Nothing scares me more than evil children! I can't drive past a corn field without totally freaking out.

Food that was Grody when I was little
Pie
Salads with fruit in them
Nutter Butters (actually I ate one everyday. Then in the 5th grade I had a dream that a Nutter Butter was trying to kill me. The next day I had one and it tasted bad, real bad)

I tried all of these on Friday night when I was out with Molly
Apple Pie, freakin' awesome!
I still HATE salads with fruit in them. Salad=savory, not sweet
I love nutter butters. They are yummy, I just hope they don't try to take me out again.

Molly and I also decided to saran wrap a friend's car. Since we are very Christmas-y people, we bought red and green saran wrap, and wraped the hell out of the car. Then we parked 200 feet away where we could see the car and waited until he came out. Ha, ha. It was awsome. It took him 10 minutes to unwrap his "present". Next weekend we will probably tee pee someone. Yep. So I believe the addendum to my food mission is to do something incredibly immature right after I try several grody foods.

I ordered lunch from my favorite deli. Turkey on wheat with a side of fruit salad. Yummy for my tummy. I love food, so lunch is an exciting time for me. I pick it up along with their famous sweet tea and hurry back to the office. I unpack my lunch and sit down with US magazine. WHAT!!!! Where is my fruit salad, why is there cole slaw! I hate cole slaw! I haven't eaten any since I discovered I hated it the first time I tried it when I was 5 years old. I pout and contemplate going back and demanding my fruit salad, but it was 12:45 pm and I'm damn hungry. I eat my sam-ich and I'm still hungry. Shit. More pouting. Out of the corner of my eye I see the grow-dee cole slaw. Huh, I wonder if I hold my nose and eat it will I taste it? I open the container and smell it. Not a terrible smell, actually a good smell. Huh? I take my fork and put a teeny tiny bit of the slaw on my fork. I raise it to my mouth. I pause, I am really this lazy that I will eat something that tastes like ass to avoid leaving the office again? I answer myself as the slaw goes in the hatch. I tried to swallow it fast to avoid tasting it. This did not work. But to my surprise, it was SO very tasty!

I have now decided that my mission for the next week is to try everything that I deamed grow-dee as a kid. Oh, except for peas. I still will hate peas. Just on principle. I will be giving you all the run down of "Foods little teeny Rit thought were Grow-dee".

Little Rit says Yucky
-Cole Slaw
Slightly More Mature Rit says
-Cole Slaw is Yummy

Wow, I have such important missions.

People sometimes make me wonder. I just had an experience with such a person

A wholesaler was just in the office. We are having a little office meeting and he walks in the front door. Nice guy, he really is. He says hello we all shake hands doing the buisnessy thing. He then says "How about those Cardinals." I stare at him. "What about the Cardinals?" I said. He then looks at me blankly. "We mention nothing of the Cards, nothing happened. " Then I laugh and lighten the air. He then says, "Oh, so you follow the Cards." I told him yep, and then explained the devastation of that last game and how my mom blames my Grandma for not wearing the same shirt she wore to the other games and all the wacky supersticious stuff she does and how my Dad just sits there drinking beer. He laughs, and says "Seriously, she believes that." I tell him "Yeah, but I' believe it is a combination of my Grandma and my husband who should not have watched the game at all because they only lost when he watched." Then he asked me if my husband has started drinking heavily like my Dad. Now everyone in the office is laughing at my light comic story, trust me you'd buy anything I'm selling too. People are my thing. After he made the statement that my husband needs to develop alcoholism to be with me...crickets.

Thank god my phone rang, so I walked into my office and answered it. Then I went and grabbed a diet coke and he walked by me and I offered him a drink. He then looks at me and says "Wow, you are REALLY TALL!!" mouth open, eyes all wide... more crickets. I am tall, but not freakishly tall as his shock would have indicated. Everyone in the office is staring now. I said "Are you serious, I'm tall?" with a shocked look on my face. He stammers a bit, so I say "Yeah, that's weird because my Dad is short. I wonder if it is from all the drinking?"

As you all know, because I can't stop talking about me, I will be 7 days fag free as of 10 pm this evening. Luke on the other hand, started smoking last night. He bought a whole pack.

He did the ear full of needles and now he is smoking. I am not happy. No sir. I am now thinking about telling him that I am no longer giving up something that I have given up. We need to be even. What's fair is fair. I'm thinking my choices are clear. Spending all my money on shoes, going to my family's for all holidays, kissing other boys since I can't stand the way smokers smell now much less kissing one, my last name, watching whatever I want on TV anytime, the right side of the bed, 2 cups of coffee in the morning since he only leaves enough for one cup, tae food once a week, my ban on cheesy action movie's like alien vs. predator, or a clean house with no boys clothes on the floor.

For all you Laguna fans, here you go. Casey has her own website. Click on the link and you are transported to a world of butterflies, Casey pictures, contact info to get her to model for you, and all the while you are listening to Mariah Carey's Shake it off. She has a foundation surprisingly named the C.A.S.E.Y Foundation and is coming out with "Casey's Beach" Luscious Lips Laguna Beach inspired lip gloss. This girl is in her own little world of sad. As you look through her site, you can almost here Kristen, Alex, and Jessica:

Jessica: Did you SEE Casey's web site?!
Kristen: Yeah, like she is such a hooker. Does she like, think she is going to actually get modeling jobs from a web site that like, has Mariah Carey singing? giggle, cackle, giggle
Alex: Like, Mariah is sooooo like Orange County. So not Laguna Beach.

I've got legs, I know how to use them. Lipstick Lulu has taught me a thing or two about HNT. This is my feeble attempt at trying to be sexy.

Thank you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

41-50

41. When someone uses really big words to sound smart, I just make up words while I'm talking. When they nod and respond to my point and make no mention of the nonsense I have just spoken, I secretly hate their pretencious ass. Since I'm not good at keeping secrets, I continue to make up words and make them more and more outragous. If they continue to be ignorant of my made up words, I ask them what a particular made up word means. I have actually had someone give me a definition. "Really, it means that, cause I just made that word up."

42. I hate it when men wear jean shorts. I don't know why, I just do. I will then think bad things about the jean short wearer. If my husband wore some jean shorts, I would have to think about staying with him.

43. I don't like listening to voice mail messages. I see I have X amount of messages. If my phone was on, I just look at my missed calls and call you back. Sometimes I have 20 messages from 5 days. If my phone was turned off then I have to listen to the damn messages. "Hey Rit, It's mom" erase, "Hey Rit, It's Maryanne I..." erase, "Hey Rit, It's Stacy..." erase. Then I call mom and the conversation always goes like this:
Rit: Hey, what's up lady who birthed me?
Mom: Hey, so what do you think.
Rit: About what?
Mom: You got my message, right?
Rit: Oh, I heard it was you and erased it.
Mom: Why do I even leave a message.
Rit: I don't know, I always erase them.
Then, I always forget to call one person back. Stacy was the most recent. She left a message that she was pregnant and I erased it. Then I got pissed at her for not telling me before I heard it through the grapevine. This doesn't change anything I still won't listen to my voice mail. I just turned my phone on and erased 4 messages just for the hell of it.

44. I don't like going to the bathroom. I really feel that it cuts into my fun living time. My mom says all little kids do that. They run inside from playing and about piss themselves because they didn't want to stop having fun. My mom also says that most people outgrow this, but not me. I will be shopping in the mall and wait until I have to go so bad that I have to walk a few feet and stop walk a few feet stop, so I don't pee my pants. I will hold it so long on road trips that I have had to pee on the side of the road more times than I wish to say. My pal Tim thought it was funny to joke about quiting peeing, I really wish I could.

45. I am ridiculously supersticious. I knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder, if I am sitting in a particular seat wearing a certain shirt when the cardinals win I will go wherever I was and wear the same shirt the next game. I get this from my mom who believes that the Cards lost the playoffs because my grandma watched the last game wearing a different red shirt. Can you believe that? She wore a different shirt! Grandma's getting coal for Christmas. If you say, yeah you are totally going to get that job...and then don't. You have jinxed this. I blame you and will tell you of your mistake. My sister went to school in "tornado alley" Tulsa for 4 years and not one tornado blew. We were all flying up to watch the girl graduate and Luke said, "Hey 4 years and no tornado!" My mom and I both yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He looked at my Dad like "What?"and my dad just shook his head. Low and behold a tornado forced us into the hotel basement later that evening. We blame him.

46. I never remember people's names, ever. I can remember faces I have seen for only 10 seconds 15 years ago, but I have no idea what the hell you name is. If your name is Becky, I say Ann. Jack, I say Peter. When you come up to me and say "Hey Rit, how are you doing." and you and I have been playing soccer together for a whole session, I say "Heeeyyyy, how are you doing...buddy!" Then when you say "You don't know my name do you." I say "No, I have no idea what your name is." I'm not even smart enough to be ashamed of my extreme self centeredness. If Luke and I are at a party and I don't know a person's name, I will not introduce them. Luke knows that this means I have no idea what this person's name is and he will introduce himself. At this point I am suppose to listen and remember the name. I don't.

47. I always ask my husband if I look fat in whatever outfit I am feeling fat in. I know he is not dumb enough to say yes if I do indeed look fat in the outfit, but I can't help but ask. Then after he says, No! accompanied by his horrified 'are you crazy you are like Cindy Crawford hot' look, I tell him that I can take it if he thinks that, I really just want to know. We go back and forth until it finally sinks in that his answer will never change. I then change 5 times and end up back in the "fat" outfit and we leave.

48. Evertime a friend of mine breaks up with a girlfriend they have that I did not like, I tell them how much I hated her. Oh, yes. I tell them all the things I don't like about them and how glad I am that they are not together anymore. They always get back with the girlfriend and then the guy sings like a canary. "Yes, you were right. Rit doesn't like you." After that the girl will glare at me because my little sissy-boy friend told his Bossy McBitch that I said she was a horrible girlfriend and I was glad they broke up. Every time I get ready to open my mouth a little voice tells me to wait until it has been longer that 30 minutes, because they will get back together. If I would listen to that damn voice my life would be so much easier.

49. I don't like buying cards for people. I would rather take the 2.95 that I will spend on the card and buy you gum or something. At showers when they oohh and awe over the cute card, I have to stay on the ball because when my present comes up I have to say "That's from me!" or they will be searching for a cute card that is not in the gift bad. I love the To: From: tags you can put on gifts. Greeting Card companies are the devil.

50. When I am watching an action movie and some guy jumps from a moving airplane without a parachute and he lands on a moving car with not a stratch, I can't help but point how how that could never really happen. By an hour into a movie, Skywalker is ready to kill me as I have pointed out that that bullet would too have peirced his heart and killed him, but that in the script it may have seemed probable to the writers and that once they shot the scene and saw what I just saw they should have rewrote it. I firmly believe that I also could kick almost every action hero"s ass and I constantly yell at the screen "Oh, you wuss. I could totally take you on you GIRL!" "They can pump some iron, but they have no heart!" I believe it is at these moments that Luke questions his sanity for marrying me.

Just in case you missed all the other things that are wrong with me:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

I will be in meetings all tomorrow so see you on thursday for some half nekked fun!

I'm not a Paris Hilton fan, but I did hear something about drug crazed actor Tom Sizemore claiming he slept with her. Then I heard her deny she even knew him. Today I saw this picture...priceless. Just when I thought this girl couldn't be any sluttier, she is. Gross, but one point for Tom Sizemore. The moment he got out of rehab he produced this picture. I wonder what gem she is going to tell us now. Tom 1, Paris 0.

Image from Radar

First Britney Spears and Jason Alexander, now Pink and Carey Hart. When will celebrities stop drinking Red Bull in Las Vegas and then get married!? Don't they realise the powerful punch of wedded bliss that Red Bull packs? Oh well, somehow I don't think this one will get annuled any time soon. Was her hair her something blue...

I saw this on Mad Ethel. I am still laughing. If you are a fan of President Bush, well you will laugh anyway.

Friday night I stayed in. Well, first I went to Blockbuster rented some movies and then went to pick up my order at El Maguey's. Yummy Mexican, yummy. When I pulled out at Blockbuster the young lady pulling into the parking lot and did not signal, I told her rather loudly what I thought of that behavior and proceeded to get me some mexican grub. While driving a friend of mine called. She was going on and on about something, so I just hung up on her. Yes I did. Here is the lesson I learned this weekend. When you quit smoking, let your close friends know about it, or else you may not have any left. She called back and let me have it, I then screamed at her that I quit smoking, she shut up and asked me if I needed anything. Smokers understand, I believe she lit up promptly after hearing that I was quitting.

I did not leave my couch until Saturday at 6pm. My friends were having a huge scavenger hunt party and Megan picked me up. She drove and smoked. I did not. Score one for me. I was however incredibly tired, so I juiced up on some coffee. I ate my weight in food and stared down the smokers. Oh well, I picked my team. There were 5 of us, competetive and ready to win. I chat with people, all the while downing caffeine. It's hunt time, and I am running in place.(if you have read the 100 things wrong with me installments you know I am competetive) One of my friends somehow managed to end up on our team and she has a the ability to make me want to rip her head off in team sports. She will be refered to as Bossy McBitch for the rest of the post.

We all head down to the street, it is raining a bit. We get our Hunt Rules and clues. This is going to be great. Get a tatoo, three of us fought over that. Get someone's dread lock, we did that it was crazy. By hour 2 I am wet and we did all the really big shit that would get us the most points. Bossy McBitch thinks we should go ahead and count all the parking meters up and down Delmar. I am drinking my Starbucks, just praying that she will shut up. I'm cold, wet and tired. One of the judges comes up and I asked her how many points this parking meter thing is, only 5. I then ask her how many points being the first team back gets you, 5. I'm sold, as is the rest of our team. No, Bossy McBitch thinks that we need to and sways one other person. One of the rules is that your team must not split up. Bossy starts to walk across the street to get another answer before we start the counting. My friend Susy and I are pissed. I look at the judge and tell her that if I indeed have to cross the street to join my team, Bossy McBitch is getting a nice cup o' Rit's Starbucks in the face. The judge believes me and says no points off for that. Being the crazy smoke free friend is really paying off.

We finally arrive back at the apartment. Another team is there. I am pissed now, because they only got there a few minutes ago. McBitch and I spent 5 minutes aguing about coming back until I grabbed Susy and Megan and started walking. McBitch is running after us saying "We can't split up, Rit what are you doing, we should count the meters!" I say "Fuck the meters, I need some damn cheesecake and dry clothes!" Tee Hee. So when we see the team, we glare at McBitch who says "See, I told you we should have counted the meters." I walk away and eat a peice of cheesecake. I love cheesecake.

We didn't win, even though we were the only team who got someone to get a tatoo. Other teams cheated, which McBitch had to point out. Constantly. I thought my Harley riding guy friends were going to take her out if she said one more "So and so totally cheated" while trying to get the judges to take points off for them. Good thing the judges also call her Bossy McBitch. WE cheated, we paid the manager off at Vintage Vinyl to not sign anyone else's form and got Streetside Records to give other teams the wrong anniversary date after I bought 4 CDs. We had so much fun, we even got a stranger to give us the shirt off his back. It was a bit wrong, he was like 17.

HATE! Meet Lamb and Lynx Gaede, just your average 13 year old white nationalists with one album out, another on the way and a music video. All they are saying is "We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race." Uhhhh, uhh. Muddle's a verb, not a noun.

Their dear mother, April, is only doing what any parent would do. "They need to have the background to understand why certain things are happening," said April, a stay-at-home mom who no longer lives with the twins' father. "I'm going to give them, give them my opinion just like any, any parent would." Joy of joys, the woman home schools the girls as well, which may explain the muddle situation above. Their grandfather's cattle brand is a nazi swastika. Yes, it's when I hear of wonderful heart warming stories like this that I hope one day we can stop the ability for some people to reproduce. On a side note, thanks mom and dad for not being racist assholes.

Story from ABC News

So the Dr. acupunctured us for the no smoking. He put these things with metal on our ear pressure points, told us which ones to press when we are having a craving, told us to breathe in and out deeply and have something to keep our mouthes occupied. This is what I look like today.

Oh, yeah, I have lost all ability to think and reason like a rational person. That look on my face is telling a co-worker to "Go ahead, say something about my lemonheads, DO IT!"

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. You should really check out this study they did on RadarOnline about how 2 six year old children, some monkey's and the mentally ill are smarter than 2 stoners.

The bird, so hostile. What's going on Stephen, did you learn nothing from Kate Moss. Don't do drugs around people with cameras. Flicking them off doesn't stop the button, it just makes you look stupid. Stoners are suppose to love everyone, silly.

Have Kristen and LC's Laguna antics really driven you this far...drugs Stephen? Like my favorite TV show Saved by the Bell teaches "Say Nope to Dope." Stephen just say say Nope. Oh, FYI, your really not taking much smoke in the bong. Pull harder, then take the bowl out. Jeez, you've got smoke around your head you're wasting it! Remember, say nope to dope.

Images by Pink is the New Blog

You greet me in the morning and help me start my day
Then you help me during drive time to navigate my way

We listen to the radio and you calm me in the traffic
You stop me when I want to run my car into the cut-off prick

After lunch you smile as I talk to you of my wonderful salad
Then comes the drive home and we sing an ACDC ballad

After dinner we hang out and you ask about the stress at work
Then you tuck me into bed reassuring that no A & E murders lurk

Tomorrow my old friend we will have to say goodbye
Although you are so much fun, you are causing me to die

Goodbye my sweet, sweet Marlboros! You were there the first time I got drunk, the first time I drove on my own in my parents mini-van, my first apartment, my first day of college, and you were there the day I got married. Sorry you won't see our babies, I will miss you.

Thanks to RadarOnline for this bit of knowledge. So I guess having a kid with someone you had a sham marriage with wasn't enough of a lesson in permanance for good ole' Brandy. After New York Knick Quentin Richardson proposed to the singing lady, she tatooed his face on her back. Nothing says love like a tatoo of your fiance on your back, nothing. After they split up last month, she has replaced his face with a cat. A cat. I wonder if she modeled it after babyjewels pussy, cause it's big enough. Maybe she should be getting some relationship advice from her pal Shar Jackson?

My husband is now commenting on la blog. He is not happy that Luke was taken as a username and since I call him Skywalker on here and he was not going to use boo boo kitty head, he is now SKYWALKER. Ha, Ha! Honey, it's like grade school all over.

Please disregard any unflattering comments he may make about me, regardless of what he says...I'm fabulous.

Here are my feets. As you can see, the tatoo is on my ankle. Last week there was much confusion amongst my blog buddies as to what body part I was exposing, so this week I chose to confuse no more. Wow, I am really wasting my damn money on these camera phone pictures. Berizon is really giving it to me, so maybe next week I will show me holding my ankles in the Berizon position.

I was on TinaPopo's blog and her latest post bought up a little fear I have. What if I have an ugly baby? Yes, I am aware this is shallow but I think it none the less. Heidi Klum is a freakin' supermodel and her kid is fugly! Since I have to make everthing about yours truely, what if Skywalker and I have a yoda looking mini me. We are both relatively good looking people who were remarkably cute kids if I do say so myself. I know I would still love the little rugrat, but would I feel shame? Would I even be aware of it? I have a friend who's kid should have a bag over it's head, seriously. When I first saw the little bundle of joy, I said "Holy shit!" and tried to recover by saying "Wow your kid has a lot of hair" which it didn't. Bad save Rit. They just bring her everywhere, fugly and all. They remark how beautiful she is all the time. This is what frightens me, would I know if my kid was beaten by the ugly stick?

Yes, yes she did.

You heard it here first, people. Sienna Miller is going as Tinkerbell for Halloween.

Thank you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

31-40

31. If there is a fan, I'm talking into it telling Luke "Luuuuke, I am your father!" I laugh like a hyenna. Then it reminds me of Tommy Boy and I do "fat guy in a little coat "or "house keeping you want me jerk you off?" and if someone looks at me weird I tell them to "Shut up Richard!" If we are with someone who has no idea what the hell I am doing, I will look at them with shock and disgust and promptly drive them to our house and make them watch it. If, god forbid, they haven't seen Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore they are in for a long evening.

32. My friend Maryanne and I look nothing alike, nothing. Some people confuse the two of us. Maybe it is because we used to be attached at the hip, I don't know. What we do know is we are alike in personality. This means when someone mistakes either of us, we manage at some point in the conversation to say some really inappropriate made up personal fact about "ourself" to shock the dumbass who doesn't know the difference between us.

Dumbass-Hey Maryanne
Rit- Hey Dumbass
Dumbass-How's work?
Rit-Good, how about you.
Dumbass-Good. So what have you been up to lately?
Rit- Jesus, I have been trying to get rid of a yeast infection for like 6 months and it iches like freaking crazy!
Dumbass-Uh, Uh that sucks, umm-Hey Jeff what's up (walks over to Jeff)

Then I find Maryanne and tell her what I said, we laugh like crazy. Later Dumbass comes up to Maryanne.

Dumbass-Hey Rit!
Maryanne-Hey Dumbass.
Dumbass- Where's Luke?
Maryanne- We got into a fight, so I don't give a shit.
Dumbass-That sucks.
Maryanne- Yeah, I just don't understand why he won't let me put that dildo up his ass!
Dumbass-Uhhh, Hey Jeff what's up! (runs to Jeff)
We laugh and laugh and laugh. When my husband and her boyfriend see us maniacally laughing they know, yes they do. We love messing with people.

33. Nuns still scare me. I will do everything to avoid them, cross the street, start a converstion with people I don't know, many things. I flinch when they move their hands, like at any moment they may produce a ruler and smack the back of my hand. When I see them, I straighten up, put my hands at my side, and start saying Hail Mary's and hope against hope that should they make me kneel down to see if my skirt is below my knee, that it is.

34. I love pickles. When I go out to eat with people and the food comes out with a pickle on the plate, I will ask them if they are going to eat their pickle before the plate is on the table. If you tell me no and then do not eat your pickle immediately, I will continue to ask you until you eat it or give it to me, whichever. My mom used to call me the pickle monster. Yep, that was a good day for Luke when he found that out.

35. My new favorite show is Deadwood. Skywalker and I discovered it ON DEMAND a few months ago. I never knew that the favorite word in the old west was cocksucker. I now like to mosy around calling people cocksuckers, refering to others as cocksuckers, greeting people with "How you doing, Cocksucker." My grandma smacked me in the head the other day when I greeted my 16 year old brother like that at a wake. What, not appropriate?

36. I love to download song ringtones and attach them to people. While this may seem a waste of money, time, and people patience who have to be around me when my phone rings, I can't help myself. I take great consideration as to what song goes with whom. Skywalker's is PIMP, hells yeah he is. My mom's is Pretty Woman cause she's pretty, My sister's has been Halleluhah cause her boyfriend finally asked her to marry her AFTER she moved back to St. Louis (away from Oklahoma where he lives). My super rebublican Dad is 50 cent's In da Club. My dad loves this song, boy can he break it down. When he calls I answer with "Hey shorty" then he says "It's my birthday" I then tell him that we are going to party like it's his birthday, then we talk like normal people. This friend I have is Liar by Henry Rollins. She likes to lie alot, I always call her on it. My no caller id ring is Gold Digger, and I need to change it because I dance to it and then I don't answer. Oh yeah I get down, cause "Yeah, she give me money! When I'm in neeheeheed...

37. I can't watch more than one football game in a day. While I do not consider this as being something wrong with me, Skywalker said that since I was listing things that were wrong with me this is one of them. If he wants to watch another game he must trade a reality show for said game. I love to barter.

38. I am scared of sharks. I love water sports and we go out on the Mississippi up in Louisanna MO all the time. I jump in the RIVER and strap on the wake board. I do all the fun trips around the RIVER , then I fall off. I pull my swimsuit out of my ass and grab the board watching as the boat gets smaller and starts to turn to come get me. Then I panic. I hear it Na Na. Na Na. Nanananananana. I start screaming inside my head. Then I continually remind myself I'm in a river. When the boat finally comes over all my friends know what just happened in my head. I go a few more times and get back in the boat. At some point someone mentions how a shark got in the river. "Oh can you believe it" blah blah. They do this everytime, but it still sticks in my head. I jump in the water for my last go around doing whichever water sport. I fall off, smack. Swimsuit out of ass, check. Grab wake board, check. Begin totally freaking out because you KNOW a shark has somehow swam up the Mississippi to come and eat you, check. This time they always take the long way back to get me. Bastards!

39. I don't like getting an oil change. I will go way over the suggested every 3000 miles. Then, I will go to a different place to get my oil change so the guys who did it last can't see in their little computor that it has been 6,000 miles since I changed my oil. I don't care what most people think about me, but the guys at the JiffyLube must think I take care of my car. I am running out of places to get my oil changed at.

40. I don't like making a list when I go to the grocery store, so we end up with 20 cans of tuna, more skinny cow ice cream than you can imagine, 3 cans of pickles, 2 lbs of deli lunch meat, 4 boxes of Total and no bread or milk. I get all bored looking through the pantry and refrigerator to find what we have and don't have. So when I need me some cerel, I have to run to Walgreens and get a gallon of milk for $10. Skywalker wants a sandwich? Walgreens, $5. I just wander through the grocery store, oohhhh Green Tea, ooohhhhhhh nutrigrain bars, I like lemonaide. I am not at all mindful of the fact that I have 5 cans of crytal light, 2 boxes of bars at home and I am too lazy to boil the water to make the tea.

Skywalker and I are going to quit smoking on Friday. We are going to get the acupuncture in our ear thingy to help. I made the appointment yesterday and when I hung up the phone with the doctor, I started freaking out and promptly lit up! I have been chain smoking since. I love smoking, love it love IT!! But we want to die in our sleep, not as they suck the tar out of our lungs with a shop vac. Luke and I have decided to live in dillusion and not tell anyone, so I am telling all of the internet. Hey, none of our friends know about this little bloggy so I need to vent to you. Shit, I need a smoke, I'm going outside.

Thank you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

21-30

21. My husband gets up very early for work, so he goes to sleep earlier than I do. Sometimes when I walk into the bedroom and look at my precious boo boo kitty head all quiet and sleeping, I can't help but drive bomb the bed, load him up with some rasberries, and then promptly roll over and go to sleep. For some strange reason he does not like this. I guess it is because it wakes him up. I know this as I look at him all peaceful, but the devil makes me do it.

22. If I know that you don't like me, I enjoy making you dislike me even more than you already do. I have a friend who says she tries to get people that don't like her TO like her. I don't understand where the fun is in that? Usually I don't care much for the people that don't like me, so it really works out well. For example, my friend Sarah is friends with this girl I find totally obnoxious. She is one of those nose in the air, only buys name brands so she can tell you about it, name dropping little bitches. My parents have money and I went to private schools my whole life, so girls like this are my speciality and I have made it my personal mission to deflate egos every chance I get. The night I met her she made some comment about mixed race couples and how horrible that was, especially to have a mixed baby. I looked her dead in the eye and told her my highschool boyfriend was black and we had a child together. I then watched her stammer and studder, while I gave her the evil eye. Sarah told her I was lying and then she glared at me. I started laughing asked her her if it sucks being a racist. To my shock and surprise, she told Sarah she didn't like me. Darn. Everytime luck shines upon Rit to have this girl in my presence, I have me a little fun. The last exchange we had involved some name dropping about how she could get us really great tickets to a certain sport in St. Louie because she knew the president of the team's wife. She told some story about some exchange she had with this women and blah, blah just eating up the possiblity that people will think she is so great that she knows these people. Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, I knew her story was bullshit. I lived next door to these people growing up and they are my parents friends. Boy did I have fun outing her crap to a room full of people. I just can't help myself in these situations.

23. When someone gives me a compliment, I always respond with "Hell yeah I am!" I used to talk people out of complements and my mom told me it was rude, so now sarcasm reigns supreme. If you come up to me and tell me that my hair looks really good like that, I say "Hell yeah it does!". My wedding day was the ultimate compliment zone. If you have been married you know everyone tells you how beautiful you look, how special it was, etc. Every 30 seconds I was telling some person that Hell yeah I'm freaking beautiful, Hell yeah it was a great ceremony, Hell yeah my Dad is going to be broke, Hell yeah my husband is hot, Hell yeah we're gonna do it cause I'm so damn hot in this dress! I also continously screamed up until the ceremony "I'm getting married TO-DAY, a-whoo-hoo!! al la Chandler Bing with my sister and brothers. I made my bridesmaids to it too. After the I do's I yelled "I'm SO married, a whoo-hoo!" People really should have kept me away from the Starbucks, I accept no responcibilty.

24. On a stretch of road that is deserted, I enjoy yelling "Pretend we're in Europe" and then drive in the wrong lane while talking in a British accent. I only do this when I have someone else in the car just to see there heart stop for a moment. They will yell at me to get in the right lane and I smile and say I don't speak american in my british accent. I won't get back over until they talk with the accent or another car comes along.

25. Every now and again I decide that my taebo and pilates workouts have made me so strong that I can take out my husband. I come up behind him, grab his arm and kick his leg out from under him. Twenty minutes later while I'm in some sort of contorted position on the floor telling him that I've got him right where I want him, I realise I'm never gonna get out of this hold he has me in. I cry and tell him he is hurting me. He isn't, but because he would never want to hurt me, he quickly lets me go and says I'm sorry about ten times. I jump up, give him a dirty look, then stick my tongue out at him, laugh and run really fast away from him. Somehow I believe that this means I win.

26. I love to watch real crime shows on A&E. The problem is they make me paranoid that someone will come into our house and kill, rape and torture us, so naturally I sometimes watch them before I go to bed. I triple check the locks go upstairs and put my dresser infront of the bedroom door as quiety as possible so Luke has no idea that I am doing this again. I then put something on the dresser that if moved will make a really loud noice to alert me of my killer. Luke will get up to go to the bathroom and not be able to find the door, flip on the light and yell at me to stop watching those damn shows. I also have a hammer and my mace under my nightstand. The worst time was 2 weeks ago when my favorite Cold Case Files was on and St. Charles, MO flashed on the screen. I screamed and called my friend, sure that this was right near my house. There were booby traps all over my house after that episode. Skywalker put a parental control on A&E, but I am going to start watching Numbers to help me crack his code.

27. I hate paying bills, I would rather spend the money on pretty things for me. When a bill comes in the mail, I say "Curse you damn bill". Then when I go to pay the bill on bill pay, I wine and moan all the way to the computor saying outloud, "I don't want to pay the bills, bills suck! I hate being a grown up." I stop just short of throwing myself on the ground and screaming "I'm not paying the bills, no I'm not" and bursting into tears. Ok, I did that once and my roomates thought I was crazy, which wasn't why I stopped doing that because I don't care if people think that. One of my roomates was messy and I landed on something hard and it hurt real bad.

28. My husband and I want to wait until we have been married two years or so to have kids. Whenever we are around kids, it makes him want them right now. He then begins to pester me about going off the pill for a good 2 weeks. Now when we are around kids that are old enough to speak, I tell them to do ignorant stuff to my husband to make him question having them now. Yesterday we were at my company's regional chili cook off picnic and there we a ton of kids. I had a gang of 5 year old boys go up to him and kick him and throw balls at his head. I had some little girls ask him to get his face painted and the women and wives were in on it and gave him flowers and butterflies all over his face and head (he shaves his head bald) and then they told him how pretty he was all day. Uh, the guys I work with told him too. Tee hee.

29. I laugh when people get hurt. Not getting hit by an 18 wheelers hurt, but fall and skin your knee hurt. If you bang your head on my car when you get in it, I crack up.

30. My friend's husband hates to say the word sex, he always says "we did it". They have a baby and everytime I see it, I say "you got this because you did it" and then I giggle for ten minutes. I make opportunities to say this and no one else finds it funny but me. While we are hanging out I say things like, "Hey, Ned why didn't Kerry answer the phone last night when I called." Ned "I don't know?" Me "Were you doing it!" Insane laughter from me, eye rolling from everyone else.

Thank you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

Here is 11-20

11. I can't hide when I don't like someone. My dad is the same way, I take after him. If I don't like you and you say hi, I try a smile but my face looks like you just told me someone ran over my dog while symotaneously tickling me. When girls run up to me shreaking and jumping up and down yelling "Oh my gawd, oh my GAWD, (giggle, shreak, shreak) It's been sooo LONG!" I walk right past them. My real friends would never do that unless we are making fun of people who do that.

12. I like to call my husband Boo-Boo Kitty Head. I think it has to do with the fact that it annoys him, and pumpkin butt didn't get the look of total disgust that I was going for. I love to call him that infront of his friends, especially during a manly game of Texas Hold em' or when they are playing football. Example "Can you get me a diet coke boo boo kitty head, pawleeessee." As he stands up looking for the hole in the floor to swallow him up, I tilt my head and smile. "Thanks, BOO!" It is especially fun when someone is there that doesn't know me and they think he is whipped enough to get said drink.

13. I am a competative freak when it comes to everything! Luke and I will be walking from where ever to the car and I will yell "Race you to the car" and take off sprinting. Yes, yes I do.
It's my dad's fault:
Dad "Are there wusses in this family?"
Little 5 year old Rit. "No, Daddy!"
Dad "Do we cry in this family!"
Rit "No Daddy!"
Dad"What are we going to do to the other team?"
Rit "Crush em!"
Dad "Do we care if they cry!"
Rit "No we don't, we make em' cry!"
Dad "What is the other team made of?"
Rit "A big bunch of crying girls!"
Dad "Let me see your game face!"
Usually at this point my mom would walk in and yell at my dad while I put on the meanest little 5 year old girl face and growl while running in place. Then he'd give me a brownie, which I now know was to get me all sugared up. This was our ritual before every sporting event until my senior year in highschool. Now I make my husband pump me up before my co-ed soccer/softball games. I will take out my best friend to win in sports. My husband and I used to play basketball with each other until we almost beat the living shit out of each other. We were staring each other down, fists clenched and started cracking up. No more one on one. My friends really have to think about even playing a board game with me. I talk some mean pictionary smack.

14. I am obsessed with celebrities. I read People, Us and everything online. While this alone is not all that bad, it is what I do with this information that is the problem. While watching a movie I will let you know all the other movies that person is in, who their husband/wife/sister/brother/affairing with is, and any recent scandal. I don't care that it may be the most piviotal point in a movie, I believe that this information is invaluable to you.

15. I change my clothes at least twice a day. Even if the day does not call for any change i.e. buming around the house watching tv and movies with my husband, I feel the need to change at LEAST twice. I just have so many pretty things to wear.

16. I still tell people to "SHUT UP" when they tell me something I can't believe or is shocking. I sound like a valley girl. My husband looks at me and says "I know, like oh my god!" This does not deter me in anyway, nor does it when my boss or clients look at me weird. Imagine Bree Vandeekamp from Desperate Housewives saying that (that's how I look at work, the pearls and tight ponytail).

17. I don't like talking on the phone. It bores me. I would rather just talk to you in person. Instead of telling my friends that I have to let them go, I watch tv with the phone to my ear and say "Uh huh" and "Yep" when I think it needs to be said. I am not listening to a thing they say and they always catch me. I do it to everyone, and I think it is funny. So when they catch me and say "Did you hear what I just said?" I tell them no, no I did not and proceed to tell them what I am watching and how great it is. Sometimes in the middle of what they are saying I will laugh at the show. Usually this is at a point where they are telling me something that I shouldn't be laughing at, and when they say things like "How do you possibly find the fact that Kate told my boss I think he is a moron funny." I try to play it off and say things like "Well, it's funny that he is such a moron." They usually get off the phone with me then.

18. My sister looks nothing like the rest of us kids, so when she was little I told her she was adopted. She had the best come back ever "Mom and dad picked me, they just got stuck with you." She's smart that one. Anyway, when people say to me that we don't look alike I still tell them she is adopted. She was got so annoyed with me at my wedding when all of my friends were like, wow I never knew you were adopted.

19. I don't think pennies are real money, so I throw them away. My husband apparently thinks pennies are money. One day he saw me cleaning and throwing the precious pennies he took out of his pocket into the trash can. He now guards his pennies within an inch of his life and if he does catch me tossing them, I get an hour long lecture on the evils of being wasteful.

20. I love my steaks raw, the bloodier the better. If I go out to dinner with someone who gets their steaks cooked over medium rare, I go postal. I let them know that they are ruining good meat. I make, MAKE them taste my steak and then nod and smile as they put it in their horrified mouth. If they don't turn around and thank me for making them see the error of their ways and still want to over cook it, I mentally smack them in the back of the head and pout throughout dinner.

My first tat. I was 18. Not much thought into what I would get, just went it and picked it and they sticked it! A few jack and coke's helped too.

Thanks you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

1. I judge people by the clothes they wear. I try not to, but I do. I don't believe that people need to wear the latest trends or spend all their hard earned dough on clothes, but if you have a leather Budweiser jacket or Nascar shirts and hightop tennis shoes and you aren't on your way to a basketball game that YOU are playing, I will think you are an idiot. If you also sport some mall bangs and tight stone washed jeans I will stare at you and mumble things under my breath.

2. I treat my car like it is my own personal dumpster. If you ask me where to put your empty can of soda, I will grab it out of your hand and throw it into my backseat regardless of passengers who are wedged in back there amongst the old QT receipts, cig packs, jackets, sweaters, shoes, old fast food bags, and any animals that have decided to make it their home. I will come to your house, pick you and some friends up knowing that not all of you will fit in my car until I open the backdoor and shove everything as far to one side as I can. You may even have to sit on the lap of your friend, and I don't care if you get something sticky on you that will ruin your chances of hooking up that night. I haven't washed the outside of my car in three years.

3. I am anal about my laundry. I have 3 hampers. One for whites, one for darks, and one for the clothes Luke gets really skuzy. I wash them, put them in the dryer, and as soon as that buzzer goes off I am folding the clothes into neat piles on the huge table we bought so I can fold laundry. I refuse to put laundry away. It stays on my ginormous laundry folding table. This drives Luke nuts. I am perfectly content walking the 2 flights of stairs from our bedroom down to our basement to get dressed every morning. Luke is not. I really don't care. The only way his clothes make it to his dresser is when he does laundry. When he complains I say, "Do you own laundry."

4. I can't help "telling you so". If you come to me and ask for some type of advise and you go against said advise and things go badly, as I knew they would, I will say "I told you so". While you sit and talk and talk about how you said this and he said that, I am not listening to you. I am mentally giving myself a gold star for rightness. Yes I am. As I try to force myself not to smile at your misfortune, I am telling myself to be humble and not tell you of my all knowing wisdom. But as soon as you finish, I will blurt out that I told you so and if you just would have listened to me this would never have happened. I am amazed my friends still come to me for advise.

5. I am obsessed with my eyebrows. I get them waxed and every morning I stare in the mirror looking for the overnight grow whores. You know how you go to sleep with not one hair of regrowth and you wake up and ten have grown in. I will also look in the mirror at lunch and make sure that they are down and I have no soldier hairs standing at attention.

6. I had to put this one on here because Karla reminded me of what I put on my husband's wedding ring, read hers it's funny. People put really romantic inscribings (is that a word?) on their betrothed's wedding ring. I sat long and hard and came up with the pefect words "Love your first wife". Luke thought it was awesome, a certain person related to him who's title sounds like Nom thought it was the most terrible thing she had ever, EVER heard in her whole life. She said that I must not take marriage seriously, I told I did and that all I was doing was pointing out the obvious. I am his first wife.

7. I tell servers when they give me bad service and I don't tip them. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. I waited tables all through college and I know what kind of service to expect. If I don't get the expected service, I don't feel the need to tip them. If you wait tables you know that you need to been kind and courteous to your customers. Period. Some of my friends think I am terrible when I don't tip the girl who rolls her eyes, grunts, and storms off everytime we ask her for a refill or silverware. You know, when we ask her to do her damn job! I'm sorry, did I interupt your conversation with the busboy? I'll just eat my cold salmon with my hands. I always let them know why I'm not tipping them, doesn't that count?

8. If you and I are in line for food or checking out at any store and you stand an inch from me, I will turn around and tell you to back off. You have to be the most dense of dense for me to get to that point. First I will turn my head enough and look at you, trust me you saw me look. If you haven't moved I will take a step back and knock into you. Not so much that you fall over or anything, but enough to say "Hey, all I did was shift my weight and step back a little...move your damn ass". Should you still be staking your claim over the spot close enough for me to feel your breath on my neck, I'm talking to ya.

9. Having cash on me freaks me out. I am strickly debit or credit. When I carry cash I always feel like I have dropped some somewhere and therefore I will never see that money again. My friends and husband can't stand it when I pay for a .89 soda with my debit card. I don't care, at least I know I didn't lose that .89.

10. When I drive in traffic I never get in the lane that is moving fast and at the last minute cut into the lane I need to be in. Because of that, I refuse to let people in who do that. By refuse I mean everyday when I drive home there is a stretch of highway that has crazy traffic. When I come up to this I get off my cell, turn down the radio, throw out a cig if no is lit and stay 3 feet from the car infront of me to ensure none of those last minute fuckers get in. This guy stopped in the fast traffic lane honking and yelling to get in. I saw him get out of the lane a mile behind me and then try to cut back in. Not on my watch asshole. Then he tried to go up the shoulder and I put my car in his way. Ha, ha!

This is not a reference to me even though I threw up on my principal the nun and was booted from Prom. I still owe my ex money for his tux. Anywho, I finally caught the last two episodes of Laguna and let my just say WFT! (according to BabyJewels that means What Fuck, Thee and I like it!)

First, I have to say that Talan looks like the penis to the balloon balls. Ahhhh, I just needed to say that. I feel much better. Now on with the recap.


Why do these kids have to ask people to dances all fancy like. I asked my boyfriend to prom while he was holding my hair for me while I puked during a keg party when I was visiting him at college. He asked me to his prom two years earlier by saying, "Hey, my prom's in 3 weeks go buy a dress". Gorilla suits? Who is this Jeff C., wait or was it Jeff B.? Shit, the guy who asked blond Alex not brown Alex... Oh my god they need to change these kids names so we can tell them apart!

Kristen managed to lose my love. I have always maintained that she is highschool perfection, what with all the backstabbing and such, but after the whining and moaning of "I don't think I'm going to get asked to prom" and the way she treated Talan I'm so over it! Don't miss understand me, I think Talan is a whipped little boy. He said he had been trying to ask her for a year. Who spends a year trying to ask someone to prom? Was he running around in a gorilla suit and she thought that it had escaped from the zoo? Did he leave clues Kristen couldn't find and sat in a cardboard box on the beach for days? He is a tool. None the less, I don't L-U-V Kristen anymore. (FYI, in the episode before this one, she and blond Alex were definately on drugs, X is my guess).

Jessica was surprisingly annoying free. When I came to after realising that, I saw brown Alex making out with The Walking Puke. Sad, but I'm hoping they were drunk. The morning after talks with each main character's sidekicks were enlightening and full of useful information. Brown Alex let us know that if you make out with someone else's date you will have your best prom ever. Kristen informed all that if you think your date is mad at you, just hope that he hooked up with some random girl and pissed off her date. Talan/Jason/Cedric just high-fived at the mention of making out with girls. The most fabulous news was that Casey looked like a hooker, everyone was in agreement on that!



I don't even want to mention who I saw hooking up with The Walking Pube next week...

Is that the black Hilary Duff? -----> What the hell did Vivica A. Fox do to her damn self!

As you all know, Skywalker and I were married in February of this year. Which means two things, #1 I now have the spelling of February down pat, and #2 we racked up some credit card debit. Oh, and we started our life together in married bliss blah, blah. We didn't actually have to pay for the wedding or really much, but somehow we did managed to spend alot on various things. Wedding bands, thank you cards and stamps are all I can come up with and that doesn't add up to the alot we spent (honeymoon not included). To think of it Luke's band was kind of a waste since he only wears it on weekends. He claims that he could snag it on a shelf should he need to climb up one at the warehouse and it would lead to the loss of a limb. I try to tell him more chicks would hit on him if he wore it, but I am kind of like his left hand ring finger and since he already has a dead pinky as the result of a cooking incident, by cooking incident I mean to lazy to defrost two steaks stuck together and while trying to pry them apart with a steak knife he cut his hand to shit and never went doctor and can't move his pinky, I think he needs as many fingers as possible. I am getting totally off subject, which has been the problem for 8 months.

For 8 months we have talked about sitting down to figure out a budget so we can save more money. Yuck! It is not like we live beyond our means, we just could definately spend less and save more. Everytime we set a time to do this, one or both of us comes up with an excuse to postpone it. Last night's excuse was My name is Earl. We love this show. If you haven't seen it, you should. Earl is a guy who did a bunch of shitty things and then one day he finds out about Karma. So he writes a list of everything he has ever done wrong and sets out to correct the mistakes. Last night's mistake was that he broke up with a girl by having his brother tell her that he was dead. We spent the time up to the show talking about the worst excuses we gave someone to break up with them, and after the show we talked about the things we could make amends for. That is for another post. Well, we postponed the budget meeting for tonight and we are meeting at a restaurant after work with bank statements, bills, and a legal pad. However the Cardinals game is on and we both decided that a sports bar was the best atmosphere for this serious matter...

That's what Kristen said when she found Stephen lying on the floor after he saw these pictures and realised that his backup, LC, is/has hooked up with The Walking Pube.

Shutter, Kristen and Brody Jenner. Isn't there some rule that says she can only exist in Laguna world and reak havoic on the boys that live there? If not, I'm making one right the hell now. Kristen who's next? Andrew Firestone? I wouldn't watch Brody's stupid reality show Princes of Malibu and I watch Breaking Bonaduce for god's sake.

image from Pink is the New Blog

Oh yes he did, and it is more than just the obvious rat tail hair do. I know the rat tail is enough, but he decided to bake up some brownies. Brownies you say, Rit what's wrong with that? Well, they were more Snoop than Martha. I've had some bad hair do's and had been known to bake up some "special" brownies circa 1991-95, but I have never feed them to my 5 year old daughter. Yep, he was busted because his daughter's grandmother noticed that she was lethargic and had a larger than normal appetite. Nice, your kid had a raging case of the munchies asshole. I think High Times has their Father of The Year candidate! Full story here

First Reece, then Lindsay. Who's next? Tom Cruise that's who, this has to stop...wait did you say Tom Cruise MSNBC? Oh, ok. I really don't care if they bug him.

The paparazzi followed Tom to his spaceship, I mean the Scientology Celebrity Center and Cruises bodyguard was in an altercation with them. Here is Xenu's account:

“The paparazzi were outside our property and our security guard went to photograph him out of concern for the safety of our parishioners,” Scientology Celebrity Centre spokesman Greg LaClaire told The Scoop. “[Later] our security officer drove away and was at a stop light on a corner. While he was sitting at the stop light, the paparazzi jumped through the passenger window and started beating him. Our security officer defended himself as best he could and then made a citizen arrest on felony charges of battery. He held [the paparazzi] until the police came.”

I have a couple of questions. One, I can't believe Tom didn't use this time with the paparazzi to "educate" them on Scientology. You know Tom says everyone is interested in it and people don't call it a cult. (Interview he says crazy shit like that) Two, are you allowed to call cult members parishioners?

Tagged by TinaPopo

Directions:Go to Google and click on the images link. Type in the following and post the first (or your favorite) picture the search engine finds.

- The name of the town where you grew up
- The name of the town where you live now
- Your name
- Your Grandmother’s name (pick one)
- Your favorite food
- Your favorite drink
- Your favorite song
- Your favorite smell



Des Peres, MO
Des Peres Park 1 Mile from my Parents house (where Rit got grown)



St. Peters, Mo (where Skywalker and I live now)
I love that this was the first picture



Now you are closer to knowing Rit's real name (my real name)



Mildred (My maternal grandma's name)
Tina, they almost named me this! Damn that would have sucked!



Loves me some Fettucini Alfredo! Shit, now I'm hungry (My favorite food)



Ok, this is not what came up when I googled Starbucks, but come on we got our picture taken there on our wedding day! (Favorite Drink)



Dock of the Bay- Ottis Redding (favorite song)



Roses smell good, we have 3 bushes in our backyard. Anyone who makes the first "stop and smell the roses comment will get a punch to the kidney's (favorite smell)


There has been alot of tagging lately. Duck, Duck, Duck, GOOSE. Do it if you want.

Here is Kate Moss doing lines of coke. I saw this on The Defamer. While not at all shocking, I was surprised that this is the second video of her doing lines. I don't know about you, but I get concerned when people whip out the camera while I'm putting something illegal up my nose. Call me crazy, but no one will ever see video of Rit snorting cuban cigars or illegal immigrants. I'm too smart for that stuff.

Skywalker and I had plans on Sunday to go with my parents and Grandma to a Church Sausage Dinner . It was at the parish of the priest who married Luke and I. He is a very good friend of my parents and the most liberal catholic priest in the world. This is one of the reason's I love him so, we agree on politics and various things about the church. When I was sitxteen I kept getting in trouble with the nuns at my highschool as a result of papers titled "Bible Miracles, God or Science" my parents sent me to him to discuss my "crisis of faith". I explained my distain for the hypocrasy of the church throughout the years and all the rest of my idealistic views. He told me that he felt that people who question their belief system are refreshing and that I needed to search my heart and mind to find my personal relationship with God. He also said whatever I decided didn't matter because once you are catholic the church always claims you. (His sarcasm is unparalleled)

My mother is famous for running late and my dad is always in a purpetual state of annoyed. They told us to be ready between 2-3, which means 3-4. Luke eats alot. By alot I mean he ate breakfast at 9, lunch at 11 and we are going to eat a ginormous dinner at 3 or 4, so naturally we are at Jack in the box at 1:45 so he can eat 4 tacos, 2 cheeseburgers, 2 butterfinger cheesecakes and fries. My phone rings. Both of our mouths drop open. It's my mom's cell!! I answer the phone and she tells me they are on their way to the dinner with Grandma belted in and hungry for sausage. Shit! Now I have to drive our ginormous truck, which freaks the shit out of me, so Luke can eat his appetizer.

We walk up and spot my parents. My grandma has a glass of red wine. Grandma is a wee bit tipsy. We get in line for food and Luke says something to me and I tell him to shut up, jokingly. My grandma smacks me in the back of the head. "Don't you tell him to shut up, he is my favorite grandson-in-law!" My mouth is agape and My mom laughs and spits some of her beer out of her mouth. My dad says while trying not to laugh "Mom, don't hit my daughter!" My grandma says, "I always stick up for the in-laws, like Pam (my mom) and she is my favorite. I don't side with you, your brothers, your sister or my grandkids, I side with the people who marry you." Lesson #1 for the day, my grandma is a snarky drunk! My mom smiles real big and sticks her tongue out at my dad then she goes to drink her beer and a bee goes in her mouth. Karma is a bitch!

We eat our weight in sausage, sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, green beans, homemake bread and pie. Lots of pie. Luke ate the most, even though he had a whole meal a hour before. Skinny little bastard! Father comes over to us and says he will take us on a tour of the Church. It was built a couple of years ago and he oversaw it. My grandma, the devout old school catholic, is thrilled. Luke and I have went to this church when we had to take a test the Catholic church makes you take to get married in the church, especially since Luke is not catholic...gasp. I still can't believe he is her favorite and he is not catholic.

Father starts his tour. I love going into a catholic church with my husband. He has no idea what to do. He was walking with my grandma holding on to his arm. Didn't you hear, he is her favorite! We walk in and everyone grabs some holy water and does the sign of the cross. I almost forget so I take a few steps back and dab my fingers in the water just in time to hear my grandma explaining the holy water ritual to Luke. Father walks past the holy water holder, which is huge and that is probably not it's name, and points out some cards with the pope on them he just got from Rome. Father points to things, statues and stain glass windows, telling us where they were from and how they got here. I hear my grandma saying loudly that although the church is pretty and probably expensive, it is too modern for her taste. She doesn't like it, no sir. It is soooo Vatican II. Every now and again I hear my grandma explaining to Luke some catholic rule that Vatican II abolished, like going to hell because you ate meat on Fridays during Lent. Yep, she is pissed that we won't go to hell for that anymore. Luke looks confused.

We leave and drive home. We walk in the house and Luke says "Hey, what do we do with this PopeBall card?" I ask him what the hell is he talking about. PopeBall card? He pulls one of the Pope cards out of his pocket. My grandma made him take it home. She said it will help him make his choice. I just can't get the vision of the Pope swinging a baseball bat out of my head. I love my non-catholic husband! Lesson #2 for the day- My grandma is trying to bring Luke over from her version of the Dark side. I hope this doesn't mean I have to start going to church every week again?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and concern for my friend and her daughter. My friend's leg was crushed and she had surgery on Friday. The doctor says she will recover and should have full use of her leg, in time. Her daughter is still in ICU, but they are going to try to wake her up (drug induced coma) this afternoon if they can take her off the respirator. My friend is very detirmined to get out of the hospital so she can see her daughter. Unfortunately they are at different hospitals. I have spent the weekend smuggling in burgers, candy, and trashy magazines. Oh, and screaming at morons who don't know how to move a person from their bed to the wheelchair without hitting her smashed up leg. It was pretty ridiculous!

I needed a laugh, so I looked on Pink is the New Blog and saw this treasure. Nice outfits ladies! Alex looks like what Casey said her you know what smells like. Who did her hair and makeup, Kristen? Or was it Jessica? Casey, maybe? Shit, I can't keep up with the people who she hates and then yells slut at. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers for my friend and her daughter. I love you all. Oh yeah, 18 wheelers are a motherfuck (thanks babyjewels)! My morphined up friend and I said that all morning.

I will not be around until Monday. My friend and her 7 year old daughter were hit by a 18 wheeler last night and I have spent the night & morning in the hospital. I am just here in the office for an hour and then I'm going back. My friend is in surgery and will live, but is badly injured. Her daughter is in ICU...

I wasn't going to post on the news that the artist formerly known as Katie is with alien spawn. It has been ruff on me. Because I wanted to free katie ,I stumbled upon TinaPoPo and here you are a month and a half later reading my blog. I don't know if I can wear my Free Katie shirt anymore now that she is has a Xenufetus, can she ever really be free now? This news has made me unable to consume any solid food, and I believe it signals the end of the world.
Image from A socialites life

Luke locked the door every time he went to the bathroom this week, but he'll get lazy and I'll be waiting! Here is one my tats. This was an engagement present from my friend Tom. No kidding. Luke has an engagement tat too. They are not matching, just bought in honor of our engagement. It's hard trying to use your camera phone to take a picture of your back. Sorry for the extreme close up!

I am in the office all by myself and a guy from the restaurant next door came in and asked about investing. Then he said he didn't really want to invest anything and that I am his eye candy. You would think my inflated ego would love to hear things that confirm my belief that I am a smokin' hottie, but I am really freaked out. I'm all by my lonesome, if we were in a bar I would have laughed in his face but my moxi from this morning is all gone. I've called 10 of my friends and my husband, and no one has answered So I'm turning to my bloggers. I think I'm going home for the day. Shit, now I'll have to walk past him. EEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

UPDATE:
I left 10 minutes after my post. Here is the deal, Luke has been informed and it is beyond my control that he is going to go all Skywalker on this guy's ass. The people I work with have been informed and if it happens again, I will go to the restaurant and talk with the manager. The part that scared me the most was that after I walked out of my office when he came in, he keep looking around to see if others were there. Ewww

Dear Jude and Sienna,

You two are very hot people. Seriously, beautiful. This being the case, it does not give you the option of dressing like a pimp/professor or a white trash hoosier coke head in hooker boots. Speaking of coke addicts, when I saw this picture on A Socialite's Life I really thought you were Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. When I saw that Sienna was mirror free, I read that it was in fact you two. Guys please, no amount of God's Gorgeous Wand dust can make up for the way you dress.

Love,
Rit

P.S. Sienna, you are a moron for taking him back. Yes he is hot. But I saw the pictures of him naked and it's not that fantabulous so he must know how to use it, and boy does he like to use it...

I am not kidding. I have never written of my life threatening morning ritual, but today I finally snaped!

I love Quick Trip. My husband loves Quick Trip. When moving I usually consult were a QT is in relation to the home I am considering. They have decent coffee, sandwiches, granola bars, huge giant sodas, and Quick Trip isn't false advertising...they are speedy!

So I go there everyday to get my coffee and granola bar and fight the urge to eat a Krispy Kreme donut. I pull in which is the first part of taking your life in your hands. There is always maybe one parking space open and 5 people backing out of a space. I don't know about you, but I like to let people out of their spaces. Call me crazy, I just think that if I let them out I could park there and they could leave and go to work and go on with their day. I am not the only person who thinks that, but there are many who torture the rest of us patrons with their selfishness. Horns are blaring and people fly 20 miles per hour (which is flying in a QT parking lot) past the people trying to back out. It's a mess, but I finally park. I purchase my goods while repeating over and over in my head "Kristy Kreme's are the devil! They will make you fat!"

I juggle my keys and coffee with my granola bar hanging out of my mouth and get in my car. I get myself situated and mentally prepared for what is about to go down. I put my car in reverse, and look behind me and to the sides CLEAR, I start backing out. I am almost completely out of my space when a car, who just pulled in the freakin QT mind you, speeds up to me and blares it's horn. I am not surprised, this happens everyday. She keeps driving, not letting me back out. I quickly pull back in so the bitch doesn't hit me and then prepare to leave my space again. Seriously if I didn't pull back in she would have hit my back end going 20 mph. This happens two more times, and 7 minutes later I am now agitated, yes sir. This time I am almost ready to put the car in drive...so you know how far out of a space that is right? Horn blare, not a honk but a blare. I see a car speeding straight for me, I don't give a shit anymore. You want to play chicken, I'm so pissed off I will win asshole! Just as the car slams on its breaks and I took my foot of the break to roll backwards a little more, I realize it is the bitch who almost hit me the first time.

She continues to have her hand on the horn and I calmly put my car in park and exit my vehicle. She stops honking her horn when she sees me get out of the car and rolls her window down and starts cussing at me. We have a crowd of people staring at us. I have yet to say anything. She keeps yelling stupid things at me, and then stops. I ask her if she is done making a total ass out of herself. She is not amused and opens her mouth to speak again. I then say I don't care to hear her white trash mouth speak anymore and that it may indeed be giving me a headache. I explain to her what a stupid bitch she is that if she doesn't back her f*ing car up so I can get out of my space I will ram her car with mine. I tell her that I have never had an accident that has ever been my fault so I have really good insurance premiums and the extra cost would be worth it to get the hell out of the QT parking lot. She doesn't say anything as I walk back to my car. As I get in I tell her that she better hurry up because as soon as I get in my car it's going in drive. She decides that I am to be believed and backs up. I was only 5 minutes late to work today. Thank you fried green tomatoes. Without movies, how would I know what to do?

This one is for you BabyJewels. Who's a hard core felon, me that's who! Shut up, hard core felon's wear pink! Now who's gonna be my bitch...

Be careful what you ask for, because if you encourage Rit, she will usually deliver. I told you I'm clever! (What I'm hoping is that you all believe me)

1. How old were you when you found out Santa was not a jolly man, but your Mom and Dad?
WHAT!!!

2. Who was the first celebrity's poster you had hanging on your wall?
Michael J. Fox aka Alex P. Keaton. Yep, my first love was a crazy republican that I would kiss every night before I went to bed.

3. How many times have you heard the phrase, "Please step out of the car Ma' am/Sir."
Three times.

4. What is the lamest reason for breaking up with someone you have ever gave or received?
I told a guy I dated for several months that I decided to become celebate and I was so attracted to him that the temptation would be too great. I'm an asshole.

5. What is the dumbest lie you ever told your parents to get out of something?
Oh lord, this might be hard to choose! I was grounded and wanted to party with my friends, so I told my parents I was trying out for this play 45 minutes away from home and it would go all night. I instead went and partied with my friends. When I got to my car to go home, some bitches I pissed off had slashed two of my tires, one on each side. I called my parents and told them I ran into a curb and got two flat tires and some nice men were helping me. Bottom line, this didn't go well and HELLO, how can you run into a curb on each side of your car?!

6. Paper or Plastic?
Plastic. I don't care about the environment, I care about making one trip from my car to the kitchen no matter how much weight my little girl arms can carry. I am damn lazy!

7. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were little (under 10)?
Wonder woman! I am singing the theme song in my head.

8. What do you want to be when you grow up now?
As happy as I am today but with a job that requires little time behind a desk and no set hours.

9. What kind and color of underwear do you have on right now?
The little boy shorts kind, black.

10. What CD are you ashamed to admitt you own and listen to?
Celion Dion's greatest hits, yep I like to sing and cry to The Prayer and a little All by Myself in Spanish.

11. Who would you sleep with if you had the opportunity to?
Dave freakin' Matthews!!

12. Finish this sentence and say what movie this is from. The FBI is going to pay me to ______? (I know you will read this first, but if you didn't know don't lie.)
Keanu Reeves said "The FBI is going to pay me to Surf "and this was from Point Break. Hell yeah, fuckin awesome movie!

13. Are you a lame asshole who lied on the above question?
No

14. Why did you come to the blog that tagged you?
Well, I have to come to this blog because I write it and I wrote the questions, but honestly it's because I am witty and smart. Oh and beautiful. Ok, because I write it.

15. What is your biggest fear?
Drowning, not actual death, just the process of drowning. Ok, I think I am actually having an anxiety attack right now.

16. Do you watch reality television and why/why not?
Yes, yes, yes! Because I can't look away. As Danny Bonaduce says in the opening of his show "My life is a car crash and you have every right to stop and look at the car crash". This pretty much describes my addiction to reality shows.

17. Have you ever slept with someone and wondered why the hell you did that?
Yes, yes I have. Then I dated him for 6 months, and wondered why the hell I did that too.

18. What is your biggest regret?
Honestly, I do not regret anything I have done, only things I haven't. Wait, dating and sleeping with the guy from question 17.

19. How old where you and what happened the first time you got drunk?
14 and we drank purple passion. This was not a good thing because it tasted like grape soda and I drank a whole two liter myself. I was hanging out with some seniors from my highschool and felt oh so cool, until I puked purple and passed out. My friends wrote shit all over me in permanent marker...slut on your forehead is not good.

20. Which would you rather be, the hammer or the nail?
The nail, because I would hold shit together. Yes I would.

21. What is your favorite curse word?
Shitfuck. I like to combine curse words that normally don't go together. Like mothershiter or damnass.

22. If there was one thing you could ask your parents, but never had the guts, what would that be?
Did either of you have sex before you were married?

23. What are 3 things that make you go Hummm?
1. The warning on windex to not spray directly in your eye.
2. Customer service at Charter Cable.
3. My husband's allergy to cleaning dishes.

24. Real or fake boobies?
I sticking to real, I'm too afraid of the saliene leakage.

25. Do you like being tagged by people?
Yes, sort of. You feel loved, but then you have to think of shit.

I tag BabyJewels, LuLu, TinaPoPo (where ever you are), Mystery Girl, and Beepers.

So my hubby, Luke Von Hotness (you all know he reads this now, right?) and I had a little "date night" on Saturday. We went out to eat and then realised that we hadn't bought my dad anything for his birthday and Sunday we were going over there for dinner and cake. So we go to Borders at the mall. Luke found the book "When Pride Still Mattered" which is the biography of Vince Lombardi. According to Luke, and later my father, this man was the best coach in football. The best in the WOORRRLLLDDD! (Yes, everytime I said it I sounded like a drunken Tara Reid. I can't help it). We bought it and wondered, now what? Movie, nope. Let's window shop, me: yes, Luke: only if I can go to Sears and look at tools. I believe that since he is with me looking at shoes, cute clothes and ooohhhing and aweing about it, so he needs to look at tools and scratch himself to make sure he is still a man. Deal done.

We walk into Sears and go downstairs to the tool section. Before we get there, we stop off and look at TVs. Luke says, "Let's get one" I say "Ok". Luke stares at me for a minute "Are you serious?" I tell him I am. We start jumping up and down which surprisingly gets the attention of 2 sales people. We go with the one that asked us if we needed help only once, the other guy looks pissed. Ha ha, don't pressure us m*fuckers! So we are trying to choose between the JVC and the Sony, which are the same everything but the Sony is $100 more. We flip a quarter. The sales guy looks at us funny, so I tell him we make alot of big decisions by the all powerful quarter. "Really?" he asks. I tell him that yes we do and that wouldn't be married if it wasn't for the quarter. His eyes bug out, "what?". We told him that we broke up for a year and a half and when we went out on our 2nd first date we flipped a quarter to see if we should get back together. It landed on heads 6 times and here we are. Anywho, we go with the Sony and take it home. It is 10pm and we stop by Blockbuster first to get a kickass movie to watch on our huge TV. We keep singing "We've got a huge TV, we're gonna bring it home, we'll watch some movies, and you don't got one" to the tune of I've got some ice cream that Eddie Murphy sang on Delirious. We stay up until 4am.

Luke is excited to watch big giant football, I'm excited to watch big giant Laguna. Sunday we are watching the Rams vs Giants game and every time the announcer says "Giants" I say "Not as giant as our TV!!" We yell and high five. At my parents house we tell them of our fantabulous purchase. My dad is going to make his famous Cinncinati Chilli and come over and watch football with Luke. My parents have a huge TV too, but my Dad and Luke are cut from the same cloth...it's a proud moment for them. It's like when I tell my mom I got some really cute shoes or some type of decor for the house and she comes over to see it. Later I watched big giant Breaking Bonaduce. Life is good.