Here is the Babel Fish Translator, click on the link to the right to learn more about German Karaoke Wednesday.

1. Sie haben Ihre Kugel, die Sie Ihre Kette haben, die an mich fest gebunden wird, binden mich herauf wieder, wer ihren Greifern in Ihnen meinen Freund in Ihr Herz erhalten hat ich wieder Bonbon wie Süßigkeit zu meinem Seele Bonbon schlage, Sie schaukeln und Bonbon Sie verlorenes für Sie rollen ich bin, also verloren für Sie Sie Abbruch in mich kommen und ich in Sie komme ich in Sie in einem Jungen Traum in einer Jungen Traum Note Ihre gerechten Lippen komme, also ich in Ihren Augen, Liebe weiß, glüht sie, also bin ich bloßes entbeint und verrückt für Sie, wenn Sie Abbruch in mich kommen, Baby und mich in Sie in kommen Jungen träumen in Jungen träumen, wenn ich bin gegangen über Bord dann bitte ich Sie, mir in meiner Eile, wenn ich Sie, also halte Mädchen nah an mir OH- und Sie Abbruch in mich, kommen Baby zu verzeihen.

2. Es ist, wie Sie mit meinem Herzen nach rechts sprechen können, ohne ein Wort zu sagen, Sie kann den dunklen Versuch oben beleuchten erstaunlich, wie ich ich könnte nie erklären kann, was ich höre, wann Sie nicht eine Sache sagen Das Lächeln auf Ihrem Gesicht informiert mich, daß Sie mich dort sind eine Wahrheit in Ihren Augen sagend benötigen, Sie mich nie lassen, den die Note Ihrer Hand sagt, daß Sie mich sich verfangen, wenn überhaupt ich Sie Sagen es best..when falle Sie nichts an allen sagen Den ganzen Tag kann ich Leute hören, aus loud zu sprechen, aber, wenn Sie mich nahe halten, ertrinken Sie aus dem Masse (die Masse) Versuch, wie sie sie können nie definieren können, was zwischen Ihrem Herzen und Grube gesagt wird.
(I sang this to my husband at my reception, cheesy Rit moment)

3. Jemand erklärte mir, daß vor langer Zeit es eine Ruhe vor dem Sturm, ich wissen gibt; es wird comin ' während einiger Zeit gewesen. Wenn es rüber sein, also sie sagen, regnet es einen sonnigen Tag, ich weiß; shinin ' unten wie Wasser. Ich wissen, haben möchten Sie gesehen überhaupt den Regen? Ich wissen, haben möchten Sie gesehen überhaupt den Regen Comin ' unten an einem sonnigen Tag? Gestern und Tage vor, ist Sonne kalt und Regen ist, ich wissen hart; gewesen diese Weise während meiner ganzer Zeit. ' bis für immer, auf ihr den Kreis, schnell und verlangsame durch, laufe ich weiß; er kann nicht stoppen, ich sich wundert.

Good luck Bitches.

I was just being all self involved and was checking out the searches people do that causes them to stumble on me and la blog. Normally the searches are 'Laguna Beach', 'Xtina', 'shopping', 'free porn' you know, things like that. Someone found me using 'hang dead deer from a tree'. Skywalker will be so proud, my mom will rush me directly to the salon for a mani and a pedi, followed by a trip to Nordstrom's.

Kill it & Grill it, folks.

Not only is the above true, and a quote from one of my favorites-Monty Python, it was also a source of one of the many arguements that peppered Rit's Holiday/Family Tour of 2005 that lasted from Thursday-Saturday. (I have been crazed a work, so blogging will be minimal this week. Damn family and holidays, DAMN WORK!)

Thursday: Rit's family tradition was implemented to the surprise and hopefully the joy, of The Fiance. Off to my Aunt's for some eating. Somehow during hors'douvres (yeah, that's smart on thanksgiving) the subject of medicaid in my state of residence was brought up and her sister didn't seem to agree with what I was saying. Older people that don't live in my state, that aren't related to me, that don't know what the F they are talking about, shouldn't drink and scream at me. Especially when they have a creepy jeepy husband who has leered and taken every opportunity to hug me and my sister since I was 17. And Thanksgiving was off. I ate too much and needed my "thanksgiving pants" that I bring every year because I eat too much. Ahhh, life was good. Then our annual Family battle of the sexes game. Scene It! was the game of choice. It was heated. Girls kicked the boys asses in first game and the rematch. Suck that boys!! My sister got wasted which meant she drank 3 beers, my Grandma told us that when my Grandpa was my dad's age he had his first heart attack and died 5 years later so times a tickin' for my daddy (thanks again for that, MeMa!), creepy jeepy m*fer leered all night and said something about my sister being horny which prompted my 16 year old brother to freak out on him, my aunt & uncle's dog ate a pumpkin pie which is 1 less pie than he ate last year, my dad got drunk and kept trying to fit the work serpentine in every sentence, my mom rolled her eyes at my dad all night and reminded everyone that she will be driving home my drunken sister and dad, my brothers snuck beers all night, and Skywalker and I took home leftovers and ate them as soon as we got home. Another heartwarming holiday ended.

Friday-woke up and put in The Muppets w/ John Denver's christmas CD and blared it. It's christmas decorating time...whoo hooo!! Skywalker was less than thrilled by this "alarm" and wondered downstairs to gaze upon me singing along and putting the lights on the tree. Halfway through this, half of the lights go out. Damn it! We have to be on the road for my mother-in-laws by 11 am, so I head up to Target to return the lights. I am amazed at the traffic at 7:30 in the morning. Huh. I pull into Target,WHAT THE HELL! Why are all these people... son of a bitch it's the biggest shopping day of the year. GREAT! 1 hour later I get back in my car having only exchanged the lights. Yeah, this sucks, but "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothin' gonna slow me down. Oh no, I've got to keep on movin'" Yes, I sing that to myself to get myself back into a good mood. Long story short, I make 3 trips to Walgreens to get more stuff that we didn't have. We get on the road at 1 pm. I would love to tell you about my trip to the in-laws, but I can't. No one knows about this website other than my husband, but I can't risk it. My lawyer agrees. But it was funny, funny in a Jerry Springer type of way.

Saturday-My family comes over for Cincinnati Chili Day. My dad is from Cincinnati and it is a huge deal and an old family receipe. You can only get it if you graduate from college (this is a stipulation he made after my brother's grades from last semester). He spent 2 days cooking it and I spent all morning getting out my wedding gifts that I can use for entertaining. I was so damn excited. I lit all my candles and my votives, put out my china, and waited. My sister and the fiance shoed up first and my mom called to say that my brother ran out of gas and my dad had to go get him some. Oh and speaking of gas, she had me go buy some Beano. Trust me, we were happy with that purchase later on. They all show up and it was on. Skywalker and The Finace have never had the Chili and the verdict...Awesome by both. My dad can now offically like them. We decided that we needed to play Scene It! again because my brother's girlfriend didn't go to our Thanksgiving. The boys won this time and then we played couples. My brother and his girlfriend won. During the game a scene came up of A Fish Called Wanda and my dad went off on the movie along with Skywalker, my mom and I tell them they are stupid and it was a great movie! That's when Monty Python came up. I was sickened when my father and husband proclaimed that British humor is not funny. While we were arguing this, my brother's girfriend says "It smells like something is on fire?" We ignore her and keep arguing until flames shoot off of my coffee table. One of my ceramic Santa's is on fire! Yelling and cussing ensues and my husband runs out the door carrying Santa's firey christmas as my mom grabs a towel and tries to beat out the flames and I grab a glass of water and throw it on my husband completely missing the flaming Santa. No one died. The evening is winding down, and my dad goes to my restroom. "Uh, Rit? It looks like a crime scene in here!" I walk to my bathroom to see that the red candle I had on the shelf above the toliet had been dripping wax for awhile. It looked like a point blank shot to the head in there.

All in all, it was a fabulous time. I gained about 5 of the pounds I lost that I put on when I quit smoking. Wait that's not right...yes it is. We are now gearing up for my in-laws to come over next weekend for their christmas. They are all staying at our place. Apparently they have never heard of a hotel. It might be more than a flesh wound then...

Happy Soon to be Turkey Day! I have decided to take this time to share with you, a little heart warming story of a Thanksgiving Tradition.

Rit's Heart Warming Family Thanksgiving Tradition

I wake up and run downstairs, up earlier than the rest of my family. (I spend the night at my parents on holidays, Skywalker has to now too...seriously. Christmas Eve, we will sleep there so Santa knows where we are at) I start the coffee and walk to the stereo and put in our very special family song. Volume Up, coffee done. Singing along at the top of my lungs:

"Love to eat turkey’cause it’s good, Love to eat turkey Like a good boy should, ’cause it’s turkey to eat, So good "

My dad will come walking down the hall from his bedroom, "Rit!! Damn it, it's 7 in the morning!"

"Turkey for me Turkey for you, Let’s eat the turkey In my big brown shoe, Love to eat the turkey At the table, I once saw a movie With Betty Grable"

I hand my dad his coffee while singing along with the song. He laughs and sings "Eat that turkey All night long, Fifty million elvis fans Can’t be wrong, Turkey lurkey doo andTurkey lurkey dap, I eat that turkey Then I take a nap"

Little feet can be heard pitter pattering down the stairs. It is Dan, Joe, Lolo Hamburger, Skywalker and The Fiance (this will be the first year The Fiance will get to witness this) A chorus of voices:

"Thanksgiving is a special night, Jimmy walker used to say dynomite That’s right!"

Mom emerges from the hall, "What the hell?" She looks on to see her wonderful family...singing this:

"Turkey with gravy and cranberry, Can’t believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry, (my dad & I yell that the Mets are pond scum, you just can't take the 80's out of a St Louis cards fan)Turkey for you andTurkey for me, Can’t believe Tyson Gave that girl v.d., White meat, dark meat You just can’t lose, I fell off my moped And I got a bruise, Turkey in the oven And the buns in the toaster, I’ll never take down My Cheryl Tiegs poster, Wrap the turkey up In aluminum foil, My brother likes to masturbate With baby oil"(this is where my mom shakes her head, yet joins in) Turkey and sweet potato pie, Sammy davis jr. Only had one eye, Turkey for the girls andTurkey for the boys, My favorite kind of pants Are corduroys, Gobble gobble goo andGobble gobble gickel, I wish turkey Only cost a nickel, Oh I love turkey on thanksgiving, Happy thanksgiving everybody!"

Later at my Aunt & Uncles everyone is drunk and screaming at each other during our annual "Battle of the Sexes" board game. Everyone is cheating. Then my uncle will start playing the banjo and my drunken dad will yell for him to "Play Stairway to Heaven on your Hoosier (F1) music maker!" Then my aunt passes out instruments and we have the Rit's Family Band concert. It's bad music played by good people. I hope my sister is still engaged by the end of the night!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Love,

Rit and her Family

F1 :In St. Louis the word Hoosier refers to severely white trash. I in no way am refering to anyone from Indiana. Please understand our regional reference.


Video code provided by Music Video Codes

It's that time again people, German Karokee Wednesday!

Here the Babel Translator. Go to work.

1.Salz und Pepas hier und wir sind wünschen Sie in Kraft es, Baby Coolin drücken ' bis zum Tag dann nachts arbeitend herauf ein Schweiß C'mon Mädchen, lassen uns gehen Erscheinen die Kerle, denen wir Nr. eine in einem heißen Parteierscheinen werden können drücken es jetzt Amperestunde, drücken es - drücken Sie es gute Amperestunde, drücken es - drücken es reale gute Amperestunde, drücken es - drücken Sie es gute Amperestunde, drücken es - p-drücken es reales gutes

2.Jeder Atem nehmen Sie jede Bewegung, die Sie jede Bindung bilden, Sie jeden Schritt brechen, Sie mich werden aufpassen Sie nehmen Jeder einzelne Tag jedes Wort, das Sie sagen, daß jedem Spiel Sie jede Nacht spielen Sie mich werden aufpassen Sie bleiben OH-, kann nicht Sie Sie sehen, mir zu gehören, wie mein schlechtes Herz mit jedem Schritt schmerzt, den Sie unternehmen Jede Bewegung, die Sie jedes bilden, Sie zu schwören, jedes Lächeln zu brechen, Sie jeden Anspruch fälschen, Sie mich werden aufpassen Sie anbinden

3. Lieben Sie, Truthahnzu essen ' Ursache, die es die gute Liebe ist, zum des Truthahns zu essen, wie ein guter Junge ' ihn verursachen Sie, der Truthahn ist, zum zu essen also die gute Türkei für mich, die Türkei für Sie uns den Truthahn in meiner grossen braunen Schuh Liebe essen ließ, um den Truthahn an der Tabelle I zu essen sah einmal, daß ein Film mit betty grable, daß Truthahn alle Nacht fünfzig sich sehnen, Million elvis Ventilatoren zu essen nicht falsches die Türkei lurkey doo sein kann und die Türkei lurkey dap ich diesen Truthahn essen, dann ich ein Schlaefchen halte Thanksgiving ist ein spezieller Nachtjimmywanderer, der verwendet wird, um dynomite zu sagen

I don't even want to know how much money what I'm looking at over there cost her. It is hideous! My only guess is that after Christina heard this:

You had to figure Christina Aguilera's nuptials would get a little "Dirrty."

We hear her betrothed, Jordan Bratman, made it clear at their Napa Valley wedding last weekend that he was more than qualified to satisfy the bride.

Guests at Friday's rehearsal dinner nearly choked on their sushi when Bratman raised his glass and thanked his parents for "my good looks and large [bleep]."

Jordan's brother and best man, Josh, and his father, Jack, both stood up and proudly corroborated the groom's endowment (source).

she wanted to put as many boobytraps between her whoo-ha and his massive missle. Because you know Xtina is wearing white for a reason.

I have to sign 250 holiday cards today. Yuck. I have put it off for 2 weeks and when I was "politely" asked where the signed cards were so that a certain someone could stuff them in the envelopes, she didn't appreciate my blank stare and my "uuhhhh, cards?". They have been on my desk for 2 weeks, I was told. So here I am, signing away. Ha ha, nope I'm blogging. Shit here she comes...

Since I can't comment on your blog because of stupid work and them firewalling haloscan, I wanted to take this time to say I hope that your mouth feels better. This reminds me of when I had my wisdom teeth dug from my head.

This also may be called Dumb Thing I've Done #458

I waited until one of my wisdom teeth that had grown in actually started moving my other teeth thus causing severe headaches before I gave in and said fine, take them. I was 20 and on winter break from college. My friends and I always went to Colorado to ring in the New Year so I decided to fit both in. Yes, I could do it. Oral surgeon friend of my parents be damned. He totally didn't know better than me!

Day of Teeth Yankage: My mommy drove me. I was getting put under and she suggested that they give me the gas before the attempted to put a needle in my arm. (I have a severe phobia of needles) The DR. thought that was unnessasary, my mom said " Go ahead but I warned you. Oh and she may be more pissed because I swore to her that you don't use needles to put people out." I am sitting in the chair when he walks in. He pulls out this needle thing and I start freaking out, jump out of the chair and run out the door screaming "she lied to me!" Needless to say 5 minutes later I am laughing my ass off telling the Dr., whom I have babysat his kids for years, that this is better than shrooms but not better than acid. Nice. I wake up groggy. They call my mom in. We leave and head to get my pain meds filled. Doc said that the pain meds he already gave me would wear off in 8 hours, but we should go ahead and start taking the script. 15 minutes later I am in serious pain. 8 hours my ass. We start me on some lame little pain meds. Mom gets me all situated. I want to take the shit in my mouth that is mopping up the blood out, but my mom said I had to keep them in there for a couple hours and by then I would have clotted. I need to rest up because I am leaving in the morning for the 10 hour drive to Boulder, Colorado...Woo Hoo! 5 hours later I wake up with my head splastered to my pillow. What? I try to call for my mom. I can't so I picked up a book of her nightstand and threw it. My mom walks into her bedroom, looks at me and yells "What the hell did you do!" My pillow is stuck to my face with tons of dryed blood. Nice. Doc makes a house call. 1. fix non-clotting holes in my mouth 2. Pain meds not working. He left me with a codene script and a warning that high altitudes, clotting, medication, and beer are not a good mix. Hell to the yeah, this will be the best new years ever.

Colorado: It was a bloody blur of high altitudes, no-clotting, medication, and beer.

My PSA to the interweb, drinking and wisdom teeth extraction whilst vacationing in Colorado...Not good. Oh, I also developed a case of TMJ 6 months after the surgery by having my jaw clench shut for 3 days. This was also treated with pain meds. All the doctors say it had nothing to do with the surgery or anything, but my mom always says that my partying in Colorado lead to it. I told her it was from all the blow jobs.

Feel better Marisa!

Thank you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

61-70

61. I am anal retentive. In highschool people called me Phoebe, which I believe was because I was idealistic, vegatarian, pycho about recycling, and smoked a bit too much of da pot so I was very dippy. After I got my own place, they started calling me Monica. (I became annoyed that the people around me didn't watch other shows) I am a wee too organized and living with me is no easy task. I have chilled out a bit since I got married, but sometimes I just can't help but to stay up until 1 in the morning making sure everything is perfect and in it's proper place. With that said, I hate hanging clothes up or putting them away. I go to the basement where all my clean clothes are folded on my laundry table and get dressed. When I get done with the day and go up to our bedroom to change, I fling the dirty clothes on the floor and anything that could be worn again, I drape over the desk chair. That chair will fall over now and again from the weight of the clothes. I hate to iron, so then I will take anything that needs ironing and set the dryer to "fluff".

62. I hate the word ain't. HATE. If someone says that word in my presence I tell them it isn't a word. When they tell me they don't care, I tell them it sounds stupid and roll my eyes. Skywalker loves to say ain't just to annoy me.

63. I love John Denver. I don't think that this is something that is wrong with me, but everyone around me disagrees. I just Thank God I'm a Country Boy when that Country Road Take Me Home, because I get scared when I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane. Now I'm going to go back to work and listen to Annie's Song on my IPOD.

64. The plates on my car expired in October. I have known this for 2 weeks. I don't care, I'm living on the edge. This is not the first time this has happened, I do it every year. My husband wants to smack me, I am not really concerned about it.

65. I don't like taking the time to wash fruit. I know there are all sorts of pesticides and shit on them, but it takes time away from me enjoying the delicious fruity goodness. I am 28 and it hasn't killed me yet, so what does that tell you. Yep, you all have been wasting time washing your fruit.

66. I don't like to gossip. I think gossip is horrible, mean and distructive. I didn't, however, say that I don't partake in it. I can't help it. I believe the devil makes me do it. So then they tell me what is going on with so and so, my eyes get big, I am filled with the joy of being in the know. Then comes the natural feeling of spreading the gossip. Ohhh people need to know this. That is when my conscience gets me. I can't be apart of spreading the gossip, that is a line I won't cross. But gossip held in could actually make my head burst, so I go home. I spot my poor defenseless, sweet husband watching football or something and I sit down.
Rit: You are never going to believe this.
Luke: You dumbass! (to the coach/player of whatever game he is watching)
Rit: LUKE!!!!
Luke: What! Shit, what are you DOING! (apparently someone is messing up again)
Rit: Guess what. (my eyes filled with excitement)
Luke: Honey, can't this wait...YEAH!!!! (clapping, screaming, maybe a jump off the recliner)
Rit: No, you are never going to believe this! So and so blah, blah, waw waw waw. Waw waw waw, wah wa wa wa. Wah wah wa wa wa waw waw. Can you believe that?
Luke: YEAH!! (clapping, jumping)
Rit: Honey, did you hear me...can you believe it?
Luke: Uh, umm, no no I can't.
Gossip spreading pressure relieved, even though I am aware that even if Luke did hear it he couldn't care less about who is sleeping with who unless it is me sleeping with him.

67. I give everyone a nickname. I don't sit around and think them up, it comes natural to me. I just look at you one day, and it comes out of my mouth. Skywalker is Boo (short for boo boo kitty head), Ava is "chicklet", My friend Maryanne is M-A (she totally freaked out when I called her Ma), My sister Lauren is Lolo Hamburger (that rhymes with my maiden name, yep I say the whole thing), my friend Karen is Kern, Todd is Too-dals, Susie is Zs, and the list goes on. Most of the nicknames people hate, and I don't care. You hang out with me for more than 3 times, and you will be called something other than your name. Fo shizzle.

68. I watch cops just to see if I will know anyone on the show, because I am facinated by the fact that these people sign a waver to allow the world to see them being busted for crack. I hope one day someone can enlighten me and explain what there reasoning was for this. Anyway, I loves me some Cops, and I will tell everyone about the newest episode and ask them why they think people would sign a waver allowing their bust for solicitation of prostitution to be on the TV. Everytime we are out with people and I start with "So, do you guys ever watch Cops?" Luke just rolls his eyes. You know he is thinking, why doesn't she ever bring up topics like politics or the environment, my wife has to bring up Tom Cruise & Cops. I also take polls on who thinks Katie Holmes and Tom Cruises relationship is a sham.

69. I just laughed for like two minutes cause I'm on 69. That has to be something wrong with me.

70. If I happen to drag a friend of mine into a Walmart or a Walgreens at some point in the visit I will yell things like "Well it won't hurt anymore if you'd stop scratching it!" or "Didn't your mom ever tell you that it is rude to ich your privates in public? What's the problem down there?" or "If you don't get him to take the medicine, you will just keep getting it back." I can't help it, I think the devil makes me do this too. After my horrified friend runs out of the store, I laugh my ass off.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5, Part 6

Except we don't have kids and my parents aren't Grandparents.

This just in: The Skinny Cow Thief and the person she formerly lived in are going out with Kate's boyfriend and his girls tonight. Skywalker and I have scrapped our plans to go see I Walk the Line this evening in favor of hanging out in our home while running around screaming cuss words, watching whatever we want on TV, and eating all of our remaining ice cream for dinner. This is going to awesome.

I still haven't smoked (4 weeks) and I have managed to lose of 8 of the 10 lbs I put on in the first 20 days of not smoking. Yippee! I have become very, shall we say, attached to my skinny cow ice cream. By attached I mean that after Skywalker went to bed and I watched me some CSI, I went to get a wonderfully delicious Skinny Cow fudge bar and sit down for some Without a Trace. I walk to the fridge and open the freezer and just what do I see? Not any fudge bars, that's what I didn't see. I start moving stuff around. Luke's drumsticks, check. Ava's ice cream cups, check. My Skinny Cow ice cream sandwichs , no check. My Skinny Cow fudge bars, no check. My Italian Ice cups, no check. What?! I really start freaking out. Where in the hell is all my dessert stuff. If anyone knows what is good for them, they don't eat a dieting woman's dessert. EVER!

Detective Rit comes out in full force. I check the deep freeze. No one moved it there. I check the trash can where I find all the wrappers and cups. Skywalker should know better, plus he has all sorts of fattening ice cream of his own to eat. Hummm, I will get to the bottom of this. In the morning I grill him on the phone while I am driving to work, and he is as pissed as me. Someone has been eating his ice cream drumsticks, and it is neither of us. He ran home and took all of the deserts left that are ours and put them in the deep freeze. I believe a certain person who is lower to the ground may be eating up all our ice cream. A certain 9 year old house guest, and she knows better. I think I will be asking for some cuss jar money back, don't you think I won't. That skinny cow ice cream is pricey!

Chris Klein, you know Katie "amazing" Holmes' ex-finance, has just made my shit list hense the mug shot photo:

I don't need food to impress, man," boasts the cocky "American Pie" C-lister. "It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food."

Chris, 26, a self-described "alpha heterosexual" who only dates "8 to 10's," also reveals how displeased he is if a woman he's seeing gains a few pounds.

"I'm not tolerant of that at all," declares the actor, who says he has no problem telling his swollen squeeze to shape up. "When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body," he pontificates. "You have to say no."

Klein then rejects the interviewer's suggestion that "they're just looking for you to say, 'You look beautiful to me, honey.'" "If they do, it's placating," he scoffs. "I don't placate."

Given this attitude, it's not surprising when he admits the "worst thing" a woman ever said to him was, "You're a [expletive that rhymes with 'brass pole']."

As he recalls, "The time it really hurt was when a stranger said it. I was just trying to tell this chick to get lost. I try to treat all women with respect whether they're pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, 'Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face.'"

A few other gentlemanly gems from the chat include Chris describing wooing a woman as a "predator-prey situation" and admitting he stays "very closed off until a woman deserves to know me completely." source MSN

You know, I think Tom is a step up from this asshat! Crazy brain-washed alien worshiper beats asshat anyday in my book. I would like to punch him in the kidney's. SuperRit may needs to be called on this one.

Oh, and I would like to stay married. My new HNT picture.

Come one, come all. TinaPopo, that clever bitch, has given us a new game to play. Forget Half Nekked Thursdays, what the hell does Wednesday have? It's called German Karaoke Wednesday! You just take a song, translate it to German then post it. Then you have people translate it to English and try to guess which song it is. Fun and germ-free.

Here is the link to Babel Fish Translator.

Numero 1. Es ist der ganzer selbe, nur die Namen tägliches es scheint ändern, daß wir weg einen anderen Platz, in dem die Gesichter sind, also Kälte ich alle Nacht gerade fahren würde, um Haupt zurück zu erhalten ich sind ein Cowboy, auf einem Stahlpferd vergeuden, das ich mich werde gewünscht absolut oder lebendige gewünschte Tote oder lebendig reite Manchmal schlafe ich, manchmal ist es nicht für Tage und die Leute, die ich treffe, gehen immer ihre unterschiedlichen Weisen, manchmal Sie den Tag durch die Flasche erklären, daß Sie trinken und Zeiten, wenn Sie alle ganz allein sind, Sie ist denken

Numero 2.Was ich habe, haben Sie, es zu Ihrem Mamma zu geben, was ich Sie habe, es zu Ihrem pappa zu geben habe, was ich Sie habe, es Ihrer Tochter zu geben habe, die Sie wenig Tanz tun und dann Sie ein weniges Wasser trinken Was ich habe, haben Sie, es zu erhalten eingesetzt ihm in Sie, was ich Sie habe, es zu erhalten eingesetzt ihm in Sie habe, was ich Sie habe, es zu erhalten eingesetzt ihm in Sie Reeling mit dem Gefühl stoppe nicht fortfahre habe Verwirklichen Sie, daß ich nicht ein Geizhals sein möchte vertraue klug Ihnen bin das klügere junge Blut bin das lovin ' upriser, wie kommt es jeder es halten möchten mögen das kaiser Geben Sie ihm weggeben es weggeben, das es weg ihm weggeben jetzt es weggeben gibt, es weg ihm weggeben jetzt es weggeben es weg jetzt gibt

Numero 3. Last oben auf Gewehren holen Ihre Freunde, die es der Spaß ist zum zu verlieren und ist sie über Bord selbst vorzutäuschen versicherte mir weiß, daß ich A schmutziges Wort kenne Hallo Mit den Lichtern aus ihm hier sind wir sind unterhalten uns jetzt weniger gefährlich, die ich glaube, daß dumm und ansteckend hier wir unterhalten uns jetzt A Mulatto ein Moskito des Albinos A meine Libido Yea sind

Good Luck. Hey, did you like me throwing in a little Spanglish? Hells to the yeah, thats how I roll.

Look at Brown Alex chug that vodka down. She makes me so proud. Underage drinking is the coolest! God, I will miss this cast. LC's sister and her buddies (which I hope don't enclude Jessica's sister, yikes) better bring it. You hear me bitches...BRING IT!

It is a very sad, sad day for Rit. I was just over at my pal Tim's blog and clicks on his comment link to make me a comment when dun, dun, da...My company has firewalled HaloScan comments. I clicked on it about 5 times before admitting complete defeat. Then I went to Marisa's blog, the same thing. I fear the worst is yet to come. I may have to only blog from home. First the winter darkness, now this. I am on hold with my Dr's office inquiring about some Paxil. The nurse doesn't think that not being able to comment on my favorite blogs at work and the whole dark at 4:15pm thing is a good enough reason to medicate me. I also believe telling her that if she doesn't I will self medicate didn't help me. This sucks!

I know that all of you with HaloScan comments will find this increbibly hard to deal with, it will be ok. No it won't, but what the hell else can I say.

Yeah, my friend if your definition of friend is someone who makes you totally depressed, angry, and want to sleep all day. I hate, I repeat HATE that it starts getting dark at 4:15 pm here in good ole' St. Louis. I wake up at like 5:30 am because the sun is a-shine'in in my window, I'm instantly pissed. I don't need to be up intil 6:30 am after 3 hits of the snooze button. I pull the covers over my head and pout...to no one. My husband is already gone and at work. I go to work, having dialed down my attitude from hate to happy. I work/blog the day away. Wow it's 4 pm almost time to go home. As I push the door to my building open, it pitch freakin' dark and my depression settles in. I drive home headlights lighting my way, cursing winter for shrouding me in darkness. I get home and don't want to cook anything, I just want to curl up on the couch and try to watch TV while nodding off. If a friend wants to meet for coffee or dinner I say "I don't know" in a tired, put upon voice. They know, they have been here before. It takes me until after Thanksgiving to get used to Winter and want to leave my house.

"I don't smoke, drink or take drugs anymore...(But) knowing my luck, a bird will crap on me and I'll get bird flu on the way home."
(Source: IOL)

I hear you, brother. If it's not self destructive addiction, it's birds. I knew they would kill me one day. Cocksuckers!

So, Skywalker killed a deer on his first deer hunting trip. He is all proud of his ability to kill food and provide for his family. Yep, my normal husband is now a cave man. But I found a way to nip this in the butt.

Sunday, Skywalker's truck pulls in. He left Thursday morning, so I miss him. I run out to his truck and jump in his arms. I get ready to coat him with kisses and then drag him upstairs to la bedroom (remember we have house guests) when I take a look at my husband. The normally shaved bald, goatee wearing hottie has a narley beard and hair on top of his head. He also smells, smells bad. I writh out of his grasp like a two year old who wants "down" and give him my "oohhh, gross" look. As my feet touch the ground I notice what looks like tiny specks of leaves all over his shirt. I look closer....ticks, freakin' ticks. I claimly told him "Hey honey, you have ticks all over you." Alright, really I screamed "You have ticks all over you!" and proceed to look desparately at the front of me, since my front was touching his tick covered front not more than 10 seconds ago. (I love camping, but have a serious fear of ticks. Lyme disease doesn't sound fun.)

I tell him that although I would like to jump his bones, this can not happen until he has been in the shower for an hour, in scalding hot water and uses two bars of soap to clean the funk off. Yuck. All night I get to hear about "the kill". I was trying to watch Desparate Housewives. Anyway, he informs me that we will need to buy a deep freezer. What? He takes me out to the truck where there are two coolers that are so heavy I can't lift them. They are filled with dead deer I'm told. Then he tells me that we must have this meat processed. Huh? This is costing us $120 to do. (for anyone else who doesn't know what processed means, it's just butchering...I think) Then he shows me the antlers of the animal he slaughtered. My first responce is that he is not putting that up on any walls in my house. He looks crushed, so I tell him he can pull it in the basement in the laundry room.

Bullets and stuff like that: $50
Deer Stand: $250
Other stuff I can't figure out what it was: $80
Coolers to put dead deer in: $50
Deer processing:$120
Deep Freeze:$350
Telling guys who like hunting that you killed something while knowing that the meat you are eating is a direct result of your manlyness, priceless.

Then he tells me that his is going to go hunting the weekend after thankgiving. I say "Cool. Oh, did I tell you about my new hobby?" Skywalker looks perplexed. I tell him"Yeah, it's the going to Nordstrom's and spending $900 in one weekend hobby. You know, like my mom." Needless to say, we are going to his mom's for that weekend now.

For my Fantabulous Super Single weekend I went out with my mom, dad, sister and her fiance Friday and watched 8.5 hours of Laguna Beach on Saturday. Yes, I partied like I'm 80.

Friday I meet over at my parents house. My Sister, Lo, went to pick up the fiance at the airport so I was going to ride with my parents to the restaurant. I flop down on the couch and join my Dad watching TV. My 16 year old brother Joe comes running down the stairs and starts to head for the door when my Dad yells "Woa woa, get your ass over here!" (side note: my brother has been getting into major trouble with the rents, a la Rit highschool trouble. Pretty it is not) Dad "What are you doing tonight?" Joe "Hanging out with -insert friend he has not gotten in trouble with- over at -another innocent-'s house." Dad "I boobie-trapped the house and I know how many beers are in the fridge and in the garage. Don't be a dumb ass tonight." Joe "Dad, gawd, chill!" Me "Booby-trapped the house, man you guys have gotten sophisticated over years. What about wire taps on his cell?" Dad says, along with evil stare "Who's buying your dinner tonight smart ass."

Mom walks out of her bedroom "Hey, should we call ahead and make reservations?" Sees Joe "Be good tonight, seriously. Pull your pants up, no one wants to see your underwear." Joe "Gawd, you guys need to chill!" Me "Yeah, chill out you two...GAWD!" Joe "Shut Up Rit!" (side note: they really call me Rit, this one made up the nickname because he couldn't say Marissa) Me "I'm on your side Bro, you want me to buy you some beer?" Mom "RIT!" Dad "You know what! You're gonna kill me, and you don't even live here anymore." Me "How much are you worth again?" My mom just starts laughing, my dad tries not too "You are rotten." My brother has started inching out of the family room and my Dad, without missing a beat and still looking at me, points to my brother and says "I swear to god if you do anything stupid tonight, I will kill you myself. FYI, there is no telling when we will be home. Could be 4 hours, could be 20 minutes. Do you feel lucky, punk?" I cover my mouth trying not to laugh. Joe "You're a freak Dad." Dad "Yeah, but I'll kick your ass son. Love you." He leaves. My mom finally is ready. My dad gets up "It's about time, Pam!" Mom "Oh shut up."

My dad and I get in the car and wait. And wait. And wait. Dad "What could you mother possibly be doing now?" Me "Maybe she is checking all the booby-trapps." Dad "You get on my nerves." Me "Glad to know I still got it." Waiting. Waiting. My dad lays on the horn. My mom flings open the door "Stop it, I'm talking to Carolyn." Why my mom decided that this was the perfect time to talk to her best friend I will never know. My mom is notorious for being late. She is also notorious for not giving a shit about being late. Dad "I swear your mom is trying to kill me." Me "Yeah, we have decided we are going to split it when you keel." Dad "I always told you to have a plan." He honks the horn and rolls down his window yelling out of it "I'm leaving you if you don't get out here right now." He will too, he has done it plenty of times. She comes walking out of the house "Chill out Tim." Now she says to me "I'm glad to know your father is going to be foul tonight." My mouth drops open.

Off we are to eat some dinner before we go see a movie. My mom calls my brother on his cell "Seriously, don't do anything stupid and pull up your pants." My dad yells over her while she is talking "Don't be a dumb ass!" I love hanging out with my parents, they are freaking hyterical and they aren't even drunk yet. Then my mom tells my dad that he could go a better way to the restaurant we have gone to a thousand times. My dad "Pam, I know how to get there." Mom "Tim, there going to be traffic that way." You can get there many ways, each one perfectly acceptable and we have 3 hours until the movie. "TIM DON"T GO THAT WAY!" My dad continues to drive the way he wants. Me "Hey mom, how do you think dad finds his way to work without you?" Mom "Rit, there will be traffic this way." She is laughing as she says this, she knows it's a dumb arguement.

After every turn my dad makes, my mom tells him a different way to go. We arrive at the restaurant. My dad drops us off at the front. Mom "God, I hope your dad isn't that foul all night." Me "Uh, mom, I believe he may be foul because you bugged the shit out of him." Mom "Yeah, you're right." 40 minute wait. We head to the bar. By the time our table is ready my parents are two beers in. My sister and the fiance show up. Fun is had, good food is eaten. Laughs all around. The fiance asks where Skywalker is and my dad interupts me "He is hunting. Hey, Rit has he caught a deer yet?" Me "As a matter of fact yes, yes he CAUGHT a deer. He did however break a rib after he leap from the deer stand on top the deer getting the deer in a hear hug. We have named him Fred and will be keeping him in our backyard." Hunting is a strange new world for my ultra republican golfing father. Dad "Who the hell taught you to be such a smart ass?!" Me "You alright, I learned it by watching you."

We watched "Good night and Good Luck" which was a great movie. My brother didn't do anything dumb ass like. Saturday I made Kate and Ava watch 8.5 hours of Laguna Beach and Sunday Skywalker came home trumphant having killed Bambi. Life is good.

Sienna Miller. Good thing you were wearing those leggwarmers, girl. You never know when you are going to need to chase you some paparazzi. I never leave the house without mine.

I ran out of the house with no coffee in me and my co-workers drank all the coffee here. As I am waiting for the new pot to brew I will answer these I saw on my new find Marisa . She is good stuff. Oh, and she hates you. I love people who hate, like my side kick Baby 'kick em in da' Jewels.

10 FAVORITES
Favorite Color: Klan White
Favorite Food: the kind I can stick in my mouth
Favorite month: my birth month, May. Yes, I celebrate the whole month bitches
Favorite Song: Melissa, simply because it sounds like my name
Favorite Movie: Coyote Ugly
Favorite Sport: Celebrity Gossip Whoring
Favorite Season: Laguna Beach's second season
Favorite Day Of the week: Any day that I don't work
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: What? Are you trying to say I eat too much ice cream!
Favorite Time of Day: Quitting time

9 CURRENTS
Current Mood: Mind numbingly dumb
Current Taste: Seriously, this crap about my eating is starting to give me a complex
Current Clothes: Yes. What do you think, I go to work naked?
Current Desktop: Troll dolls, everywhere.
Current Toenail Color: Red Chipping
Current Time: Needs me some coffee time
Current Surroundings: I think I'm at work...
Current Thoughts: Should I actually work?

8 FIRSTS
First Best Friend: My imaginary friend Sally.
First Kiss: Dan Kennedy, my version of Judd Nelson's Breakfast Club character. My parents were thrilled, I was drunk.
First Screen Name: Unless this counts, I never had one. If I did, I was too drunk to remember
First Pet: Dan Kennedy
First Piercing: That I was aquitted of?
First Crush: Michael J Fox/Alex P Keaton
First CD: I have no damn clue, first tape was Guns N Roses

7 LASTS
Last Cigarette:3 weeks, 23 hours, 25 minutes, 12 seconds ago. But I'm not counting.
Last Drink: June 1, 2002
Last Car Ride: Three weeks ago in the parking lot of the Park down the street.
Last Kiss: Yesterday morning.
Last Movie Seen: Coyote Ugly, I will be burning my eyes with acid if I see it again.
Last Phone Call: To my parents. Oh, LAST phone call, not your one phone call. Um, let me check my phone and get back to you.
Last CD Played: Johnny Cash in my car on the way to work.

6 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: Define "dated"
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes, next question.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: My lawyer told me not to answer this.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Ok, now I have lost my patience. Yes, I like to eat and I have packed on a few.
Have You Ever Been on TV: Have you seen COPS?
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Um, I don't remember.

5 THINGS
Thing You're Wearing: My decoder ring
Thing You've Done Today: I'm not that ambitious
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: The coffee almost done brewing.
Thing You Can't Live Without: coffee
Thing You Do When You're Bored: this

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY
1. It's 9 in the morning, get real

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
1. Dear Diary
2. Sally
3. My husband, cause he has learned to tune me out

2 CHOICES
1. Black or White: I find this question offensive
2. Hot or Cold: sometimes

THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Discover the meaning to life. Ha, ha. I couldn't even keep a straight face on that.

I always wondered if Paris Hilton's parents felt shame and questioned what went wrong after her fondness for filming her sex acts surfaced. I guess not, considering this picture is of Paris' mom in her younger years being autioned off with three others on E-Bay. Creepy.



Images and story from A Socialites Life

Skywalker is leaving to go kill precious things and absolutely not bring anything dead & stuffed back to hang on any walls at noon today. I awake this morning full of excitement. It's not like I don't hang with my girls, we hang out every Friday, but I can go out every night. EVERY NIGHT! Tonight I can go out and I don't have to make (order) dinner, I can eat just a sam-ich. So I start calling people to party with. Everyone I know is lame. Lame I tell you. Friday is on like usual, but seeing a movie was mentioned. What? My old stand by Maryanne just started dating her ex again and is hanging out with him on Saturday. Tonight the best I got is to meet up with my sister at Starbucks and help her decide between the 2 wedding dresses she can't decide between. *crickets*

It's going to end up like what happened to Tim when Titso went out of town, isn't it?

My boobs! Well, this is as close to cleavage as I'll ever get. My mom tells me once I have a baby they will get bigger, but I'm not willing to test that just yet.

and the fact that I can't stop putting tons of craptastic food in my pie hole. Ooh, pie! So above we have what I had for lunch chinese food, another pumpkin latte and a diet coke. I don't know who I think I'm kidding with the diet soda, but I will sleep at night better. To the left we have my ring finger that swelled up so bad I had to take my engagement ring off and hope to god that my wedding ring didn't cut the circulation off so bad that I will have to amputate my finger. If you were wondering about the water bottle in the far right corner of the picture, I am totally not drinking that. It is there to help remind me to water the stupid plant someone in the office bought me that I will kill one day. I'm shit with plants.

Can you believe it?! I have been super busy today and may not have the time to post much, but I know my huge audience of 5 or so would be bored as hell if I didn't post something so here goes.

My day started with me waking up covered in sweat. Apparently Missouri didn't get the memo that it is No-freakin-vember- it was 75 yesterday and I refuse to turn on the AC or take off the blanket that is between my sheet and my down comforter. I'm dreaming of an actual winter weather christmas!

I get to work and my boss bought me a Starbucks Pumpkin Latte, yummy for my tummy. Speaking of tummies, I have gained 10 lbs since I quit smoking 20 days ago. Seriously, I have weighed myself. So I called Skywalker this morning after my damn pants wouldn't button and told him that we are going for an hour long run after work. Ok a walk. How else will I eat my McDonald's? But really, what is more unattractive A fat Ass or A Trach?

Now it is 12:20, I have been slammed at work and I have ordered chinese food for lunch. Maybe I will walk around the office building whilst I eat my crab rangoon. Yes, that sounds nice.

So, Evil Husband is going deer hunting this weekend. This will mark the first time that he will be attempting to kill a beautiful creature made by mother nature. I, however, bagged me a big 'en when I was 19 going 40 miles per hour in my '85 volvo. Man that car could take a serious beating and keep going.

Apparently this takes all sorts of expensive equipment. I came home from work yesterday to find a large metal object on my back porch. Huh, I wonder what this is? Ava came out to see if I had her $2.50 that we owed her for the cuss jar to which I responded, "No, son of a bitch!" Cha Ching! $2.75 "God Damn it!" $3.00. I decide to hold my breath, which not only stops hiccups but also cussing. Luke comes running outside, "Did you see it, did you, did you!?" I kind of just stare at him, "Um, if by IT you mean the large metal object laying to my left. Yes, I have seen it." Luke "Isn't it cool!?" Me "What the hell is it?" Pointing and oh oh oh-ing from Ava..."Ha Ha, you owe me $3.25!" I turn to Luke and he tells me that this large hunk of metal is a deer stand and then he starts telling me how they hang this up in a tree and sit in it for hours upon hours waiting for a deer to mosey on by it. "Wow, that sounds like so much fun. Hey what do you do when you have to pee?" I like to know these things. He lets me know that they never leave the deer stand until the are done with hunting for the day. "Cool, so you just pee off the stand thingy." Luke shakes his head, and looks a bit miffed that I am not taking his serious hobby as serious as it needs to be. "What if you fall off the damn thing while you are trying to pee?" More yelling from Ava "OOoohhhhhh now you owe me $3.50!" I tell her she needs to start paying us rent. She sticks her tongue out at me. Then she asks Luke what he needs to hang out in a tree all day for. I decide to answer this one

Rit: Did you know Luke was in a movie once?
Ava: No, cool, which one.
Rit: Bambi
Ava: What are you talking about? (serious amount of 9 year old attitude, her b-day was Wed)
Rit: He shot Bambi's mom and this weekend he going to hunt down Bambi and shoot him too.
Ava: LLLUUUUUUUUKKKKKKEEEEE, don't shoot Bambi!

She totally forgot all about the money I owed her and spent the night trying to get Luke to not go hunting.

I don't know which frightens me more. That Xenu's right hand man still has his alien claws in Katie Holmes as well as his Xenufetus or that Skywalker and I have the same chairs.

Images from A Socialites Life

Evil Husband is hatching a plot to get our heroine, Super Rit, to do his laundry.

Super Rit, while hanging out in some office shrubbery, hears Evil Husband and his evil plot.

"Evil Husband will never get me to do his laundry, NEVER!" So SuperRit hatches her own plot. While Evil Husband is sleeping, Super Rit puts all his laundry at his feet, steals his credit card and goes to Nordstorm's for their big shoe sale.

Ha, ha. Evil is thwarted once again.

Can just taking a picture of yourself, putting a cartoon effect on it and giving yourself a bubble comment make you a comic book superhero? I think it does.

Able to leap rude salespeople at Nordstrom's in a single bound, fly across lanes of traffic while on her cell phone, shoot fire out of her mouth if she ever learned how to do that...it's SuperRit. Fighter of crimes against herself. Phone solicitors beware.

Can people be too selfish to have children? If so, I may be one of those people.

This weekend was busy. Friday I hung out with Kate, Ava, and our friend Mo. I taught Ava KFed's song. Yes, I did. We have been running around the house singing, "Back then, they call me KFed. But you can call me Daddy instay-ed." It's bad when an 8 year old knows your rap sucks. We also started a club called the Poppers. Poppers eat blow pops, but people that smoke-namely Luke and Kate (her mom)- can't partake of the goodness that is the blow pop. I also nicknamed Kate "Her Gimpnesty" because of her crushed-rod inserted-uses a walker-injury from being hit by an 18 wheeler self. I got so many cool points from Ava on that one.

Here Ava is trying not to be photographed. We were playing paparazzi or pavarotti if I was KFed. She's super tall for 8, I was too so I was giving her pointers on how to get back at the kids who make fun of her. She asked her mom if she could live with us forever. So naturally I am really feeling like I will be such the awesome parent.

Saturday I spent all day with my mom and sister trying on wedding dresses. It was fun and very tiring. Then we had the Turkey Fry of 2005 which turned into the Order Pizza of 2005 because Luke forgot to take the turkey out of the freezer. Our friends will be coming over again in two weeks for the Really Real Turkey Fry of 2005. We were up super late Saturday night and had to go out to breakfast with my mom and sister super early. Then we went over to my parents to see my brothers especially Dan, because he was home from college for the weekend. We didn't get home until 5 pm. I am so so tired and looking forward to Desparate Housewives and My Fair Brady.

Kate is going to the hockey game, sure we will watch Ava. Luke goes to bed early, so he heads upstairs at 6:00. I flip it on Extreme Makeover Home Edition for some feel good TV watching. I need a good cry. Ava whines that she doesn't want to watch this. So we watch Coyote Ugly for the 5th time this weekend. I fall asleep. She tells me I'm boring. I tell her I'm tired. She tells me I'm boring again and then calls her mom to tell her that I'm boring. When the movie is over it is 8 and time for the housewives. Kids ask tons of questions. Why is that lady getting hives when she kisses that guy? What did he kill her husband? Oooohhhhh I love Eva Longoria. Why are they making fun of her suits? That isn't nice, why are they being so mean? Are they getting married? Well, why is she wearing a wedding dress then? During commercals I flip to My Fair Brady. Why is she crying? I explain it to Ava and she keeps asking. This is when I implement the ignore the 8 year old tactic. She doesn't like this and calls her mom again to tell her that I'm boring and when is she getting home. I am happy when mom gets home and Ava goes to bed.

I woke up this morning to find that my keys and cell phone had been hidden. I was 10 minutes late for work and between Luke and I, we still owe her $2.50 more in quarters. We started a cuss jar. The girl has gotten $10.75 from us this weekend alone. I called Luke when I finally got in the car to go to work. I explained my fear that I am too selfish to have children. He said while I was cooking dinner Ava didn't want to watch Jesse James on the Dicovery channel and wanted to put in Coyote Ugly. He told her no and that he thought that movie was dumb. I felt better just knowing that we are both selfish and therefore neither of us will be the favorite parent.

Hells yeah, we are deep frying a turkey this weekend and having Luke and Rit's Turkey Fry of 2005. I can only hope it goes better than the last time when my friend's dog got into the grease and puked all over my living room. Anyway, yours truely- normally hostest with the mostest- is totally wingin' it. Usually I would have bought special theme plates and decorated my house with all sorts of fall crap and had all my side dishes planned, but this year I have had to fight the urge to put up my Christmas stuff. I used to bitch and moan about Christmas becoming so commercial and how we see the shit in stores well before Thanksgiving and how wrong that is. Now, I want to deck my halls with holly and fa la la la la la la la while baking cookies. I think I'm going to make some Christmas cookies for the fry and play a little Bing and Ray for my listening pleasure. I'm dreaming of a white turkey fry...

Side note: We found out last night that 8 year old homewrecker Ava has...GASP...an 8 year old boyfriend. Luke is crushed. I am having fun teasing her about it.

Thank you Karla for this ingenius idea. She is one of my favorites!! Who gives a rats ass about good things about me? When Karla said to look deep within myself, I did. She's right, what is there is bad.

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I love to cook," and "I'm a Scorpio." I looked deep inside me, and found there's just not much there. What is there is bad. Therefore, I give you my list of 100 Things Wrong With Me. To cut down on the odds that you'll fall asleep reading it, I've broken it up into parts. (from Karla, she is brilliant)

51-60

51. I will put grease down the drain. Yes, I will. I believe it will not hurt the drain when I have hot water running as I do it. Our kitchen sink drain clogs all the time. Whenever Luke catches me just dumping grease down it, he is none too pleased. I don't care, I refuse to have a nasty grease jar or can. Not having it.

52. I hate moping. I don't know why. I will sweep the floors and clean obvious spots that need to be cleaned, but I don't think our floors have been moped in 5 months. Wow, that's kinda nasty. I'm embarassed now.

53. Luke hates Walmart. He believes it embodies all that is ruining America. I enjoy Walmart, mainly because I am lazy. Where else can you buy IB Profin, tampons, shaving creme, underwear, hoses, flowers, candles, cleaning products, CDs, DVDs, and mixing bowls. I know they have clothes and funiture, but I have never bought any there. So here is the deal. My husband has asked that I never shop there and I believe he may have snuck that in our vows right behind "to love and cherish", I don't know. I agreed to never, ever shop there. But when it came time to go get a bunch of stuff and I knew I was going to have to go to several stores, I gave in and went to Walmart. I keep target and Schnucks (grocery store) bags in my car so I can change out the Walmart bags if he is home when I get back from shopping.

54. Most of the time I'm pretty easy going about what we do while hanging out with friends. Very rarely will I not want to do what is suggested. I'm not the kind of person who says "I don't care what we do" and then spends 30 minutes shooting down every suggestion. However, should you suggest something that I don't want to do I will make my opinion VERY known. Should you all then deside to do that, I will pout. Yeah, make a huge ass out of myself. "That is the dumbest thing I have every heard, if that's what we are doing I'm outta here!" The whole time I am saying this stuff I am telling myself to shut up. I don't like listening to me. I will then back myself into a corner and tell them how seriously I am not going, or I will not eat the food at such and such. When they go ahead and do whatever I am pissed about, I then have to go home or sit there and not eat. Somehow I believe keeping up my position is right. I always feel like an ass when I do this, but I can't stop.

55. If it is your birthday, I'm singing to you. Even when you want me to stop. Example, today is my mom's birthday and here is what happened at 7:30 this morning.
Mom: Hello?
Rit: You say it's your birthday!
Mom: Hey, Rit.
Rit: Na na na na na na. It's my birthday too, yeah.
Mom: (laugh) ok..
Rit: They say it's your birthday! We're gonna have a good time.
Mom: Rit, thanks for...
Rit: I'm glad it's your birthday! Cause then I wouldn't be alive! (I like to add personal touches)
Mom: (Laughing) Rit, seriously...
Rit: Yes we're going to a party party! Yes we're going to a party party! Yes we're going to a party party!
Mom: RIT! I'm trying to get...
Rit: I would like you to dance--Birthday! Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday!
Mom: (now talking over me) I will see you and Luke later tonight.
Rit:I would like you to dance--Birthday! Dance
Mom: (still having to talk over me) I am trying to get ready for work!
Rit: You say it's your birthday!
Mom: Love you...Thanks (shouting at me)
Rit: Well it's my birthd...
She hung up on me.

56. I still call my Dad , Daddy. While some people would say "Now, Rit there is nothing wrong with a 28 year old who calls her Dad, Daddy." I disagree. Especially since I only call him Daddy when I want something. I do this because he will then cave and give it to me. I see the look of defeat on his face as soon as I say it. I can't help myself. My sister tries to do it, but she's mommy' little girl. My dad will just look at her and laugh. Example:
Rit: Hey, Dad can we change the Chili night to the Sunday two weeks from now. Luke is going freaking deer hunting.
Dad: Deer hunting? Since when did he start doing that.
Rit: Since next weekend. He spent a gazzillion dollars on a deer stand and shit. I wonder if he got any deer pee?
Dad: Deer pee? What are you talking about?
Rit: Do you ever hang out with your brother, John? Hunters put deer pee on them to attract deers. How gross is that?!
Dad: Shit, why can't they just go golfing? Anyway, Todd (my sister's fianace who lives in Tulsa) is coming in town next weekend, not 2 weeks from now. We can't change it.
Rit: But Daddy, Luke has never had your famous chili and it WAS the two of you who decided to come over to our house and watch football on our ginormous TV. Oh man, this sucks.
Dad: (sigh) I'll figure it out.
Rit: Thanks, Daddy.
Apparently I don't care that Todd has never had my Dad's famous chili either. But really, instead of my sister driving to Tulsa the following weekend, Todd can just some here. The do an ever other weekend thing. I'm an ass. I should really use my powers for good and get him to donate a ton of money to the homeless or something.

57. I hate classical music. Most people think it relaxes them, it stresses me out. All those instruments. It starts low, then builds up and up and up until its like 300 intruments going. My heart rate is high just thinking about it. I have to stop talking about it now.

58. I still check under my bed for monsters. I also can't have my toes hanging out of the covers because that's how the monsters get you. (I am shaking my head as I write this)

59. I hate littering, but when I was a smoker those long 15 days ago I threw my cig butts out my car window. Somehow this was not littering. Nope. It's not.

60. If I sing the wrong words to a song and you correct me, I will still sing them wrong anyway. And I will do it often. It makes me giggle.

Wow, there sure is alot of stuff wrong with me: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Image from A Socialites Life

Is this what I am going to have to learn? Some of you may recall that one evening I was harrassed by a guy that works in the restaurant next to my work. I know that I need to stop being so smokin' hot, but I really can't help it. Since that time I went and spoke with the manager after he stood outside my office window gawking at me. Apparently he had not caught on to the fact that I was ignoring him, so he knocked on my window. I have no problem letting people know how I feel, I gave him quite the "You are an f*ing crazy cocksucker, so leave my ass alone" look. Call me crazy, but I would have thought he would have gotten the clue as I marched out of my office over to the restaurant, passing him I said "You WILL leave me the hell alone from now on!", and then I went and spoke to his manager. Message loud and clear.

Ten minutes ago I'm alone in my office listening to KFed, opps I mean Daddy breaking down, I mean hard at work, when I hear the front door open. I get up and walk out. It's the asshat (thanks TinaPopo) from next door. "Hey beautiful." I just scare at him, mouth agape. "Are you kidding me? Get out of here now!" while I am walking to the reception desk where there is a phone. Asshat says "I was just checking on you." He starts eyeing to see if anyone else is here, which no one is so I start walking in the back "Mike, look who has the nerve to walk in here." I hear the door close. I go and lock it. Now I am thinking that in addition to telling the manager again I will learn ka-ra-tay and kick his sick dumn asshat self. I wonder if I can order some nunchucks from somewhere...

Oh. My. God. These kids are at some chorus concert/contest thingy and they sing the nintendo game songs, with some action. Freakin' nuts! I can't decide if my favorite was Mortal Kombat or Tetris.

I love half nekked thursdays. When else would I get to contort into weird positions to take pictures of myself with my camera phone? Ok, besides my honeymoon. And Saturdays.

So, I was on Pink is the New Blog and had the BEST DAY EVER. Well, ever since the last episode of Laguna Beach.

So do you think when Britney heard this little ditty by her man, she decided to do this?
<------------------ Oooohhh, looks like KFed's 2nd baby mamma cut him off. He is so screwed, that "rap" song is worse than the time my Dad got drunk at my 21st b-day party and karokeed Sir Miz-a-lots Baby Got Back. Hey my ultra republican Pops likes keepin' it real, cousin.

I think he is telling us all to call him Daddy because he has so many children he has gotten confused. Soon he'll be telling us to call him Baby Daddy in-stay-ed. Oh, Daddy it's Paparazzi not Pavarotti. Also, how is it possible to back then when back then your were just a broke ass white boy with only one baby momma? Lastly when you drop it like it's hot with I know you wish you was in my position cuz I keep getting into situations that you wish you wuz in, cousin, you just said the same exact thing twice. I'm just say'n foo.

In the UK, Scientologists held an event at their UK Scientology Center in which John Travola and his wife jumped up and did an impromptu dance. [source]

I can just hear them go:

Well this Cult is systematic, hydromatic, crazymatic
Why it could be Xenu Auditin'!
We'll get some impressionable people with lots of money, oh yeah
Keep talkin', whoah keep talkin'!
A Ron L. Hubbard book and a chrome e-meter, oh yeah
I'll get her ready, I need to get her ready!
With the celebrity Center and more, they'll be waitin' at the door
You know that ain't a bitch when we'll be gettin' hella rich
Xenu Auditing

Go Xenu Auditing
You're burning up alien souls each mile
Xenu Auditing, Go Xenu Auditing
Go Xenu Auditing
You're coasting through their money now
Xenu Auditing, Go Xenu Auditing
You are supreme
The chicks are gonna creme
For Xenu Auditing
Go go go go go go go go

They are such a great couple, and a great musical team! I knew that watching Grease 1,000 times would pay off someday. A whole post worth of pay off on la blog. You know, my mom always says that crazy looks better when set to music. She drinks alot.

Some of you may remember me talking about my friend and her 8 year daughter who were recently hit by an 18 wheeler. They moved in with us last week until Kate can take care of herself and Ava. Ava and I are pals, wait make that were pals. We used to do our nails, watch movies, color pictures, play dress up, and all sorts of fun stuff. This all ended now that she has decided she is going to marry my husband, thus making me her competition. Luke is great with kids and absolutely loves Ava so needless to say he finds this all hysterical and enjoys egging her on.

When we watched a movie the other day she raced over and sat next to Luke and smiled real big at me. Then as soon as my ass hits the chair she is like, "Rit, can you get me a glass of milk." I go get glass of milk. Ass contacts chair, "Rit, I'm hungry. Can I have some popcorn?" I glare, and ask her if she might want anything else in the near future. "I don't think I will, but Luke do you want anything?" He laughs and says he could use a soda. I bring it all back and sit down. Luke has to read her stories for bed, not even mom can do it. When he comes home from work you'd think that Elvis has entered the building. She says that I am pretty and can find a new husband. Luke just laughs. Our fridge is covered in pictures she has drawn him. She even took down all the pictures I had that she has drawn me over the years. Last night after trick or treating she had Ashley Simpson's I didn't steal your boyfriend playing and was dancing around with Luke in the family room in her pink & black witches costume with her pink cast with Luke's named scrauled across it in 8 year old writing mocking me.

This infatuation only started Sunday. Kate and I think it is so damn funny, but Kate said to watch out. That Ava might try to sneak into our bed at night and push me out of it.I believe it may become a war in the Meyer household soon.

So, I managed to catch the show the night it was on. In between passing out candy and all.

Who knew these kids had any idea what suffering and helping others was about. Color me shocked when the show starts with the gang planning a benefit for the victims of the landslide in their community. Yep, these kids care about their fellow man. I know that the MTV producers may have had a little somethin' somethin' to do with it, but they did something not totally all about themselves now didn't they. By the way, who the hell is this Trey guy who was in charge? Did I miss him from the first season? I don't like him, he is not pretty enough for my Laguna needs. But they kept him and some guy named Polster, uh WFT, from too much screen time.

Talan and Alex are slated to sing and the rest of the guys and girls are putting on a fashion show run by LC. Dieter asks Jessica if she will model and if she can get Alex H and Kristen to strut their stuff too. Alex says yes, but only because it is for charity. Yeah, I believe that. Hey, have you all been good, Santa's making his list and Tuesday he starts checking it!



OOhhh, Talan is gonna sing! Everyone is so so excited. Before I move on to Jassica, who told this kid he could sing? Seriously, it was bad. By bad I mean I thought about changing the channel because for a moment I was embarassed for him. Then I realised I am not that nice, so I watched while pointing and laughing. Jason and LC are all, "I love Lauren" "Oooh, that's so sweet that you talk to me like I'm not here", "You are sooo cute" "Awe, Jason, that's so sweet". Someone save me from this shit! Oh, I almost forgot we were dealing with Jason. As all the kiddos are dancing and cheering on Takehimoffthestage, Jason tells Jessica to come sit on his lap. What? (that's my fake shock) Man, this is fun. LC is pissed off. Jason finally realises that he is not dating Jessica but LC. Oopps. Honest mistake. While his ex Alex is singing, who by the way can sing without making me want to jab pencils in my ears, he gets all lovy with LC. She wines to him about the lap dance that Jess gave him and he says she just sat on his lap. What could he do? Scandalous! He then spends some telling Lauren how in to her he is and says it actually borders on frightening how much he likes her. Awe. I don't know about any of you ladies, but when a guy tells me he is basically my stalker I will forgive him for anything.

Then LC tells Jessica that she is a very rude girl and that she is just running around sitting on people's laps. Hummm, what? What the hell kind of talking to is that. Who is she, the mom? Actually my mom could do so much better than that. LC is lame, I don't like her. Jessica keeps saying, "Who's lap was I on, Lauren." When Jessica beats your ass in in a verbal smackdown, you suck. But on with the show!



One question, I know Alex is Kristen's sidekick but do we still need to put Kristen's friend on the screen? Alex is a bit more than that now. Come on MTV. You don't put Jason's Bitch on Cedric's screen time do you?



Speaking of Cedric, in an obvious statement of love for Jason, he modeled off his pink undies. I almost died. After he told Jason he was so cute last week, I believe the natural progression is for him to model these panties. You go girl!

Meanwhile, Jason grabbed Jessica by the back of the head and kissed her...LC saw. As I watch LC's face fall, all I can here is Jason saying "I love Lauren" over and over in my head. LC then losses her mind. After the fashion show, Jason goes to his "girlfriend". She tells him to get away from her, she doesn't want to talk to him, but he persists. As she bobs and weaves with such expert skill that Sugar Ray Leonard would be proud, Jason tells her to be more mature. It is the first time I agree with Jason. Dieter tells Jason to leave LC alone and gives him a verbal bitch slap. Jason says Jessica grabbed him and kissed him. Dieter decides to settle it by calling Jessica and asking her. I was all excited, Jason is so busted! Dieter puts Jessica on speaker phone, you see all the blood drain from Jason's face. Dieter "Jessica, why did you grab Jason and kiss him?" Jessica "Jason and I didn't kiss!" Son of a bitch, are you kidding me? Now Jason feels that he has somehow proven that he is right since she is lying. The only problem? Uh, LC actually saw what happened dumb ass. You don't need Dieter to know. LC tells Dieter that it wasn't Jessica's fault, she saw Jason do it.

Doesn't Jason look so damn sad? I love it.


Next week looks ok, unless the dumb LC takes Jason back. Which she might. Cause she's dumb