße

2. Ist hier die Sache, die wir aus Freunden begannen, es kühl war, aber aller es war vortäuscht Yeah, Yeah, da Sie gegangen worden sind Sie engagiert, Sie dauerten die Zeit waren nicht lang ', bis ich Sie Grube Yeah anrief, Yeah, da Sie gegangen worden sind Und alle, die Sie überhaupt hören würden, daß ich zu sagen bin, wie ich mich mit Ihnen darstelle, das alle ist, Sie mich überhaupt hören zu sagen Aber, da Sie gegangen worden sind, kann ich mich zum ersten Mal atmen bin, also, verschiebend auf, Yeah Yeah Dank Sie jetzt erhalte ich, was ich wünsche, da Sie gegangen worden sind

3. Für es gibt eine Dame, die sicher hat alles, das ist funkelt Gold und sie ein Treppenhaus kauft zum Himmel und wenn sie erhält dort sie weiß, wenn die Speicher mit einem geschlossen werden Wort, das sie erhalten kann, was sie kam Elend OH- OH- OH- OH- OH- und sie kauft ein Treppenhaus zum Himmel Es gibt ein Zeichen auf der Wand, aber sie möchte sicher sein und Sie wissen, daß manchmal Wörter zwei Bedeutungen im Baum durch den Bach dort ist ein Singvogel haben, der manchmal alle unsere Gedanken misgiven singt

I think they just saw 'But can they Sing?' before this photo shoot. Or they hate Christmas and the baby Jesus. Or they realise no one watches their show. Or someone finally told them that the boys' waxed eyebrows look like a girl's. And that the fake tans also don't help in the masculine department either. Or that some old stripper walked up to Victoria and said "we are like twins or something!"

Wondering over. Son of a...

This is what I looked like when I left my house on Saturday morning at 9 am to go to my friend's house. Minus the teardrop prison tat of course, as I had that laser removed.

So anywho, Skywalker and our friend Todd and I hop in the truck and head over to my pal Maryanne's place so Todd can get his hair did. I go so I can hang with her for a few hours while the boys help Todd's brother move some tables around for his dinner party we are attending later that evening. Here is what I look like when they come and pick me up. You should have seen all the hair on the floor! My husband, shocked.

We get to the dinner party and people are all "Rit, you look so awesome." And I'm all, "Hell yeah I do!" Then they ask what made me cut it. Here is what I tell them, "I went to Maryanne's with Todd so he could get his hair did for the party. (This is where Todd yells from across the room "I got it cut! Cut! Not DID!" and then say "Oh yeah, cut." roll my eyes and give the universal sign for crazy and mouth DID) Anyway, we hung out while the guys came over here to move tables and stuff so I hung with Maryanne. We got bored, so we cut my hair." This is where the horrified girl with long hair that I am talking to, grabs her hair and says "You, mean, uh, you just cut your hair because you were BORED? Wait, you were bored with your hair, right?" Me "Nope, just bored in general. There was nothing on TV and we had walked around the Loop, but it was so freaking cold out so we thought we'd just hack it off. SNIP!" Every girl there thinks I'm crazy, which doesn't bother me. I'm not friends with any of them, my nose bleeds from those altitudes.

Last night Maryanne, Todd, Skywalker and I played spaids for 7 hours. The girls kicked the boys asses!!! Kicked. It's because I got my hair did. I know it. Oh, and that girls are way smarter than boys. Um, also maybe because I kept saying to Todd, "Aren't you glad we got our hair did the other day? I think it really made us look super cool at your brother's dinner party."

Dear Lindsey,

I was just writing to tell you that of all the things I don't like about your outfit at the GQ Man of the Year event, I was especially curious about your heals. Why did you go and do something like that? Where is your red hair and your boobs? I have enclosed a burger, cheese fries, your old bra, Nice and Easy's Sassy Red, and the stripper's phone # cause she's pissed you stole her shoes.

Kisses and hugs,

Rit

I was over at the beautiful Beebers blog and saw this link->Laguna Hook Up. Wow, a whole blog for Laguna Gossip. I'm in heaven and possibly exaggerating a smidge about the whole "this is the greatest thing ever". It's the greatest thing ever infinity.

The only couple to rival Rit and Skywalker's love for all things Starbucks, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner welcomed their baby girl into the world. Thank god, since she was starting to look like she could burst at any moment. Little Violet Affleck came into the...what the shit. Why in all that is holy would you do that to someone you loved? It sounds like you are saying Violent Attack. When Jason Lee's kid Pilot Inspektor can make fun of your name, your fucked!

For those of you who saw my post yesterday about my "friend", as you all guessed it was me. I went home and my tummy hurt...all night. I wondered if I ate anything weird, but since I'm on a diet and I pretty much only eat lettuse I was still perplexed. I got to work today and it still felt weird. All of a sudden it hit me. It was Jiminy Cricket singin' around in there. If the people in the story ever found la blog and read that, it would hurt them and someone else I love very much. The chances of them finding it are slim to none, since only Skywalker knows about la blog and he doesn't read very much anymore, but still. I pulled the post. It's gone. Tummy all better. See ya Jiminy, I let my conscience be my guide!

I am thankful that what I do for a living doesn't require me to wear this. Oh, and that I am not on cocaine.

I am thankful that I don't walk out of the house looking like this while thinking I'm hot. Cause if I did...I would be wrong.

I am thankful that I am not going to die from the slow suicide that is The Marlborl Love. I do miss you sometimes though.

I am thankful that no one takes pictures of me while I'm getting a pedi and then publishes them in a magazine. I am also thankful that they do take pictures of Liv Tyler getting a pedi and publish them in a magazine so I can see it.

I am Thankful that Tom Cruise is still so bat shit nuts that he thinks telling the world that he bought a sonogram machine and plans to take many pictures of his xenufetus, is just fine. And well within his experience with medical procedures. Along with his psychatric experience. Didn't he get a new publisist?

I am thankful that I am not married to him. Or one of his baby mammas. Or ever put myself in a position to possible become one of his baby mammas. I have never heard and said baby mammas so much in one week in my whole life.

I am thankful for many other things, like health, my family, my friends, my blog friends and such. But what fun is that...

Oh, I am also thankful that Tinapopo gets all the good Laguna Beach gossip.