Yeah, I know it doesn't have a good ring to it, but the truth is the truth people. I drank too much starbucks after work yesterday and was up late into the night. There were no Laguna repeats, I caught the last Breaking Bonaduce, and was surfing the channels. I ran across this little E! gem. Is she aware that cameras are on her? I would venture a guess and say, no. She is a liar! She told me at the begining of the show that I was going to find out that there is more to Tara Reid than partying. Uh...(crickets chirping) No, no there is not. We get to watch Tara drink and dance (badly I might add) all over the world. Speaking of the whole wide world, Tara constantly says "This is the best insert whatever she is talking about in the WOORRLLDDD!" She is usually 5 cocktails over the limit when she says this. Random Thoughts this Side of Normal is the best blog in the WOOORRRLLLDDD! She said it I swear!

Oh, also revenge from my husband for posting pictures of him on la blog. He took these of me last night and threatened to tickle me until I peed if I didn't post them. He's done it before. We aren't big on idle threats, which is why next week's half nekked thursday will be of my husband on the toliet. Sorry people, but I make good. This war might be a bit nasty.

This mornings conversation with my husband (while I'm sleeping):

Rit: I found out something last night.
Luke: What's that?
Rit: Underwear is no big deal, it rips off of everyone.
Luke: I know it rips off of me!
Rit: (giggles) Who's boobies do you think those are?
Luke: Maryanne's? (my friend)
Rit: No, silly, her boobies wouldn't be on a post.
Luke: I guess you're right.
Rit: Yeah, (moment of silence) So who's do you think they are?
Luke: I don't know, Jessica Simpson's?
Rit: NOOOOOOOOOO! (silence)
Luke: Love you
Rit: Love you
I don't think these would be half as interesting if he didn't egg me on. Gotta love that man of mine. At least my favorite foods aren't trying to kill me this time!(I look like shit in the next picture, I hate him right now I just don't want to pee my pants again...bastard!!!)

It's my half nekked husband and his friend building a picnic table. I wrote about this previously here. This is the quality of camera phone pictures from my super expensive cell phone from Verizon. I just found out I have to shell out an extra $5.00 a month just to have access to these shitty photos. The next picture I'll post will be of me grabbing my ankles for those cell phone m*fuckers!

I think I shall make this a regular part of my blog, since I have an arsenal of situations to pull from. I do dumb shit, enjoy!

I spent the better part of my highschool years in a perpectual state of groundation. I'd be free for a few months, and get busted again. It was what it was. Blame it on the Nuns, blame it on the plaid going to my brain, blame it on my ultra strict parents, or just me. Yep, just me.

So, one of the many times I was grounded I was hanging out in my room bored. Bored, bored, bored. I don't do well with bored, because then I start thinking. The thought came to me to start planning for the first day of school our Senior year. Yes, what horrible prank could we inflict upon the masses? Of course toliet paper would be involved. My friend Caryn and I had be stealing toliet paper from every gas station in town for the Teepee War of '94 (this will be for another post), and we had plenty left over. A plan was hatched that day that involved 20 people, teepee, 20 cans of shaving creme, signs that go in the ground, chains & a lock. The real story is in the execution.

D Day. I am off groundation, and we spend the day before school discussing the plan and drinking beer. Nothing better than lots of beer on a Sunday before the first day of school I'll tell you. The plan is for my boyfriend Dan and our friend Aaron to pick up my friend Claire and I from my house at 1:30 am. They are bringing the party bus, then we will pick up others and rendezvous at the park near school. (my private all-girl catholic school)

1:15 am -The only way to sneak out of my house is to climb out my bedroom window, walk around the roof to the back patio, slowly let yourself down and then your feet touch a shelf on the patio and you carefully climb down it. Easy, I've done it a thousand times. We do this, and as I am hanging from the roof, directly infront of our kitchen bay window, I see my mom. She has not yet seen me. I am drunk and freaking out. I try my best to whisper to my friend Claire to help pull me back up. What I probably said to her was "Mom, pull me up, Mom, she's here, pull me up." Finally Claire understood my "not again, I can't be grounded again" speak and helped me get up. We walk around to the front of my house and I go back in my window. I stand with my ear to the door to hear if my mom is hip to our game and coming to check on us. She is not.

We go back on the roof, and I'm suggesting we jump for it. We discuss and Claire has some input. Dan and Aaron pull up. Dan gets out and is looking at us curiously up there on the roof whispering and using large hand gestures. Claire thinks that jumping two stories from my roof is not a good idea. I call her a puss. I go the edge of the roof, it is kind of a high jump. Don't puss out Rit. (yep, my internal dialog) I jump. Uggrrrrrr! I heard a snap and felt some serious pain. Dan and Aaron come running over to me. I manage to stand up, my left leg is shaking uncontrollably. I look up at Claire and say "Come on, jump." She says in a high whisper, "Are you kidding me, I heard the noise you made, fuck that!" Dan is asking me why the hell I jumped off the roof. I explained my sound reasoning and ventured to guess that I had broken my foot. "No, shit!" was his response. All Aaron could do was laugh, which made me laugh. I can see on Dan's face he is questioning our relationship...this happened often in the 3 years we were together-but I'm cute and fun so what can you do. They get me to the van, and I start popping cold ones. This hurts like a bitch, and sweet budweiser will help in this pinch.

Somehow they get Claire out of my house. At this point I really don't care, I'm on a mission to get numb. We did a little pranking and went home. It was a bitch climbing the shelf to get up to the roof. We wake up and I wonder how I'm going to explain breaking my foot in my sleep. Huh, this does seem to pose a problem. 10 minutes later I'm laying at the bottom of the stairs with Claire at the top throwing my backpack down them. I scream and my mom comes running into the foyer. She looks at me, looks at Claire and doesn't seem to buy my writhing and crying while holding my leg yelling "I think I broke it, mom!"

It was a huge pain being on crutches for the first 6 weeks of school. It's hard to be drunk on crutches, mainly because my friends thought it was funny to steal them and watch me hop on one leg while trying not to spill my drink. This was dumb thing # 278.

No drama or lightening last night, so I was able to watch Laguna. Yippee! So for all the bloggers who double as Laguna fans...here is this weeks recap a la Rit.

Kristen is going to visit Stephen, this ends up an uncomfortable mess. Why did she go? She spent the whole time saying "yeah" and staring into space while Stephen by all means possible, tried to make out with her without saying it or making a move. Come on, we all know what staring at someone 5 inches from their face means. What guy talks about how great it is to be friends again with the ex they are clearly still wanting. By great Stephen, do you mean horrible and painful to witness?
I love that the most exciting part of this trip to Full House country was when a seagull tried to hit on Kristen. Priceless!

all images by TVgasm
Poor Talan, she is leading him on like no ones business. I've said it before and I will say it again. Kristen is highschool-fabulous!

Now to the rumor Casey started about Alex. We never get to actually hear said rumor, but it is clearly about a down below hygene problem that Alex may or may not have. I would pull that bitch around by her extentions if I were Alex. This is every girls nightmare, or at least mine, that someone would say the pooty's scent is more chicken of the sea than roses. On a side note is Alex looking like she has put on a few to anyone else...did her hair grow too? I'm confused.


Anywho, Casey calls Alex while she is lounging with her hoes and Casey wants to talk. They comment that Casey has some big balls to want to talk to Alex. Well, Casey wasn't in Cabo so she really doesn't know what she could be in for now does she. Until Casey opens her quesadilla loving mouth, we don't know if this is one of those situations where: someone said so and so said, but they never did say blah blah. The crazy "beauty queen" admitts to saying said horrible rumor. She admitts it. To her credit she said she was wrong, but I'd still kill the little crack hoe. Loud talking ensues and it is clear Alex is never going to be Casey's BFF. Casey's last ditch effort is to say "Forgive, you don't need to forget but forgive" and some be a bigger person bullshit. What? Shut the Laguna up! Did she really say that? Alex says no, Casey calls her evil. I love this show!

Look at Jessica's boobs!!!

Next week looks like uber trouble. Kristen is pissing off friends left and right and unless my eyes deceived me, Alex and Jessica are hanging out. Dun, Dun DUN!!! Until next week...

The first 64 questions are in a post below this one, check them out if you are really freakin' bored.

36: I've been handcuffed by the police on my front lawn in a bikini with beer cans everywhere. They let me go.
35: I used to drunk dial my ex-boyfriends and tell them what I thought of them. (You will see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
34: I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends.
33: I owned a '85 Volvo in highschool that we called the Vulva, it is still my favorite car.
32: I owned a white honda CRX that we called Nanu Nanu aka The Egg. (70's TV reference)
31: We called my mom's mini van The Shaggin' Wagon.
30: I liked to name cars, I do not currently own a vehicle that has been named, you gotta grow up sometime.
29: I am obsessed with People, US, and Star. While watching movies or TV, I will tell you who's brother's/sister's/cousin that is and who they are dating/divorced from/affairing with. This drives my husband crazy...but I can't help myself.
28: My siblings and I communicate with movie lines. For hours on end we amuse ourselves with lines from anything with Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Chevy Chase, we especially like to break into song "Oh, Kyle's mom is a big fat bitch" we often ask ourselves what Brian Boytano would do...well we will do lines from anything. My brother does a mean Arnie, Babyjewels.
27: I am a trend whore, yes I have the big sunglasses. When people complement me on something, my husband loves to say "Did you know it is totally IN right now!" He loves to mock me.
26: I read 1 to 2 books a week.
25: I love to smoke, but we are going to get that electric shock thingy in our ears to quit next week. I will chain smoke until then. I will miss my friend ciggy.
24: I love independant films. The stranger the better.
23: I have started to paint and draw again.
22: Sometimes I can't help but say to my husband "Luke, I am your father" into a fan. I try to get him to have light saber wars with me and shit.
21: I hate running, but I do it 3 times a week.
20: I put on 25 lbs since my wedding.
19: I started working out again and doing "the life change" not a diet, thanks Oprah! I've lost 5 lbs.
18. I used to be way too obessed with my weight, it is progress that I don't hate myself for the post-wedding gain.
17: I hate to cry.
16: I love to laugh.
15: My mom likes to drunk dial me when she is out with the girls. I love to mess with her, it's really fun.
14: I can't hide the way I feel about something/someone. I used to hate that about myself but my husband says 1. I am never fake 2. you always know where you stand with me 3. We usually don't like the same people and because they can tell I don't like them they don't try to make much small talk. (Luke is as selfish as I am.)
13: I worked for a non-profit organization in college, lobbied in DC for the National Arctic Wildlife Refuge bill, and met Ralph Nader. Bush promtly dismantled it when he got in office.
12: I'm a democrate and my husband used to be Union.
11: My parents are upper-class republicans. Political disscussions are fun around the Thanksgiving table.
10: On breaks from college, I walked around the house with Al Frankin's Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot to piss my Dad off. He in turn would get me out of bed to watch his late night talk show. I bought him Al's most recent book for christmas last year(The lies...). Tee hee.
9: I love to go camping and hiking, we go at least every other weekend until October. My parents idea of camping is staying at a Holiday Inn. Sometimes we all wonder aloud, just where the hell I came from.
8: You mess with my family, I'll make your life hell.
7: My husband wants kids now, I want to wait 2 years. I made him watch Desperate Houswives last year and I'm afraid he is trying to pull a Carlos. I am thinking of buying a lock box from my birth control.
6: I am still a daddy's girl.
5: I enjoy growing my hair long and then chopping it off.
4: I am obsessed with Celebrity Poker. I love to play texas hold'um. Two of my favorite things in one! Kick Ass!
3: I hate watching more than one game of football, so I try to manipulate Sunday's to get my husband out of the house and over to Tom's. Usually bringing up my feelings about something gets him outta there pretty quick. I will also resort to fake crying, yeah I do.
2: I still love starting water fights, I have supersokers in my trunk at all times.
1: I will watch Saved by the Bell reruns on TV. Yes, I just saw the one where Jessi is addicted to diet pills (speed) and gives her little "I'm so excited, I'm so so scared Zack!" speech. She was robbed of an emmy.

100 things about Rit (ok first 60 or so, I have to leave right now)

100: I am the oldest of four children
99: My Dad really wanted a boy first, so I played every sport there was
98: My Mom really wanted a girl first, so I took jazz, tap and ballet until I was 15
97: I was a very confused tomboy/princess
96: I used to sing all the time when I was little, The Sun will Come Out, Sympathy for the Devil, Stairway to Heaven, my Dad made me listen to his music and now I am eternally grateful
95: I wore my Wonder Woman underoos with my red cowboy boots and a laso I made everwhere for 6 months. I protected the neighborhood from evildoers.
94: When my parents sat me down to tell me that I was having a little sis/bro, I thought the big news was that they were taking me to disney world. Oh well, she ended up being fun to play with.
93: Even though we are 4 years apart, my mom dressed my sister and I in matching outfits until I was 7.
92: I thought I would one day grow up to be the rollerskating campion of the world. I don't know if they even have such a thing, but I lived in those suckers and dreamed big!
91: We have a surprise for you..."We're going to Disney World!" Nope, I was fooled again Mom is pregnant. My sister is pissed. She ends up trying to flush my brother down the toliet.
90: Ever year I asked Santa for a dog. The bastard never gave me one. Resentment is still burning against that jolly fat prick!
89: I went to 5 different schools by the time I was in fourth grade because we moved alot.
88: I went to catholic schools until I was eighteen.
87: I was not tempted to assume a disney trip the time they told me about my brother, "happy surprise" Joey.
86: My neighbor and I would put on plays all the freakin time. We did "the amy fischer story" and dressed up my 3 year old brother Joey as Joey Buttafuocco. We made him say "Man that chick is fine." I played Mary Jo and was quite good at paralyzing one side of my face. Some of the other parents were horrified, ours were drunk off margeritas and fell out of their chairs.
85: I had a perm in the 6th grade.
84: I was pretty bossy.
83: I had a crush on this older guy down the street. He was 13, I was 11. He wore biker shorts with a tee shirt.
82: I smoked a cig the first time on a camping trip on my 13th birthday. I puked.
81: I was a scared to do anything wrong up until then.
80: I had my first kiss when I was a freshman in highschool with a boyfriend that looked like Jude Nelson in The Breakfast Club.
79: That night I also got drunk for the first time and smoked without puking.
78: I was president of my class, student council president in later years, and played basketball.
77. I dated a guy just because my best friend was dating his best friend and she told him I liked him. I didn't. He broke up with me first. I was pissed off.
76: I dated alot of guys because of one reason and one reason alone, my parents would hate them.
75: I was preppy until my junior year in highschool, then I tried out grunge. Not a look I pulled off successfully.
74. I partied my ass off in Highshool.
73: I was the female Eddie Haskell, which was good for all the partying.
72: I threw a party when my parents went out of town while I was grounded for 300 people. I got totally busted.
71: I went to an all girls highschool where nuns still taught.
70: I loved to argue that all the miracles in the Bible had scientific explanations just to see the nuns eyes bug out of there heads.
69: I spent alot of time in detention.
68: I went to church 6 days a week until I was 14.
67: I wrote in a journal from the sixth grade until today.
66: I majored in Art.
65: I majored in Sociology.
64: I majored in Marketing and Public Relations.
63 I majored in Graphic Art.
62: I majored in Early childhood education.
61: I majored in Sex. (Kidding)
60: I was undeclared for awhile.
59: I was kicked out of Mizzou for getting a 0.25. I majored in boys and beer, too.
58: It is easy to get back in school, but my parents rightfully cut me off.
57: I like to learn things the hard way.
56: I had a boyfriend for 3 years in highschool.
55. I didn't date anyone seriously again until I was 20.
54: That lasted 1 year.
53: I saw 10 grateful dead shows and the last one before Jerry died.
52: I don't like Phish.
51: I love Dave Matthews, my husband knows I would leave him for Dave. Yep!
50: I started dating my husband when I was 22. We were roomates at the time.
49: He is 2 years younger than me.
48. I never have dated anyone my age, much less younger. It freaked me out. I wouldn't go on a date with him for 6 months.
47. I met my husband because I was dating his roomate. They kicked him out because he was a total pothead and asked me to move in...so was I at the time. Tee, hee.
46: That was the biggest party house I have ever lived in, our roomate Laura hated us.
45: Well me.
42: I worked at Famous Barr in the fragrance department for 2 years during college. I spent most of my paycheck on clothes and shoes.
41: I love getting mani's and pedi's.
40: I don't do it as often and I would like too.
39: I am anal retentive when it comes to my house, living with a boy has been trying.
38: My car is a moving trash can. What can I say I am a walking contradiction!
37: Luke and I broke up for a year and a half, ran into each other and started dating again. Now we are married.

Names have been changed so I don't end up grounded!!
I didn't get to see Laguna last night. Lightening didn't strike my house again, thank god, I had a little old school drama. I'm 28, my uncle Keff is 34. There is a reason for this information, oh yes and it is classic.

My uncle left me a message last night and I get back to him at 8:45. Mistake #1. He tells me that he got a call from my Aunt Tue. Taking a call from her...Mistake #2. It's always drama, drama, drama. She tells him that when she took Mema (my grandma) to lunch the other day, she was very upset. You see, it seems my Mom (Qam) somehow let slip that my uncle Keff and uncle Nike used to buy me beer in high school. Which they didn't actually do, we just partied together and I usually already had the beer. Tue was upset with Keff. She said Mema was crying and upset. Crying? Neither of us can see that, Mema's a strong Irish Catholic lady, pissed would be our guess. Keff asked me what the hell I told my mom. "I don't freaking remember, that was like 10 years ago and I certainly would not have told her then." He agreed this seemed unlikely. So tonight I get to call aunt Tue and ask her what the hell went down with Mema, as in "I'm going to have to have lunch with Mema to smooth this over, so what really was said." Also, her kids used to party with us too and I'm going to tell her and Mema. So there!

Then I called my mom and asked her why the hell she told Mema this and she was like...huh? Then it hit her. "Shit, I was commenting on how overprotective Keff is with his son and was laughing that he used to buy beer and party with you. She didn't seem upset then." Thanks mom, thanks a million. Your flappy yappy not only put me and Keff in the dog house with Mema 10 years after the fact, I have now missed Laguna. It was 9:40.

Just in case you were worried that I had maybe gone all deep on you and shit, a My Fair Brady & Breaking Bonaduce post. Hells to the yeah! (my own version of Being Bobby Brown's Whitney catch phrase "Hell to the no!")

Peter Brady can't handle Adrianne talking about their sex life to everyone. Ok, but you have no problem with the cameras on you 24 hours a day for VH1? I've seen your girlfriend whipping you while she is in skimpy lingerie. Yep, you really are a private person Chris/Peter Brady.

Oh my Bonaduce. Danny broke his hand while doing Karate (Like Ross from friends, I pronounce it ka-ra-tay), then managed to flip out about something stupid and piss his wife off. His poor shrink, I love the look of "Are you freakin' kidding me with this shit you crazy m-fucker!?" that comes over his face with some of the things Danny says. Then the crazy is trying to blame their problems on seeing the shrink. Yeah, you're right. It is counciling that is your problem, not the steriod use or your serious anger problem. Next week he starts drinking again and I wonder if he will blame it on The Partridge Family van somehow?

The wedding was awesome, but very hectic. I stayed up until 2 am thursday night even though I had to meet Karen at 10 am AFTER I went to buy Luke's shirt. If I don't have to work on a weekday, I think it is a holiday. I'm nuts.

Here is the plan for friday. 10am meet Karen and Molly (bridesmaid) at Karen's. Go out to the Pit to drop off my flower arrangement kit and make sure I know where everything is. Go to lunch. Get my hair cut at 2. Get our mani's and pedi's at 3:30 and be at the rehearsal at 6 pm dinner to follow. Here is what happened:

8:00 am- wake up very tired and drink a pot of coffee. I shower and go to the mall. I am thanking God that Famous Barr is open early today, because otherwise my dumb ass would have been waiting until the mall opened at 10 am. And I was complaining that they didn't have shit planned.

9:30 am - I am looking at shoes, I tried not too but I couldn't help myself. Molly calls and said she is running late. Kick ass, more time for shoes!

10:15 am- I leave the mall with a shirt for Luke, cute shoes, and a Venti double shot house coffee from starbucks and head for Karen's. I am wired for sound, people!

11:00 am- Molly arrives and we head off. We continually say "Karen's getting married tomorrow/today, Woo Hoo!" until she says I do. We are obnoxious, but she knows it. Hey, we think it is fun, and we did it for my wedding. Karen says we have to stop and buy some tiki torches. Walmart is all out. We call several places and they are all out. My Berizon 411 operator and I are now on a first name basis. I get the number for Lowe's and they connect me with someone speaking spanish. I took four years and only know the word for beer, which I need alreay. I hang up and say fuck it, we will just drive there and hope for the best. Molly and Karen are in Molly's car and while we are on the way I call Luke to see where a Home Depot is on the way to the pit just in case. He tells me they also need 10-15 Off candles and Tom needs some chew. I am thrilled by this. Lowe's has the candles and tiki torches and off we go to a gas station for some chew, gas, and something without caffeine for yours truely.

12:30 pm- We arrive at the pit. We take the crap out of my car and I put my flower kit somewhere where it will be safe. I check on everthing I need, I'm good. Karen forgot the chew, so she and Molly leave to get it. I help move tables & chairs around while constantly looking at my watch. It is 1:00 pm.

We throw lunch down the hatch, run to get my hair cut, and then the mani's and pedi's. The rest of the day went pretty smooth.

Saturday 5:15 am- Yes, 5 freakin' 15 in the morning. Tom, Luke, Mike (good friend) and myself are going to the pit to finish getting stuff ready. We show up at Tom's and he unlocks the door naked. I get to see Tom's single naked butt for the last time. It was a moving moment. Off we go. We set up tables, chairs, tiki torches, and I check on my flower kit. It has been pilfered. I am not happy, no sir. I question the men, they have no answers. Off I go to buy new flower kit, shower, and be at the church at 12:15 for the flower delivery.

9:45 am- Luke calls they need 2 white tableclothes for the gift and cake tables. I tell him I will add it to my list.

11:00 am -Four stores and 5 "luke" calls later, I am Target looking for tableclothes and my phone rings again. They need table numbers, reserved signs, and still the damn tableclothes. I hear a loud noise, I think it was something in my head. I see a friend of mine walking by. I yell her name and she turns around and looks at me with a "What the hell are you doing in paint covered pants and a t-shirt, tennis shoes, and your hair a mess when the wedding is in 3 hours. I unload on her, she looks scared.

11:30 am- I run into my house and fling what I have bought on the floor while ripping off my clothes. I almost took out my husband as he is trying to leave to pick up the wedding party and drop them off at the church.

12:00 pm - I am dropping off my husbands shirt at Tom's (he forgot it) and he looks awesome. He tells me I look beautiful and I do look hot even though I only had 20 minutes to get ready(no matter what, I will always be conceted). Tears start to well up, but no time for that. I fix his hair and fly off to the church.

12:20 pm- I arrive in time for the flowers and am freaking out because they were delivered differently than I was told and I don't know how I am going to fit them in my car. Whatever. Karen gets there and looks beautiful. We have fun hanging out and getting ready.

1:15 pm - I pass out mothers and grandmothers flowers while trying to dodge the pastor who is very pissed off that my husband and Tom haven't gotten there yet.

2:00 pm - Tom and Luke arrived 5 minutes earlier and 50 people are standing in line waiting to be seated. I tell the ushers to stop having people sign the guest book and I pass out programs. The ceremony starts 5 minutes later. Karen is beautiful.

2:30pm - I have Mike help me push my seats forward and get the flowers in my car. I am driving like an eighty year old woman with the steering wheel a inch from my boobs. I go to the store I called that has the tableclothes, table numbers, and reserved signs. I stop by a florist to get more flowers (not enough) and get flowers for an arrangement for the gift table.

3:30pm- I tear up to the Pit screaming for the guys to help me get the stuff in. I have to arrange 30 centerpieces, 2 gift table arrangement, put out table numbers, put flowers on the cake, set & lights votives and get dressed by 4:45.

4:45pm- All done, I'm happy.

5:15pm - Mike the MC tells all of us to look out on the lake. There in a boat are Tom and Karen floating across the sunkissed water. The speakers blare Hank Williams Jr.'s "Family Tradition". (Tom, like my husband are from small towns and they love their country). "Hank, why do you drink" Me and Mike "To get drunk" Hank "Why do we roll smoke" now some of the other guests with us "To get stoned"...
I start to bawl. Two years ago Tom was in a hospital and had just been diagnosed with cancer. A year of chemo, spleen removal, numerous hospital stays, and unemployment, we didn't know if he was going to make it. Tom met Karen 5 months after his diagnosis, she joined our little family. As I watched my old friend beaming with happiness and love because of this wonderful girl who is now my new friend, I remembered those times I was just happy when he took another breath. We spent the night dancing our asses off laughing and crying. It was an amazing night and I just couldn't stop smiling, even at 6 am the next day breaking everything down in the rain.

So, today is my last day of work for the week. Karen and Tom's wedding is this weekend, and tomorrow is a day filled with getting my hair did and a mani & pedi. I'm getting all excited for my three day weekend when I realise that I don't have the shirt that Luke is wearing in the wedding!

Let me back up. I have not been commenting on this wedding and I will not really go into it to much since, well this is the freakin' internet. I have not let any of my friends know the address to my blog, you know in case I want to call one of them a slut or something. But here we go, this wedding has potential to be a huge disaster. Outdoor reception-no tents in case of rain, girls really fancy ($260 not including alterations fancy), guys wearing suits ($80 my husband made a face & looked at me w/ disgust suit) with no ties, and the reception is at a place called The Pit. No shit. I don't even think I could make something like this up. If any of you have seen father of the bride, you know Maculay's younger brother even knows that you don't want the words THE PIT on a wedding invitation. Whatever. I get an excuse to have a mani & pedi which I desperately need, and my husband gets to put tables and chairs up at a place called the pit all day. (The pit is not bad, it is many acres of land with a man made lake on it and wood deck that we will dance the night away on. It is, however uncovered, has one bathroom and called The Pit)

Oh by the way, anything that she still hasn't done we are doing tomorrow. One example would be her programs. Yep, her programs still weren't even brought to a kinko's or someplace as of last night. Here's a little clue as to how organized this wedding is. I'm doing the centerpieces (which I was asked to do 2 weeks ago), and when we were going over all the info I needed last week here is the conversation:

Rit: How many centerpieces do you need?
K: Uh, I don't know?
Rit: Do you want one on every table?
K: Yes.
Rit: Well, how many tables do you have?
K: Um, I think 20. (260 people at this wedding)
Rit: Uh, Karen you might want to figure that out. Are the tables an 8 top or 10 top?
K: What?
Rit: How many people can sit at each table?
K: Oh, 10 I think.
Rit: Where are you going to seat the other 60 people?
K: Uh, uh, I uh.
Rit: Ok, figure it out and let me know tomorrow so I know I have enough of everything. (she didn't figure it out until this monday) Ok, what kind of arrangement do you want on the gift table?
K: Gift table?

I will end the conversation there. I don't feel bad for her at all. Four months ago I found out just how much they hadn't done (she had her dress and bridesmaid dresses...that's it for a freakin' 260 people wedding!) and wrote her a list of wedding must do's with order of importance. I have done alot of it with her, and want her day to be awesome. I'm just crossing my fingers now...my 'soon to be mani'd & not at work tomorrow' fingers.

Have a great weekend all!

"I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is" chorus from her song

Take it for just what it is? Ok, she is double fisting squared, and I will not back up off her. A little red, a little white, and using a straw with wine. Tisk, Tisk.

She must learn from what has now become of Tara Reid. Lindseydise does not have a good ring to it. Lindsey, this is you in 5 years little girl.

Sing it! Can't you just hear Cindy Lauper going to town. Nicole, caffine just isn't going to cut it. How about a bagel, a salad, a freakin' cracker. Do your part people, send a gift card for Taco Bell to Nicole Richie c/o Feed the Socialite.

Yes, my mom and I spoke last night, but I also stayed up until 11:30pm to watch Laguna Beach. Luke was mad because last week we traded a half hour of Laguna for a night of football and it was not on at 5:30, my super sweet bitches were on. I'm not watching football for that, only Laguna and maybe Breaking Bonaduce, not those spoiled bitches.

Boy, did Jessica lay down and die. Not only did she have a ginormous hickey on her neck the whole freakin' time, but she pouted and hid like the scared little girl I knew she was the whole Cabo trip. Sad, sad. Doesn't everyone know the cardinal rules of highschool survival? 1. Never hide, always hang out infront of "angry person" while laughing and talking to your friends thus ensuring they never know you are scared. Highschool bitches can smell fear, I still can. 2. Never admitt you are a slut. Ever. Even if you are, for the love of all dignity and things holy don't admitt your whoreness. Jessica, how do you not know these things? Alex walked all over you. Unfortunately Alex reminded me of myself in highschool a little bit. I was an ass. But Alex, the laughing in her face after she got Jess to admitt said whoredom-that is rule number 3. LOVED IT!

Kristen has it right, stay somewhat neutral and party your ass off. She is highschool fabulous!

I still don't get Jason's appeal, but I have changed his name from The Walking Pube to The Hickey Monster. He likes them hickey's! Anywho, when Alex went to stalk The Hickey Monster and Cedric "The Fairy" sidekick playing basketball, all resemblance of me or anyone with dignity went out the window. She just wants more hickey's, with the "I still have feelings for you" and "Why haven't you called me". Yuck. I thought she was going to be the smart one. When someone you have been dating for about a week cheats on you, uh you don't go out with them anymore.

Next week looks promising, I guess they all figure out Casey is a waste of hair extensions. I can't wait. 'Til next Monday, unless my house gets struck by lighting again, happy Laguna to all you Sluts out there!

I really wonder what kind of fraud this man inflicted upon our Bridget Jones on coke. I mean look at him. So manly, so handsome, opps I was looking at a picture of Matthew McConaughey. What the hell kinda outfit is that? Don't wear pink and stand like that, Kenny. You are making these assumptions too easy my friend. Hey, you want to go shopping together?

Talk about bad hair on your yearbook picture day. I can't believe it is she who gets jiggy wit it! I don't think after this she got any jiggy, no sir.

I've been slammed at work, so this week is not condusive to my blogging. Damn!

Last night was fabulous, we had tornado warnings and rain & wind that made the windows shake. I'm sitting down to prepare for my Laguna lovefest when the freakin' electricity went out. Three hours later, I'm still sitting in the candle light with my husband playing cards wondering (imagine our bubble thoughts), how bad was drunken Cabo? Did anyone scream at Kristen that she was a slut? Why do these people like to get drunk and yell at "Slut" at each other? Oh, nevermind. Who doesn't get drunk at yell "slut" at their friends? I went to Cancun my senior year. Luke was probably thinking, Hey, maybe I will get to watch football all night tomorrow like last week, no electricity rocks? She sure is the greatest wife in the world, so pretty and fantabulous. All right, he was just probably thinking the first thought.

At midnight I awaken to the loudest noice I have ever heard right above my head. Luke even woke up. I jumped up and tried the lights, no go. I start to smell something funny, um like a burning smell. Yep, our freakin' condo was struck by lighting. I stood outside in the pouring rain trying to see if the roof was burning. Luke is on the porch out of the rain smoking, telling me to settle down. I then start racking my brain for what I would go back in the house for should it start burning to the ground. This is what my totally panicked brain decided was most important to me in the whole wide world. Yes, the whole wide world. My wedding album and 700 proofs, my cell phone, the file cabinet upstairs, my favorite high healed shoes,my favorite boots and my jewelry. I'm in my nightgown, could you just see the fire trucks pulling up to the house with a screaming girl in a wet white thing in 3 inch black heals, decked out in tons of jewelry, carrying her cell phone, some boots, huge bag (wedding album & 700 proofs inside) and her husband trailing her with a file cabinet and a smoke hanging from his calm ass mouth.

What would you save, since your houses are as ficticiously burning down as mine was.

I have become a slave to reality shows. You all know of my obsession with Laguna Beach. This weekend I spent countless hours trying to convince my friends that have not yet fallen in L-U-V with Laguna, to watch the show. Friday night was a girls night and my friend Lacy and I talked of nothing else, my other friends looked on with amused skepticism. My husband had to sit through couples evening on Saturday listening to me go on and on about it. He has decided I am lost, or have lost my mind. Whatever.

Luke went over to Tom's to watch football with the guys on Sunday afternoon, so what I do? Laundry? A little. Cook? Threw stuff for chili in a pot and left in on low. Clean? A smidge. But like Lewis and Clark I went exploring on my TV and low and behold, I discovered two new shows. Breaking Bonaduce and My Fair Brady. Really, who doesn't want to see a crazy, alcoholic, drug addicted, workout freak, steroid using, adulterer going through counseling with his alanon needing wife? By the same token who doesn't want to watch Peter Brady and his live in 22 year old America's next top Model star bitch, moan and cry their way through Mother Brady's "career change to a psychatrist" counciling sesson? I am not crazy, nor have I lost my mind. This is good TV in my book. Shit, maybe I need a hobby?

Last night after staring into the freezer for a half hour trying to figure out what to cook, I admitted to myself that I didn't want to cook. So I didn't. We ordered carry out, which means we play "I call not picking it up". We said it at the same time 5 times before we decided to just go together. I am damn lazy. When we get to the carry out counter we wait. They said 15 minutes, we waited 20 minutes and Luke gets bored easy. On the counter is a huge thing of toosie pops. Luke eagerly asked me "Hey, do you think these are free?" I stare at him. "Why, would the extra 25 cents added to our order break us?" He says "God, I was just wondering." I forget this silliness because now I'm really hungry and we've been standing here forever. A little blond girl finally comes over to us and before I can tell her the name of our pick up order Luke says "Hey, are these for free." She just kinda looks at him weird and told him yes. I'm wondering why he cares so much. I give her our name and pay for the food. I turn around to say something to my husband and he has five sticks hanging out of his mouth. Five. I almost wet myself!

I wonder when we are old and go to Shoney's at 4:00pm for the dinner buffet if he is going to act like my Granny and bring plastic baggies to pilfer food home.

Do you remember the first season of Real World? Those were they days. By no means was it ever real, but come on, what is up this this show lately. We had Kevin, the token angry black man. He was intelligent, well spoken and angry. Good things. Norm was our token gay person. Talented in art as well as flamboyant. The first seven castmates were shown in various stages of young life trying to make it in their careers of choice. Do you remember Julie the 18 year old virgin dancer who has never really been anywhere outside of Alabamba? Yes, they used to have virgins on the show.

I blame Seatlle. It was a good season, but there was lots of drinking and hook ups. Yes, this is entertaining, but now that's all you have. They are all the same freakin' age, I haven't seen a 25 year old on the show in forever. Do these people have anything else going on? I rarely watch. The random shows I've seen are a joke. This season doesn't even pretend to have any individuals on it. How can they. There has not been an angry black man since Seatlle, where is the artistic gay person, where is the bat-shit nuts white-chick (Ilene, Beth,etc), and the hot heartbreaker (Danny, Wes, oh please). I know this may seem sterotypical and I'm not trying to be, but how many times can you watch drunk college age kids have sex with each other. I'm saying two, maybe three seasons tops. Real World has inflicted Trishelle on the world, and for this I can never forgive them. First the downward spiral of this show and then the VMAs. I am very pissed of at MTV. If it weren't for Laguna I would write them and tell them they suck.

Even Puck is better than this crap!

I just ran into a coffee house after lunch to get a really expensive cup of java because I'm pretenious. Hanging out in the place were a bunch of fake hippies. I hate fake hippies. They sit in a coffee house spending $5 on a cup of coffee playing Phish and the Dead on their Ipods discussing the state of our environment and the corporate war mongers and then jump in the SUV their daddy bought them with a save the planet bumper sticker on it. Um, you're all assholes. Every last one of you fake hippies. Most of them shave too. Hippies don't shave or drive gas whores like SUVs! Jerry Garcia is rolling over in his grave, shit Janis too! I bet they don't even recycle. The Idealistic little shitheads have no idea what the real hippies even stood for. I know because my uncle is a real one and he isn't a total fan of fake hippies either, he is just too stoned to care. Ok and he's much nicer than me. They talk about how Starbucks and Walmart are corporate and ruining this country. I love me some starbucks! Walmart and Home Depot too. I'm proud to be a lazy, coffee guzzling, SUV driving, lover of corporate goods.

You poor little baby. Not only do you have the richest white trash people for parents, you have a really long name. I have a really long name and it sucks, but the white trash parents part really blows. Well anyway, good luck at your rich fancy school wearing really baggy pants, doo rags, and having had no shower for a week. Your gonna fit right in. I got your gift off of your Mamma's registry. Watch out, your Dad might try and bum them off of you. Lesson number one from your Auntie Rit: He's kind of a mooch.

Above image from here sadly all you need to do is type in white trash on google images and about 15 KFed & Brit pictures show up

Your Daddy Is George Clinton

What You Call Him: Big Daddy Why You Love Him: You don't love him, you just love calling him "daddy"

I was on Heather's blog and she has a link to the above site. I saw a link that says Who's your Daddy with a picture of Ozzy Osborn. I thought, cool I wonder who my Dad is like. So I typed in my Dad's name and Arnold "It's not a tooma" Schwarzennager (I don't even care if it's spelled right) came up. It told me I loved him because he spanks me hard. I threw up a little in my mouth. Sometimes I still amaze myself at how stupid I can be. This is who my Daddy is when I put my husband's name in.

It's been a slow day in the world of things I find interesting. Yes, this generation's Beverly Hillbillies are birthin' their little hick today, but oh just what can I post besides all things Laguna. Inspiration. My little recap of the lastest Laguna episode got me thinking of the days of the telephone, saved by the bell and stealing alcohol from my parents. I think they drank screwdrivers with OJ and water and Jack Daniels was flat pepsi until I graduated from highschool.

My 10 year reunion is in two weeks and I can't go because I am in a wedding, but it got me thinking. Oh, to be young and carefree and use like 12 times in a sentence and still be understood by people. Sometimes I just miss it. No rent or any real bills of any kind, mom made dinner, and my biggest worry was who was talking shit about me. You know, so I could fix it. Quick. I hear people say they would never go back to highschool and I wonder why. Sure adolescence is painful and drama filled. How often do you get to throw a fit after your husband tells you to stop buying so many shoes on the credit card by yelling that he is ruining your life while motioning wildly then throwing yourself on your bed and telling him that Allison's husband lets her buy as many shoes as she wants? When do you get to call your boss on threeway with a client and get him to admitt that he blamed insert mistake on you and when it was really his fault? How often do can you get people at work to like you by threatening them with not inviting them to your party next week when your husband goes out of town because you are totally like getting your brother to buy a keg. How often do you sit around with your girlfriends making fun of another girl's outfit...wait we still do that.

Oh, well. Congrats KFed & Britney, I hope the baby can keep up with his Daddy's Baby's momma's thoughout the years. Cheers!

Love triangles suck, well only if you're in them. PoPo gave her update on the latest episode of our like favorite show, but I have some thoughts I would like to like express and stuff.

I missed Monday's episode and if you read my blog this may or may not have reduced me to a crying, blubbering, kleenex using mess. (I feel very volunerable right now having posted that yesterday). So I get home last night and low and behold Monday's episode is on at 5:30. I beg my husband to watch it, promising that the rest of the night we could watch football. By 6:15 I am regreting this "bargin", but at 5:30 I'm watching excitedly as The Alex's, who apparently used to be friends but something happened that the MTV producers didn't think was very important to let us in on, make up and plan a fun filled bonfire to unite The Cliques. I am hoping this is like the time I was in highschool and we had a similar Cliques Unite shindig. We had a huge keg party and bought some Odoul's and gave it to the other clique and after they drank it and acted drunk, we outed them to the whole party. I was an evil bitch. Funny, but evil.

I'm hoping this "We are the World" summit goes similarly well, which it doesn't. No huge drama. Just Clueless Casey walking on the beach in high heals. We all had this friend, the one everyone wonders why they are still around but somehow they get invited just the same. Oh yeah, Alex M and Jessica talk. Alex tells her that she would never kiss Jason infront of her out of respect and Jessica tells her that she was not mad that Jalex are dating, just bummed. Then Jalex make out a bunch as Jessica angerly looked on.



Jason calls Jessica to hang out. They do. Someone named Cammy, who we never see but who has first knowledge of all drama, walks in on Jassica making out. Alex is pissed and has started to remind me of Crazy Jessica. She actually said "She's going to see the Wrath of Alex." I want to see the Wrath of Alex, is it coming to theaters soon? The previews next week suggest that on Spring Break, drunken antics ensue and Drunk Alex is pissed at Drunk Jessica and tries to out her whoredom. Question, didn't Alex go to Winter Formal with Jason when he was still with Jessica? Didn't rumors fly that they were hooking up? Turn about seems fair play and I for one think that Alex is just pissed that she gets Jessica's sloppy seconds. I mean really, Jason better be good at given the girls their cookies because a conversationalist he is not. I will never get The walking Pube's appeal.



My husband thinks I've lost it, watching this highschool show. He didn't complain much, although that could be because he knew he had hours of football ahead of him.

It is 2:06 on Tuesday afternoon and I'm going for more coffee. Last night, only six hours of sleep. Reason, I'm overly tired and I have PMS. What does this mean? I have an emotional hangover from last night's two and a half hour cry fest that included lots of snot and kleenex. Let me back up a bit.

Yesterday my husband had taken the day off from work and came to visit me at my job with flowers. Yep, that was sweet. Twenty minutes later we are having a disagreement. I'm being overly sensitive which I'm not used to which I don't particularly like and I don't want to admit, and he is telling me just that. I finally conceed, he leaves and we still like each other. I had a bunch of crap to do after work and got home around 9:40 pm pissed off that I missed Laguna Beach and that I'm watching the My Super Sweet Sixteen bitches again. I hate them and I'm not going into it (I wrote about it earlier this month). I had gotten into a disagreement with one of my friends yesterday and decided to tell Luke about it when we got in bed to start the much needed sleeping. I'm not a big fan of crying, so I don't do it often. Yes, Rit is emotionally retarded but I'm trying to work on it. I took a pretty good stab at it last night by bursting into tears. My husband looked shocked, not quite as shocked as me, but shocked none the less. Two hours later I'm on the patio with an army of dead tissues at my feet, chain smoking and crying so hard that I'm crying harder just hearing myself. It was a real moment.

I woke up this morning late to find that I cried so hard my eye balls hurt. What is that? I had to stick ice on my puffy skin so that I could get my make up on. Then I raced out the door and here I am still tired, drinking coffee wondering... What the hell was I crying for? Huh? Are PMS and lack of sleep cocksuckers that make me cry? Do I L-U-V Laguna Beach that much? Did I just realise that the President of my country could be replaced with a monkey? Did pondering why the hell Kimberly Stewart is in ANY magazine finally make me snap?

Um, this is uh, do I really need to say anything here? Elijah Wood. Is he on crack or simply near it?

I can't decide if he looks happy or freaked out to be that close to a vagina.

Because I am all cracked out on coffee due to my decision to not sleep much this weekend, I started thinking about other dumb things I've done. There are many. One of my favorite's is the time I crashed into the ATM machine. Yes crashed. With my car. I was sixteen. I didn't even have an ATM card. SMART!

My friend Claire and I decided to drive around. I don't remember if we had a destination, but when your sixteen and just got your license, do you need a one? Hell no! So we are crusin' listening to a mix tape when she asks to go to the ATM. It was one that was attached to the bank building. She tells me to pull up the wrong way so she can use the ATM through her window. I proceed to pull up very, very far from the window. I am trying to pull up again and as she is saying "Pull in closer you moron" I gas it and slam into the damn machine. Mouths agape staring at my car having sex with the ATM, ruff sex (money did not come out, it did later come out of my parent's pockets though). Claire yells for me to drive off. I do. Brillant. Blues Traveller's "It won't me a thing in a 100 years" is playing on the mix tape. Claire tells me that this won't mean a thing in 100 years. I don't believe her.

We show up at my boyfriend's work hyterical. He pointed out that ATMs have cameras and I might want to go back, oh and that I am a dumbass. I don't like him much right then.

As we drive up to the ATM, cops have swarmed it. The police station is directly across the street. Great. This is the county, not the city. I soon learned that county cops take ATM hit and runs very seriously. I walk into the station and tell the person at the front desk that it was I who hit the ATM across the street that has half of their police force occupied. The lady tells me to take a seat. Twenty minutes later a police officer walks out of the back with a box in his hands. He talks to the lady and she points at me. He walks over to me slowly and is shaking the box back and forth. He gets up infront of me and and holds out the box and says "Is this your car?" In the box is peices of a headlight. I say "If it is from the ATM across the street, yes it is." I am a bit confused because I did just walk in and tell them I hit it. This confusion was apparently obvious on my face and this cop meant business and did not appreciate it. "Show me the vehicle in question Ma'am." I took this to mean he wanted to see my car, so we walked to it. He went around to the driver side, glared at me and then walked over to the passenger side. "Ma' am, this damage is on the passenger side." I say "Yes, it is."
He said "Now why would the damage be on this side, it is clearly marked by arrows on the ground that you should pull up to the ATM with the drivers side by it. From this damage, I believe you pulled up to the ATM illegally." Me "Yes I did." Copper "Why would you need to do that." me" I don't even have and ATM card. My friend has one and wanted to do the transaction herself." In the end he made up some ticket for going in the ATM the wrong way, hit and run, and destruction of property. The bank didn't want to press charges so I only had the wrong way ATM ticket and we had to paid for all the damages.

I learned 2 things from this. One, I am dumb. Two, county cops are very serious. Three weeks later 4 of my friends and I were driving home at 11:55 pm. We weren't speeding and were pulled over. The cop came up to the car yelling for us to put our hands up. He yelled and asked us if we had any drugs and alcohol in the car because he had to shoot a guy on pot (yes he said pot and shoot) the night before. He probably was all crazy wanting some Taco Bell threatening to watch the cop's TV for hours on end. That shit is serious. Don't do drugs kids. He gave us a curfew ticket.

My car was broken into in the city. The cops didn't come, they were too busy dealing with shootings and drug dealers, maybe dealing with other cops shooting crazy kids on the pot?

Girls weekend was awesome, but I have had 6 hours of sleep since Friday and I think I might actually be insane. When people look at you wide-eyed and say "Uh, hey, you might want to lay off the coffee." and you respond with " don't cut me off man, I really NEED it" something has probably snapped in your brain. I don't think I've blinked in two hours.

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but it was before I had created this blog so give me a break already. I had a Bridal shower for Karen. I was so freakin' excited to use all my entertaining wedding gifts you'd think the uh president, no, pope, no, cast of laguna, no, well someone really, really important was coming over. I sent out the invitations, read Martha Stewart Living, make some crafts out of shit from my yard and waited patiently for the RSVPs. As anyone who has had a wedding can attest, people are assholes about RSVPing, so for me to be amazed by one was unthinkable. But I was. Karen and I became friends because Luke and Tom were roomates and BFFs (haha) so I don't know all of her friends. Here is the conversation I had with one:
names have been changed that aren't mine (because I'm not an idiot )to protect this person cause this was dumb.
Rit: Hello, this is Rit
Cher: Hi, this is Cher, and I'm calling to send in my RSVP.
Silence, yeah I'm still waiting, some more waiting.
Rit: Uh, so will you be coming?
Cher: I don't know yet.
Rit: Uh, what?
Cher: I might have to work and I get my work schedule on Fridays (this is 4 weeks before the shower)
Rit: Hey, how about you call me when you know if you are coming or not, ok.
Cher: Ok
Rit: Bye

I probably should add that she did not ever call back. Apparently since her RSVP was already "sent" she was good. She missed some damn good chicken salad sandwiches and other treats.

Who am I kidding. It's Ladies weekend and I will probably watch reruns and get the first season DVD since I didn't start watching until the last couple of episodes of the first season. Yep.

I know I am not alone in my Laguna Lust among fellow bloggers, but the world at large is starting to follow these young l-u-v-lies like real celebs.

Life with 'Laguna' at a post VMA party at the Delano Hotel the following happened
-mean girl Kristen avoided the other high-school castmates to consentrate her man eating powers on MTV veejay Damien Fahey.
-LC got pissed that Jason was chatting with some hoochie at the pool, so she just started making out with him. Brown Alex who...
- Stephen, sadly is no surprise "I'm not dating anyone right now," he told us as he strutted after Kristen, with LC, as usual, trailing him.

The Times has done a story, even surfing magazine is spending a little time at the "Real O.C." Sure, they just describe how the surf shop that Stephen worked at in season one is annoyed by the 20 some odd calls they get a day for folks asking for Stephen, who doesn't work there anymore, but they wrote a whole article just the same.

Does sucking your cheeks in make you look skinnier? Sure does hurt, but it is good training...

He's out and mister frankferter is in! It's ladies weekend, screw ladies night! Our friends Tom and Karen are getting married, yes it is still on even after Tom ran Karen into the tires when we were go-cart racing. The guys have planned a whole weekend bachelor party. They did this for Luke's and I was pissed. Two weeks before the wedding and he goes out of town, but hey I barely remember it being that bridezilla had taken over my body. Karen is not very happy as well, but I don't care. I get a whole damn party weekend. Who's selfish? I'm selfish. I don't have to come home, who will worry? I can crash at my friends apartments who I am jealous of because they still live in the city and I'm out in suburbland. I' ve been big talk all week (Karen's bachelorette party is Saturday) and at 6 pm this evening when Luke's truck pulls out of the driveway, It's On!

I just know by Sunday I will be all "I miss Luke, blah, blah" but only in my head. I will speak of this to no one. Well, obviously I have spoken of it to all my reader. Shit!

On the way home from work I always listen to The Dave Glover Show on 97.1 talk radio. I only listen every day to that show, the rest is crap like The O'Reilly Factor and The Michael Savage Show, which I only listen to because my mom always told me to keep my friends close and my enemies closer.

Dave's show rocks, me loves it. So anyway, Dave starts talking about how when he was growing up his parents had a room in the house you could never go in. Callers and his co-host decribe the rooms they were not allowed enterance into as well. This got me thinking about a room in my house called the "living room". No one in my freakin' house lived in there. It was like my mom had some sort of silent alarm that went off in her head whenever one of us set a toe in there. There is a white couch, all sorts of antiques, expensive lamps, and other stuff that is worth more than my life (I only know that because my dad would say that everytime the silent alarm went off in my mom's head). People, with four kids is that the kind of upholstery you'd pick? I think the red velvet ropes are still infront of that room, and on Saturday when I go over there...I'm bringing the grape juice and sitting on that damn couch!

So I pose this question to my three or four readers, Did your parents have a "Don't take one more step or your hamster will get it" room. I do not have a room like that in my house yet, so tonight I am declaring my kitchen said room!

Thank goodness! According to the radar online John Travolta and Kelly Preston, Scientology's equivalant to Dick Cheney and wife, swooped into New Orleans with a 400-member Scientology Disaster Response Team already in place.

The couple visited shelters and doled out 1,200 tetanus shots to relief workers while Travolta “showed a demonstration of the ‘assists’ that the Volunteer Ministers are giving and which are helping individuals overcome the trauma of loss of homes and loved ones,” the release stated. (radar online)

Assists are massasges that are used as a recruiting method by scientologists. Yep that's right. John and Kelly are helping people with no homes, food, or bathrooms by giving them massages. I will never understand why people think this is a cult. I mean, when you have lost your home and can't find half of your family, that's when you need a massage the most. I am right or am I right! Hey, they should at least give them a 'happy ending'.

This is the note I found next to my coffee pot:

Luke: Love you hon
Rit: Their coming!
Luke: Who's coming?
Rit: Them, god, garble something or other, with burritos (the "Them, god" had a Napolean Dynomite feel, that's what luke told me)
Luke: Uhhh, burritos? Who's bringing burritos?
Rit: It's sooooooo bad!
Luke: Yeah, I guess it is.
Rit: Why, why do they want to hurt me?
Luke: I don't know, but I'll kick their asses! Is this like the bad sandwiches?
Rit: Sandwiches? Those cocksuckers (beepers get out of my head!) have sandwiches?!

Luke was done at this point and I continued to dream of bad people coming for me with burritos and possibly a bad sandwich or two.


If you are confused by this post, go to my former post "I make no sense, therefore I am"
Stay tuned for the next installment of "Is my subconscience allergic to my favorite foods?"

Tagged by Beepers

10 years ago: I was starting my first semester at Mizzou, drinking lots of beer at Keg parties and trying to make up some good excuses as to why my grades totally sucked. I spent some nights really wasted calling the SAE house (imagine that with greek letters) asking for Brad Pitt while waiting for Domino's Pizza with 10 or so drunk 18 year old girls.

5 years ago: Started working a 9 to 5 (where I am still employed) and trying to adjust to not partying during the week...much. I had met Luke a year earlier and we were still in that "you rock like no other rocks" stage. Well to be honest we are still there, we just broke up 3 times before we got married. Once for 1 month, 1 year, 2 months. I was living with 3 gals in U-City and having too much "wait, we are adults now?" fun.

1 year ago: I had just gotten engaged and my mom was already driving me nuts. We had the reception narrowed down to three places. By narrowed down I mean Luke, my dad, and I had decided- My mom hadn't yet. I am glad that was a year ago!

Yesterday: I drove to work somehow without the ability to move my head. I went home and hung out with a heating pad, IB-Profin, and daytime TV. I had my husband bring home Taco Bell for dinner, as I was in too much pain to cook. I watched Real World (sucked) and Laguna Beach episodes I have already seen. Kiss my ass if you think that's lame...I don't need your approval!

5 Snacks I enjoy: Snack packs (any flavor really), Ben & Jerry's Half Baked, Reese Peanut Butter Cups, Cheetos, and olives (black & green). Crap, maybe I should lie and say fruit or something!

5 Songs I know all the words to:
"When you say nothing at all" Allison Krauss (cheesy yes, but I sang this to my husband at our wedding)
"It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)" REM
"Ice, Ice Baby" Vanilla Ice (Tina & Beepers, we rock. I learned that I know all the words last week at my husbands poker night, hells yeah those other guys were freakin' jealous of my hubby!)
"Baby got Back" Sir mix-a-lot (my dad got drunk at my 21 b-day and sang this Karaoke)
"Blister in the Sun" Violent Femmes

5 Things I Would Do With $100 Million: Buy a house with lots of acreage in the country & a house in Destin, Florida. Pay the student loans off for: me, Luke, my sis & her finance, his sis & brother-in-law, and pay for college for my 2 brothers and his youngest sis. Invest a ginormous amount and live off the interest. Of course charities especially for Diabetes (Luke has), breast cancer, really lets say any cancer, lots of other stuff that will make you think I care about other people. But I will donate 1 million dollars to get Ben Stein to admitt that there is such a thing as global warming!

5 Places I Would Run Away To: Italy, Colorado, Greece (thank you Taradise), Virgin Islands, and My parent's house.

5 Things I Would Never Wear: Mall bangs/Aqua Net (again), Anything in Paris Hilton's closet, Pink tutu, fake stick on boo-bees (wore them on my wedding day, gross), turqouis eye-liner .

5 Favorite TV Shows: Deadwood, Laguna Beach, Seinfeld (I still watch reruns), Buffy the vampire slayer (same as above), and Reno 911.

5 Biggest Joys: The relationship I have with my mom (not the best for a long time). The smile on my husbands face when I do something crazy and he can't help but love me. Sitting on my patio in the morning with a good cup o' starbucks & a smoke, thanking God for my wonderfully "boring" life. Hanging out with my bitches laughing our asses off. Hanging out with my sister and brothers repeating lines from all our favorite movies (anything Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Babyjewels-my brother does a mean Arnie!). This is how we communicate with each other, hey somehow it works. It's like our own little op language.

5 Favorite Toys: My blog (and all yours), my husband, My ipod, my camera, and my bullet (sorry, yeah I went there!).

5 People I Tag: I have to get back on that one because all the blogs I visit have already been tagged. I'm lame.
Ok here are some people. I have read their blogs and if they ever read mine they will find they have been tagged: Cressida, Caprice, Mad Ethel,

I mean come on, who doesn't know strip club etiquette? Courtesy of The Smoking Gun, two 18 year old boys didn't realize that strippers are paid by each song that plays during a lap dance. Haven't they seen G-String Divas? Did they really think that 41 songs and some booty shakin' was only going to cost them $60? No little boys, your first lesson in Lap Dance 101 only cost you $2500 and a felony charge for falsely obtaining services. Crap!

Crap Disclaimer: My fascination with the word crap today, could simply be a combination of boredom and muscle relaxers due to the afore mentioned neck injury.

I just like saying it. That is my word for the day. I wonder how well it will go over if I used that word in every sentence? Hummmmm...

My weekend o' pain also included lots of talking about Bush, Katrina, and dirty water. No this was not talk of people and their naughty bits, but the shit storm in New Orleans and the like.

After seeing that a young girl was raped in the astrodome, I have not been able to watch the coverage on TV. I will listen to the radio and look on the internet, but no TV. My friend Tom discribed how the above scene at Bush's news conference went. Tom claims that after Bush gave his, "these people are in need, we will help, blah blah" speech he went around to shake everyone's hands. According to Tom, Mayor Nagin would not shake the Bush's hand. This later resulted in Mayor Nagin walking off the "stage". None of this has been substanciated by RitMeyer, but if this did happen, I'm laughing.

I don't care who's fault this whole thing is. We know that this disaster was forseeable. We know funding for the levy's were yanked to help fund the war. We know we were able to get food to the Tsunami victims the next day, but in New Orleans it took 4 days. O.k. I lied, I watched TV last night. There is aid now in New Orleans, but not in Mississippi, Alabamba, etc. Get aid in EVERYWHERE, start rebuilding, and then figure out all that contributed to this unacceptable situation. Fix it. Make sure it never happens again, and fire all the people who dropped the ball.

Rant Over.

We had a great Labor Day weekend, but I'm in pain. This weekend was a lesson in acting my age. First we hung out with our friends Tom and Karen. They are getting married in two weeks and we had a "weekend of no wedding" with them. Saturday we ate Mexican and then went go-cart racing. Freakin' blast, but I got stuck behind two 17 year old bitches who went 2 miles per hour around every turn. I finally bumped one of them and she still didn't get it. I was pissed. Tom ran Karen off into the tires on lap 2 and she got stuck. The wedding is still on.

We were driving back to our house to play some serious texas hold 'em, when we saw a carnival in a mall parking lot. The guys wanted to go, and we went. I remember these rides being fun when I was young, but now as some man with 2 teeth straps me into a ride that spins me up side down 100 feet in the air I start sweating. Two rides in Karen thinks she is going to throw up. We all make fun of her and go on more rides. Inside I am freaking out that I am going to end up splattered on the Famous Barr parking lot. Four rides in, I feel like I am going to puke and I give up. Tom and Luke go on one more ride, The Gravity something or other. Luke comes out of that thing white as a ghost. The night is over. We go home and he pukes for 10 minutes. We are freakin' old.

The next day 8 of us go to a friend's house in Louisiana Missouri to ride on Tom's boat. We are going tubing my friends. Translation, we try everthing in our power to make our friends fling from that tube and skip like a stone on the water. Trash talk ensues and four hours later my suit is permanently up my ass. I stayed on the longest and had the nastiest fall. I'm proud. Luke is proud. I'm not a pansy! The next morning I wake up and can't move my head. Swallowing hurts. I spent Monday on my couch with a heating pad and IB Profin. I still can't move my head, which made driving to work kinda hard. What the hell!

I can't believe I am saying this, but I actually miss Captain Couch and his crazy ways. Couches are only being sat on, Matt Lauer isn't being glib, and crying women who just gave birth haven't had to issue any statements lately.

I was just looking at Radar Online and there is an article all about Tom Cruise and his "journey" with Scientology. It is very enlightening. It also talks about his "special friend" in the cult oops, I mean religion. Enjoy, I know I did.

Someone that short should not be slouching, if my grandma got her hands on him...

My husband 's bonus check is fast approaching. Yipee! Of course we have no idea how much it will be, but we both have already spent it in our minds. Problem is, we just told each other what it is we are buying with said bonus check.

Me: -Computor (I reached age 28 never having bought a computor, either my roomates always had one, or I just used one at work, Luke reached 26 with the same thing...I have lots of shoes though)
-More shoes
-Savings

Luke: -Big screen T.V
-Tattoo
-Bigger, better truck box (I have no idea how that is possible, I think the one he has could launch nuclear weapons)
-gambling money for trip to Vegas in January
-Cool gift for me (uh that one was after he saw the look on my face.)

This could be a fun battle. We need help people. What do you think?

Update 1:13 pm: My husband got another speeding ticket today and we have to get a lawyer, so that's were the money is going, extra and well the above list is still up for grabs.

My husband gets up at 2:30 am to go to work. He doesn't have to be there until 4:30, but a pot of coffee takes him awhile to drink I guess. So every morning he comes in to give me a hug and kiss with the I love yous and stuff, give us a break it's only been six months. Apparently I talk to him. I don't know this, but he tells me I do. This morning I woke up, went downstairs to the kitchen, fumbled for coffee and found this note on the counter:

This mornings conversation:

Luke: I love you babe.
Rit: Bad sandwiches.
L: Bad sandwiches?
R: Yeah, at least you told the truth cuz some people lied about it.
L: Oh, did they?
R: Um Hum, they did those mother f*ckers!
L: Wow, that's not good.
R: Then if you do really, really, bad stuff can happen.
L: Bad sandwiches?
R: Bad sandwiches

Boy, I am a great conversationalist. Luke called me at work and said he is going to write all the things I say to him in the morning. He said this is nowhere near the crazy I have been known to talk about.

I was watching reruns of the Winter Formal & Valentines Day episodes of Laguna Beach (I've seen the winter formal 2 times, hells yeah!) on Tuesday night, and My Super Sweet Sixteen came on after. What the hell! I have never witnessed anything like this and I went to private schools my whole life!

Amanda was preparing for her big super the opposite of sweet sixteen. This girl was unbelievable! She is in her own atmosphere of selfish, Amandaish. "I love being the center of attention" was repeated 3 million times. She and a friend decide to get all sluted up in french maids costumes to go to another girl's Black & White themed 16th B-day Bash. Ummmm, black & white theme. Isn't a drivers license and high insurance a good enough theme? Her dad asks her how she would feel if someone showed up like that at her party and she says she would be pissed, but Amanda will be the center of attention. She just loves, loves, loves it when people are jealous of her. You go girl! Their jealous, that's right. They get to the party, kids are shooting dagers at these two with their eyes and Amanda loves it. She is clueless!

What is this shit! Who has parties like this, they spent $200,000 on it and had Ciara sing. I don't know who Ciara is other than she sang on a Missy Elliot song and Missy brought her up on stage when she won a VMA, but this Amanda thing was all about it. The little skank even went out and SOLD people tickets to her party, ya know her dad didn't find out about it until the show aired. My friends kidnapped me at 6 am before school on my 16th, we went to Denny's for the free b-day meal, my mom took me to go get my license, she let me drive the mini-van to school, got presents, and on the weekend my boyfriend threw me a party at his house where fifty 16 year olds got drunk and puked.

I am an idiot, or did people do this kinda crazy crap when I was 16 and I never knew about it? Has anyone else seen this show?