So, I just got off the phone with my Mommy. She had called me three times since 7:30 this morning, so when I saw the three missed calls I thought...shit, who's dead? OH MY GAWD! I immediately call her back.
Rit: Mom, what's wrong.
Mom: I have a question for you.
Rit: Um, ok.
Mom: So, the Smith's bought a condo at the Lake of the Ozarks and the Gourmet Dinner club (my parents have so many damn friends in order to tell stories and stuff they named the groups. Gourmet Dinner Club-the priest that married us cooks them all Gourmet food and they get wasted off the wine, The Confederate States of East Royal Court-where we grew up, Chicago Group-they go to Chicago every year with these people for the Cubs vs Cardinals game, Ozark Group-they go to the Lake every year over Valentines Day) is going there this weekend.
Rit: Cool, can I come? I want someone to cook me stuff.
Mom: Rit, seriously listen. So, um, this is probably bad but I need your opinion. We are leaving Saturday morning and coming back Sunday afternoon. And, uh, I was thinking of not telling your brothers we are going out of town.
Rit: Like, just leaving.
Mom: Yes. Just leaving and not telling them.
Rit: Won't Sam (17 year old) wonder where you are at midnight when he stumbles in drunk? I think he'll notice no yelling and screaming.
Mom: Shut up. Here's what I was thinking. Mike (20) sleeps until 2 or 3 in the afternoon and Sam is working Saturday, so I'll call them around 5 and say we are Christmas shopping and will be home soon. Then, I will have your Dad call around 8 and say we are out to dinner with the Ryners. You think it will work?
Rit: All I do know is you are setting an excellent example.
Mom: Hey, I learned all this devious crap from you.
Rit: Young Daniel san, you are ready.
Mom: I just don't want to deal with this shit this weekend. After the last time, you and Skywalker won't watch them anymore.
Rit: Well I just don't enjoy drunk teenager, cops, and broken $2000 doors. Call me crazy. Also, it is hard for us to dump out good alcohol. But, dumping out Mike's flask and filling it with water, and getting that phone call did make the whole evening worth it. hahahaha
Mom: Yeah, after that not even your Grandma will watch them.
Rit: Oh, I taught them so well.
Mom: Good idea, reminding me of that so close to when Santa comes. Do you want me to call him.
Rit: NOOOOOOOOO! I'll be good, Mommy.
Mom: Don't patranize me. Seriously, do you think we can pull it off?
Rit: How are you going to explain not sleeping at home?
Mom: Uh, we could just call and tell them we are spending the night at the Jones's house.
Rit: Mom, are you drunk?
Mom: Rit!
Rit: Smoking the pot?
Mom: Rit, come on.
Rit: I see some flaws in your plan. Last time I checked you and Dad have never spent the night out at a friend's house. Also, if your goal is to avoid the two shmucks throwing a party why would you tell them you are spending the night out?
Mom: I'd call them at 1 in the morning. (with an excited sounding voice)
Rit: You are right, they could never round people up for a party at 1. Never. You are like an evil genius. Hey, you and Dad will be drunk at one in the morning.
Mom: Stop it! You and Skywalker wouldn't...
Rit: Nope! Not doing it. I hate being the lame-o older sister. Why can't Lolo do it, she was the dorky one in highschool.
Mom: She's out of town, and they always outsmart her. I mean, when you were outside waiting for them when they tried to sneak out...Genius. You always know what the are going to pull. You and Skywalkers kids are screwed.
Rit: I know, it's a gift.
Mom: Yeah, a gift. (I sensed some sarcasm)
Rit: Mom, I have to go. I will work up all the lies and figure out all the flaws in your plan and call you later.
Mom: Thanks. This is kinda messed up.
Rit: Yeah, but all that shit I put you and Dad through in highschool is paying off now.
Mom: You know, it is. Love you.
Rit: Love you too, mom.

I know you all have tears in your eyes now.

Maybe you're mom and dad could put pillows and doll heads in their beds to trick your brother. I'm mean, he's gonna be super drunk, maybe he won't notice?

Can't they arrange a sleepover for him at one of his chaperoned friends. This brother is my kind of sibling. Little hellraiser!

This story brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful.

Jewels, it's "your" not "you're." Jesus.

Yes, he is my very own mini-me. Actually the 20 year old is just the same. My sister was the only "good" one. Or as my brothers and I say, the "loser". Or as my parents say "the favorite".

Hey Popo,

You know that little Microsoft Paper Clip Icon in Word. Your moore annoing. Bite it Popo!

Rit, I'm an only child and I'm still not the favorite. Whenever one of those save the children commercials come on my mom says, "we should have adopted a child that would have appreciated us" then I refill her drink and she passes out.

My dad uses the phrase "Do not pull a Rit, Dumbass" right before one of my brothers leaves the house.

During Mike's first semester at school he was pledging his frat, my Dad was all "He is going to pull a Rit, I know it. I'll cut his ass off. !" I think it is especially more fun to say in front of me.

Pull a Rit. That's what Popo says if one of the new girls cries during a trick.

Zing!

I guess I asked for that abuse.

Which is what your johns tell you, right?

I actually thought it was a zing on Popo. I guess I don't read my own crap too carefully. I was gonna treat you nice today after the "other" thing.

See, not even gonna speak it.

If you think Matt Damon is hawt, then yes.

Don't think that didn't F up me and my sister when we figured that out.

Well, he must do nicely with the ladies. does he have an affleck-like sidekick? I could let my stache grow out andd be the sidekick if he'd like.

Zing!

hey?

Isn't it weird how your parents invite you into their weird fucked up world once you get old enough?

Mine did the same thing.

At least that's what I tell myself as I'm turning tricks. Zing!!

Wait...

That sucks. My mom says she can wait, but then again we have only been married for 10 months.

Damn, I can't believe I missed all this. That's what you get for trying to actually work at work.

Jewels, I think it's nice they let you out of the special school long enough to blog.

Rit, my sister was the "good one" until last year when she announced that she's pagan, and became a witch. In my minister father's eyes, I could pretty much do anything and look like a saint. It's beautiful.

Damn, I wish my brothers or sister would become a witch. My catholic parents would freak.

Kidding, I'm good now.